The MW Blog

At least the URL is much easier to remember.

2006-03-09T23:43:00.000-05:00

Hey errbody.

I've got a pretty big announcement, I guess, and that's that I'm no longer going to be updating this site. It's done for.

I'll give you a moment to mourn.

But keep that chin up, because I've simply moved to much fancier digs over at http://mw.cracked.com. That's right! No more of that "themwwebsite" business that led to so many unfortunate and accidental hits at "www.themmwebsite.com," the home of a Portuguese manufacturer that makes counterfeit M & M's.

All of this site's archives are up over there, and all my new stuff from this point on will be posted over there. The message board will stay alive, for now at least. Also, I'm going to keep everything that's already up here in place, only because I wanted to keep everyone's comments intact. If somehow you're responsible for every comment ever made here and you don't mind if they go away, let me know and I'll scrap the whole thing.

Anyway, here's hoping for more reasonably amusing material and a doubled readership (12!).

Awards Show Time-Killers

2006-03-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

In honor of tonight's Oscars broadcast, here are a few things you can do while watching the show so that the lengthy musical numbers with the love theme from "Munich," the thank-you speeches full of names you've never heard before and the sad, but sappy and overlong montage of people who died last year can only serve as background noise while you do something actually kind of entertaining.

The Potato Chip Competitive Eating Face-Off
Take a friend to the grocery store before the show. There, buy at least 10 to 15 bags of potato chips. Any flavor or style is allowable. Wait for the show to start, at which point you and your friend(s) will begin eating chips, and will continue to do so non-stop through the entirety of the broadcast. Beverages are allowable, but sips must be taken quickly. You are only allowed to stop eating during commercial breaks -- any time the awards show is actually on, you have to continue scarfing down chips. The last person to stop eating is the winner, and is also probably a loser.

Imagine the Genitals
You can play this alone or with a friend. When a random audience member/celebrity pops up on screen in one of those ubiquitous reaction shots, take a few moments to grab a piece of paper and either describe or draw what his/her genitals might look like. Repeat throughout the show. If you want, find someone to act as a judge of how accurate your depictions are. This would most likely be a friend or family member who you think might have the greatest amount of knowledge regarding Judi Dench's vulva.

Kill the Kidder
Invariably, at least one person will make a standard, tired joke about the statue. You know the type -- "I'd like to hold her Golden Globes!" or "That Oscar appears to be very phallic!" or "Grammy? More like Shammy!" Beat this person into a quivering puddle of bones and pus.

Make it an NFL Film
At various points throughout the show, try to narrate what's happening in the voice and style of that way-overdramatic announcer from all those old NFL Films. For example: "Giamatti charges down the carpet, sweat now pouring into his eyes. Fans chanted his name as he took hold of the trophy, making a move toward his agent, the rookie. Finally, this was his year to shine." It would really help if you had that hilarious horn music playing in the background.

And the Winner is...BloodRayne!
As each winner is announced, everyone in the room should scream out over the presenters with the name of someone who played a part in the film BloodRayne (or for best picture, the movie title itself), as if BloodRayne has swept the Oscars. Then have a good, hearty laugh about it. Find the names of everyone involved with the movie here.

The "Metal Gear Solid" Time Challenge
While you watch the award show on one TV, play the PlayStation game "Metal Gear Solid" on another TV set up right next to it. Start from the beginning, and try to finish the game before the show ends. The thing lasts four-and-a-half hours, so you should have time. If you don't, you're pretty bad at Metal Gear. Jeez, dude.

What Else is On?
Check around to see what's showing on other channels. Find something you enjoy watching. Watch that. Find the names of the winners online tomorrow morning. There, I just saved you a night's worth of torture.

Good Oscaring to you!

Movie Re-Cuts: Oscars Edition!

2006-03-04T17:54:00.000-05:00

Images That Popped Up When I Did a Google Image Search for "MW" in Like, Mid-2003

2006-03-03T23:27:00.000-05:00

Although I'm not particularly associated with the Reinassance as far as I know, this image impresses me a lot. Despite the fact that I don't have large spires in my architecture and the very real possibility that I'm not made of stone (only my resolve is), I would't mind somehow becoming a cathedral someday. I could even have a slogan. "The MW Cathedral: Bold new look, same great faith!" And even if I don't actually become a cathedral, maybe I could just try to become a saint and try to get one named after me. I could be the patron saint of Plus 5 bullets.

Oh, this is trouble. Not so much because the subject of the picture is not me or that it's a girl -- I can imagine that there are a number of people or businesses out there that have the initials "MW." My problem here is more with the similarities to me. For one, the hair looks a little to close to how mine looks right now for me to be happy, and the shirt is kinda the same color as my leather jacket. Actually, I kinda feel like this is what I would look like if I was female (although I think I'd probably have a beard, and there would have to be the glasses). Honestly, with that in mind, I feel sorry for this person. Almost as much as I do for myself. Minus 7 bullets.

I've actually thought about what I would do if I had my own country, including spending some time deciding what my flag would look like. Really, you have to think about these things ahead of time. My ultimate decision ended up being that my flag wouldn't have the following things: a sun, or bars of color. This flag (it's actually the flag of Malawi) breaks both of those rules. In fact, when I considered it even more I decided that the flag was pretty much just going to have to be a big picture of me with a caption underneath reading: "The MW country: Mediocrity in Action." And this just doesn't say that to me. Minus 4 bullets.

I suppose that this picture is trying to tell me that this is what I'm going to look like when I get older. For the most part, I'm okay with it. The suit's pretty nice. I like the checkered tie. And it looks like I might look to the right all the time. The only problem I really have is that the guy's bald. I guess that if I do actually go bald one day (maybe next week sometime), I'll live with it, but I've just always wanted to be one of those old guys with the really wild hair that looks like it's just kind of hovering over his head. You know, the ones whose hair looks too fake to be a toupee. With some aviator glasses. Yeah. That'd kick so much ass. Minus 2 bullets.

This is neat, because I looked it up and this is the actual equation for me. No, seriously. This function actually comes out to equal my exact value. As you can see, the final answer is negative 1.7. In actuality, my exact value is negative 1.711, but I'd say they got it pretty close. Interestingly enough, this is apparently also an equation for a portion of the process of measuring the magnitude of an earthquake or seismic vibration. Since I have been known to make the earth shake at times (or so the ladies tell me), it seems pretty appropriate. Plus 3 bullets.

This picture has nothing to do with me at all. But let me make this clear: I don't care. It came up when I searched for MW, and in case you couldn't tell that whole earth-shaking thing was a lie. So the fact that searching for MW yields this picture can only mean one thing: some sort of ironic fate machine has taken over Google Image Search and decided to play a devious trick on me. "Look at them ta-tas!" the machine says in its taunting, metallic drone. "You ain't never gonna get a hold of those!" But then again, seriously, look at them ta-tas. Plus 10 bullets.

Heh. Ta-tas.

Renowned Child Psychologist Dr. Helmut Weller Introduces His New Disciplinary Technique in a Late-Night Infomercial

2006-02-27T18:43:00.000-05:00

Hello, America!

Over the past few decades, it seems like every psychologist or behavior specialist in the country has come out with a supposedly "new" and "innovative" technique guaranteed to make your children behave. And just because those people have college degrees and have actually spent time with children, they think they know everything about them. Well, I want you to know that I, Dr. Helmut B. Weller, Ph.E. (that's one more than Ph.D.!), have got a plan to help your kids be less... What's the word? Crap-assed? Let's say crap-assed.

And I want you, the American consumer, to know that my program is different.

Why? Because it works!

In past years, many psychiatrists have supported the idea of treating children as little adults, creating such preposterously ineffective strategies as "time out" and "talking to each other." My technique, however, rests on the three key principles of the childhood mind, which I discovered through thoroughly performed laborotoric science-tests:

PRINCIPLE 1: Kids Are Dumb
And how. On average, 98 percent of four-year-olds failed a basic quiz in trigonometry. Nearly three-fourths had no idea what the Underground Railroad was. Almost half couldn't find Latvia on a map. Of the Baltic states! I mean, seriously!

PRINCIPLE 2: Kids Are Gullible
They'll believe anything. Like, this one time, I told this little kid that Rocky III was better than Rocky IV. And he believed me!

PRINCIPLE 3: Kids Scare Easy
Even the most harmless items, like a butcher knife, a pitchfork or a meager chainsaw will make your average child quake in his boots. Chasing your child around with your car is almost like having obedience medicine, if such a thing existed. And if such a thing does exist, I'd suggest using that also.

TESTIMONIAL
" Dr. Weller's program helped me to whip my terrible kids into shape. Now, they go to bed on time, help around the house, and I barely even got any jail time! Thanks, Dr. Weller!"
-Rose Heartpunch, Peoria, IL

You may be asking, "Doc, how does your system work?" And my answer to that would be, "Easily...is how." All you need to do is remember three easy steps toward ultimate obedience!

1. CONSTANTLY DISCUSS THEIR SHORTCOMINGS
Children are very competitive. Give them some initiative to achieve! Take some time to make up stories about other kids who achieved really cool stuff. "Do you remember Timmy Butterworth?" you'll ask. "Who the hell is Timmy Butterworth?" your kid will ask. "He's the kid who cured cancer!" you'll say. "Terminal cancer! Why can't you cure terminal cancer?" As soon as your child stops answering with a smart-ass answer like, "Because Timmy Butterworth already cured it," you'll know you've made some progress.

2. THREATEN THEIR IDOLS AND HEROES
When your son or daughter breaks a rule, tell them that you're going Pokemon hunting in the backyard. If they backtalk, remind them that you have the Power Rangers tied up in the basement and won't release them until they apologize. Hire some derelicts to dress up as Dragon Ball Z characters and make your kid watch as they knife each other for a turkey croissant. That'll teach him not to make anymore B-minuses in gym class!

3. TELL THEM THEY'RE BEING REPLACED WITH A UGANDAN KID
This never fails. Ever. If it does, go adopt a Ugandan kid. Just giving them a bowl of rice every couple days seems to keep them pretty calm.

Happy parenting!

Three Records Released Last Year

2006-02-25T21:54:00.000-05:00

They were released last year, but as usual, I've only gotten around to listening to them.

Sufjan Stevens, "Illinois"

Probably the most critically acclaimed record of last year, Sufjan Stevens' lengthy ode to the Land of Lincoln is certainly an impressive accomplishment, especially considering the guy played basically every instrument. Upon the first few listens, the whole album is nothing less than astonishing -- the songs very complex, the instrumentation intricate, the singing sweet, but not so twee you have to leave the room.

But sit with it for a few weeks and the luster starts to fade a little. Not that the album turns bad by any means, but a lot of the cute factor of several of the songs, notably "Jacksonville" and "Metropolis," gets a little tired. The anthemic "Chicago" kind of loses its impact after a few days of listening, too. In the end, the songs that hold up are the ones that seem the most genuine. "Casimir Pulaski Day" is just a heartbreaker, "John Wayne Gacy, Jr." is simply beautiful, and "The Predatory Wasp of the Pallisades Is Out to Get Us!" actually kind of grew on me.

Was this the album of the year? I can't say I know for sure. It's quite good, and incredibly easy to pick up, listen to and enjoy. It certainly wasn't like anything else that came out, and it definitely is a technical feat. And Stevens is clearly going to put out some great records. But as far as this being a milestone or a masterpiece, that may be hyperbole. A-

The New Pornographers, "Twin Cinema"

I don't know why everybody gave The New Pornographers such a hard time over their second album, "The Electric Version." It had some of the catchiest power pop songs ever recorded, I say. Critics have said that this record was the Pornographers' return to form and the first sign that these guys have formed some sort of cohesive unit.

All I can say is, it's pretty good, but I liked their other stuff, to be honest.

There are some excellent songs on here -- "Sing Me Spanish Techno," "Jackie Dressed in Cobras" and "Falling Through Your Clothes" are standouts -- but nearly half the record is kind of, well...sleepy. Yeah, it seems that all the band members were all in the same room when they recorded this stuff, but it also sounds like they were all kind of depressed.

I will say that part of the problem is that this group has just set a standard for themselves that is almost too high to meet. From any other band, this would have been a breakout record. For The New Pornographers, making only 7 out of 14 songs so infectious I can't stop humming them seems like a disappointment. B-

Wolf Parade, "Apologies to the Queen Mary"

I think Montreal may be the new Seattle. That city pumps out a new, really cool band like, every week now. I mean, really all you have to do is take a look at these guys' name to know they've got to be good. Wolf Parade. I mean, come on.

And even beyond the name, this is a pretty damn good debut. The album comes right out of the gate with the best song on the whole thing, "You Are a Runner and I Am My Father's Son," a revenge tune that's almost all drums and that almost rocks too hard. It's also the least derivative song on the record, as, like many bands' debuts, Wolf Creek's album wears its influences right on its sleeve. There's a series of songs in the middle of the record that might as well be titled by the bands they sound like. Songs 3-8, retitled: Modest Mouse, The Pixies, At the Drive-In, Nirvana, Spoon, Interpol.

Not that that's bad, necessarily. I like all those bands. But when they put all that together and every song sounds like it came from the same band, hopefully in their next record, that's when Wolf Parade will finally live up to their unbelievably cool name. B

Subjects: race war and 7 days to quit smoke

2006-02-09T21:16:00.000-05:00

T. Morgan wrote:

Dear MW,

I am an eager young man looking to start a good old-fashioned race war. I've got countless troops who are ready and willing to rise up against the White Devil, but I'm a little stumped on how to get this whole thing started. Do I need to set up some kind of international incident? Or is it as simple as hiring a controversial comedian?

Eagerly awaiting the start of the bloodbath,

T. Morgan

_______________________________________________

T.,

Let's get one thing straight right off the bat. Race wars are not simple, and they are not fun. They require a lot of hard work and dedication. You can't just start up a race war and leave it in the closet like that guitar I bought you for your birthday last year. You've barely even picked that thing up. If you want to have a race war, you're going to have to prove to me that you're responsible enough to deserve it.

You heard me, young man!

Anyway, I think we both know pretty well the best way to start a race war. It's the same way you go about starting up a religious war: with vaguely offensive cartoons. Just to get you started on your way, I've made up a few examples for you in the most offensive of all image creators, MS Paint.

Those are sure to get people worked up into a lather in no time.

Good luck!

_______________________________________________

charynel11 wrote:

you want to quit smoking in just for a couple days? or in just 7 days only? its amazing right? but its true, try our product its a nosmoq product...
you can call me at [SOME NUMBER. -MW]

visit my site and you can directly order in this site:
[SOME WEBSITE. -MW]

mail me at [SOME EMAIL. -MW]

_______________________________________________

Hold on here. You're giving me the option to either call some number, go to some website or send you some email so that I can quit smoking? Let me tell you something about smokers here. Never give them a choice. Because if you do, they're just going to get all anxious and light up. You have to be tough with them. Jam that disgusting gum right between their ashy jaws if you have to.

Anyway, I've decided that I wouldn't like to stop smoking in either two or 7 days. I'd actually rather do it immediately, as almost all my hair has already burned away already.

_______________________________________________

Got a question for MW? Disappointed in that last joke as I am? Then let me know already in an e-mail or over on the message board.

I've been seeing someone else.

2006-01-30T22:38:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody.

I just wanted to mention a couple quick things. First, an explanation of why I haven't been updating quite as frequently as usual over the past month or so. I've been working since about the 9th at a wire service news bureau that's made for some pretty long days. So long, in fact, that when I get back home I just don't have that verve I need to appropriately write my opinions about common side dishes or cartoon characters. But I'm getting used to it and hopefully I'll be back up to two or three updates a week relatively soon.

Also, you might like to know that my horoscopes piece from a few weeks ago is now up on a wonderful website called The Big Jewel. Hopefully I'll be doing some more stuff for them in the near future, if all goes well. Additionally, I would suggest checking out their archive if laughter is something you're into.

And I bet it is.

Make Your Own Game: The Game

2006-01-29T19:14:00.000-05:00

This might just be the best game I've come up with. It's just so perfect in its simplicity.

Okay, first thing you do is sit for a while and come up with your own rules for an entertaining and fun game.

Then, go find some friends and play it. Hours of enjoyment!

I'll be waiting here for your thanks.

Even More Comics I Made

2006-01-25T20:36:00.000-05:00

Click the thumbnail for the full image. It won't do you wrong.

Sci-fi Premises

2006-01-23T18:52:00.000-05:00

SPACE TRAVEL

This is probably the most common premise in all of science ficition, even to the point where it was so popular that people actually decided that they were going to have to go ahead and just do it. Like, for reals. Now, granted, when man actually went up into space, there weren't great naval-style ship battles or space smugglers or any opportunities to make out with blue women, but I suppose there's still hope for that, and hey, we got the opportunity to get like, 4,000 TV channels on satellite, so that's something. Anyway, as far as the fictional part of space travel is concerned, people basically shuffle most every disparate sort of space travel show/movie into a "Star Trek" and a "Star Wars" pile, which I guess would be okay if people didn't constantly get the two confused. Or worse yet, call it "Star Track." Yeah, I know, I shouldn't be this embittered about all this, but come on people, think for a minute. "Star Trek" is a show about intersteallar exploration. "Star Track" would be a show about decatheletes in space, clenched into competition, forced to perform high jumps and throw javelins with no gravity. Wait, was I going somewhere with this? Oh yeah, an opinion. Whatever, let's just say...plus 2 bullets.

TIME TRAVEL

I like the Back to the Future movies. Plus 3 bullets.

MICROSCOPIC PEOPLE

It's easy to get the idea of these movies/shows/books pretty quickly. Okay, so the people are small. They can survive on just a little food. An ant is gigantic to them. One cat hair can make them cough a lot. Grass and carpet are like canopy jungle. I really can't imagine this idea being very entertaining for more than ten minutes. Not to mention the fact that this premise is one almost exclusively used for horrible family comedies. I'm sure that if it had been "Honey, I Sent the Kids to an Abominable, Hellacious Alternate Universe" I would feel the same way about that particular premise. It just happens that the idea of microscopic people was the one to get the raw end of the deal. Minus 6 bullets.

GEOLOGICAL EXPLORATION

Of all the Jules Verne premises, this is the only one that still holds up as "science fiction" anymore. It's really been no problem at all to go around the world in eighty days, undersea exploration has become a lot more streamlined, and flying around in a hot air balloon has gone from being rare to a common occurrence to something reserved only for the downright eccentric. A journey to the center of the earth, though, that's still something that we haven't really done. Unfortunately, there's no real intrigue about going to the center of the earth anymore, as we're pretty sure now that the thing's just full of really, really hot liquid. So, instead of stories that have big crystal lakes and previously unknown races of underground people, we get movies like The Core. Damn you, science! Minus 4 bullets.

ALTERNATE UNIVERSES

While this is an altogether terrific idea for a science fiction show or movie, it seems that people can't get past the idea that the only possible alternate universe is one where the Nazis won World War II, like that was the only historical event, ever. As a result, the only things that really save this premise are its vastly untapped potential and its comedic value. I mean, the only other possible alternate universe being one where your counterparts just wear cowboy hats? Thank you, Futurama. Thank you. Plus 1 bullet.

INTERNET/CYBER/VIRTUAL REALITY UNIVERSES

Tron: plus 3 bullets
The Matrix: plus 1 bullet
The two Matrix sequels: minus 10 bullets
That one episode of the Batman animated series where the Riddler traps Batman in the virtual world and makes him play on a chessboard as a knight: plus 4 bullets
eXistenZ: plus 5 bullets
The Lawnmower Man: minus 1 bullet
The Lawnmower Man 2: minus 10 bullets
The fact that they made The Lawnmower Man 2: minus 15 bullets
Minus 23 bullets.

Look, I know I left out robots, but, come on, is it really right to rate robots? If the Terminator movies are any indication, one day, it will be they who rate us.

A Helpful Brochure from Your Doctor's Office: So, You've Been Cursed

2006-01-18T22:49:00.000-05:00

Curse.

It may sound like a bad word right now, but you may be surprised to find out that thousands of Americans live with curses each year, many of whom don't even know they have one. You can get a curse from lots of different sources these days, from that monkey's paw you found in the garbage and you asked for some liquor money to your overly suspicious gypsy neighbors. Or maybe it's that voodoo guy who tries to sell you chicken spices and who you secretly laugh at behind his back? The goofy teen who keeps stealing locks of your hair for his numerous and questionably valid scientific observations?

Whatever the case, we want you to know that your curse is treatable, and that many Cursed Americans go on to live full, long lives for decades after diagnosis. The fact that you're holding this brochure in your hand means that you have the greatest tool on your side for survival in the coming months and years: Early Detection. Another weapon you can use against your curse is that of a clear head that knows the difference between curse myth and curse reality.

Here are a few prevalent myths about curses that we think you should know about.

MYTH 1: You can pass on a curse through sexual intercourse, saliva, touching, drinking after someone or even from a toilet seat.
This is just categorically untrue. Even if Cursed Americans were ever given the opportunity to engage in sexual intercourse or kissing at any future point in their lives (which they aren't, since most curses have at least some caveat about never again feeling love or physical satisfaction), the curse could not be passed on to anyone else. Curses are directed solely at one cursee by a certified and trained cursor or dabbler in the dark arts. Physical contact in no way leads to the spread of curses. This is especially true since, contrary to popular belief, herpes is not considered a curse, so much as just bad mojo. Leprosy could go either way, really.

MYTH 2: A curse and bad luck are the same thing.
If there is one thing the cursed must keep in mind, it is that bad luck and curses are two entirely different concepts. True, bad luck may lead to a curse, but a curse itself is neither the result nor the cause of bad luck in many cases. Walking under a ladder, breaking a mirror or having a black cat cross one's path is no sign of a curse, though having the ladder fall on you, the shards of glass jammed into your eye sockets and the cat stuffed into your sinal cavities may be more indicative of serious cursed status. Constant bad luck -- job loss, relationship problems, ill health, constant minor hassles -- may be a sign of a curse in rare cases, but is more likely simply an indication that God is angry at you about something, or never much liked you to begin with.

MYTH 3: The curse affects my whole family.
This is a half-truth. While indeed curses are sometimes cast on you, your children, and your children's children, most cursors are content simply to make you personally suffer and will often let your progeny get by with a provision that they have to deal with some really bad acne.

MYTH 4: Curses are life-long.
Again, a half-truth. Some curses have set time limits. For instance, "I hope you itch until you scratch through your skin," has a fairly well-set boundary. Likewise, something like, "A lifetime pox and famine upon you and your house" leaves the door pretty wide open. Does that mean your lifetime? The cursor's? The lifetime of your house? There's certainly some wiggle room.

MYTH 5: Curses are worse at night.
That depends. If the curse was specifically aimed at, say, ensuring that your dreams will all involve unspeakable tortures against you to right up to the point of agonizing death, then that's probably true. If the curse is something about you always spilling hot coffee in your lap just as you're raising the cup to your lips, maybe not so much.

MYTH 6: I don't deserve this.
Well, let's be honest here. You could have been nicer. I mean, those chicken spices were like a buck. You could have humored the guy.

And with that, we bid you good luck and good will in your cursed life. Now, if you please, get the hell out of our office as we hold our forefingers up toward you in a cross shape, you hoary demon.

The 24 Season 5 Premiere

2006-01-15T23:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, before I actually get into the review here, I just want to point a few things out.

At the end of last season, Jack Bauer had to fake his own death so he could avoid going into Secret Service custody for breaking in to a Chinese embassy and kidnapping an ambassador. Seems pretty plausible, yeah? Anyway, we last saw him walking down a train track after his friends Tony and Michelle got him to safety, presumably to start a new life elsewhere. Mexico, maybe? Canada? Or how about a town a thirty-minute drive away from where he used to live?

I'm driven to believe that Jack Bauer may have done the worst job of faking his death in the history of faking deaths. Not only for the reason mentioned above, but these as well:

* In that town only thirty minutes away, Jack could encounter any number of his old co-workers (of which there are many, we've been led to believe), especially if he were to end up somewhere potentially dangerous, like, let's say, an oil rig.

* Jack now works on an oil rig.

* That oil rig job would require at least some identification, at the very least a Social Security number, and a background check.

* At least one of the people who knew Jack was alive, his former co-worker Chloe, had Jack's number programmed into her cell phone. If her phone were ever confiscated and searched, not unlikely for someone working for a government agency where there's copious backstabbing and everyone's under suspicion, he would have been easily located.

We can tell that Jack knows he's done a crappy job, though, because he takes a gun with him whenever anybody knocks on his door, even if it's the woman who owns his apartment.

There were a few other things that bugged me about the episode(s):

* They killed off the most respectable character (even though there wasn't really anything left to do with him, so it's not that much of a loss).

* They killed off the hottest character.

* They severely injured and incapacitated my favorite secondary character (though his Chicago Cubs mug remains unharmed).

* Jack just killed the dude who assassinated the respectable character, even though the dude fessed up to it pretty readily and could have been turned in by Chloe to avoid all the frame-up stuff.

* The terrorists who went to great lengths to frame Jack for the assassination and be all covert about things then just waltzed right into an airport and started shooting presumably so they could announce their demands. Why didn't they just go announce their demands?

* The First Lady so crazy.

Hopefully some of that will come to more light in future episodes. That may seem like a lot of complaints, but keep in mind that this is 24, and that's sort of par for the course. Frankly, in spite of all the nonsense (and in part because of it), these two episodes kicked my ass. The assassination! Holy crap! The car explosion! Didn't see that coming! Metal Gear-style sneaking around! Cool! Lots of talking on phones! That ought to earn it a solid B+.

Subject: Question

2006-01-09T23:30:00.000-05:00

moniker wrote:

Dear MW,
Will I get into graduate school?
If not, what are some good jobs that I should look into instead?
Thanks for your help,
Uncertain Future

_______________________________________________

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute here. Are you sure you want to go to graduate school? Let me enlighten you by telling you something about school after you graduate. It's no walk in the park. No, it's more like a swirling, unstoppable vortex of loneliness from which you can never escape. Or maybe that's just my experience, I don't know. Anyway, let me get out my ol' crystal ball to predict how things are gonna go for you.

Hmmm. That's...annoying. In the meantime, I guess, let me suggest a few professions you might want to look into if you're not interested in the whole loneliness vortex thing.

Pro Bowler

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. "MW," I'm hearing via telepathy, "how could I possibly be a professional bowler? I'm not a very good bowler at all!" And you're right, you're not. But none of that matters, anyway. All pro bowling is about anymore is the style. Just show up to the tournaments in a pair of badass sunglasses and a leather jacket or something and start calling yourself "bowling's biggest rebel." Nobody'll care that you roll a gutterball every frame, because that'll just be another way you defy the man. Of bowling.

Cowboy/Firefighter/Astronaut

Ask any four-year-old what they want to do and most likely they'll tell you that they want to be a cowboy or a fireman or an astronaut. But I say that those kids aren't trying hard enough. The real goal is to be all three, and the only way to teach them a lesson is to lead by example. Show those little punks what real, American hard work can do.

Undisputed Monarch

You don't have to be overly ambitious for this one. You can vie to take over and rule just some tiny Eastern European country if you want, as long as you make sure you rule it with an iron fist. Make a lot of pronouncements in which you refer to yourself as the "Great, Divine and Benevolent..." and make sure you have lots of people around to grovel at your feet. Oh, and always, always make sure the peasants are constantly covered in filth. You would be no real monarch if you didn't.

Transformer

Two great things about being a Transformer:

1. You are more than meets the eye.
2. You are a robot in disguise.

I'm sure there are other good reasons, but do you really need anything else?

Okay, now that that's taken care of, let's see how grad school fares for you:

Dammit!

Look, I'm just gonna have to get back to you on this.

_______________________________________________

Got a question for MW that won't really be answered at all? In a loneliness vortex? I feel your pain. Shoot me an e-mail or check out the message board!

New Links and the Bloggies

2006-01-06T15:42:00.000-05:00

Howdy folks!

I just wanted to alert everyone to a few new links over there in the sidebar that are very excellent and worth reading. TV Squad is a very thorough blog about all things televised, and Television Without Pity recaps shows with a level of snarkiness never before seen. Joystiq is a smart, informative gaming blog. The Superficial is a highly gossipy but also pretty funny blog about celebrities. Not everything on there is great, but little bits like this one make it all worth it. The Sneeze is a cool and funny blog just about various stuff. The Steve, Don't Eat It! pieces are especially fun.

In other developments, I recently came along this nomination form for the sixth annual Weblog Awards, and just happened to notice there are categories for Most Humorous Weblog, Best-Kept Secret Weblog, and Best New Weblog. Not that I'm really saying anything here, but...ahem.
Please nomiate me.

I don't even really care about winning or think I will, but I do think it may attract some new readers, and that's definitely a good thing.

Also, a reminder: if you have a blog or a site you'd like me to link in the sidebar, send me an e-mail and let me know about it! I'm always looking for cool new stuff to read.

The BloodRayne Drinking Game

2006-01-06T11:16:00.000-05:00

German director Uwe Boll is back once again with yet another film based on a popular video game, this one about the half-vampire, half-human heroine BloodRayne. With a cast including such well-known performers as Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, and that hottie from Terminator 3, you kind of have to wonder about what sort of movie it'll be. And what better way to continue to wonder about it than by drinking? Here's a fun game you can play while you take in the adventure.

When the opening credits begin to roll, start drinking. Continue to do this througout the film's running time. Ask yourself how Ben Kingsley could have come to this. Try to pass out before you actually have to sit through the whole thing.

You win!

My Many Tombstones

2006-01-03T19:12:00.000-05:00

I've told people for years that I would probably want my tombstone to look like this when I die (likely in a few months):

But here are a few more ideas, just in case that one is too perfectly descriptive:

If you've got an idea for your epitaph (a fun thing to think about if I've ever heard of one), post it over on the message board.

Video Game Genres

2006-01-02T17:26:00.000-05:00

PLATFORMERS

Mention the term "platformer" to most people and odds are they probably will have no idea what you're talking about. Well, if you're one of those people, let's just say that these games are basically Mario games -- you jump on bad guys and between, yes, platforms. It's the prototypical "video game." Now, it's pretty tough to give these types of games a rating, since at one point in time they were the be all and end all of video games, but now in the 3D era, they have all but faded into obscurity. There are still a few good ones, but for the most part, they're gone. Even so, I'm gonna give these games credit for the old glory days of Mario and Sonic. Come on, where else could we possibly see a mustachioed plumber grow to about six times his normal size by touching a mushroom and it not be a drug reference? Nowhere, that's where. Plus 6 bullets.

ROLE PLAYING GAMES

I have one major serious problems with RPGs: you don't start out awesome. Now, I've played my share of these games in the past, but nowadays I just don't have the patience for them anymore. The whole idea of having to level up, at least to the degree that one does in a role playing game, is anathema to me. I'd just much prefer characters who start out awesome. There's another pretty big problem I have with these games: whiny main chararacters. In my experience, the only main characters I've ever liked in these games have been mute. In every other instance, the protagonists have always been these little brats whose fathers didn't love them or who are ineffectually longing for some girl and are generally overshadowed by the older, more seasoned characters who don't say much and, since you meet them later on in the game, start out awesome. I can't emphasize this enough. Minus 4 bullets.

FIGHTING GAMES

Before they went all 3D and kind of got crappy, fighting games were near-infalliable, especially if they had Ken Masters in them. Perhaps the best thing about fighting games is that, when they go beyond the realm of genuine reality, they generally make it much, much better. Who wouldn't want to be able to shoot fireballs out of their hands? I can think of upwards of hundreds of real-life situations in which such an ability would be an incredible timesaver or at least a great conversation starter. Coffee's a little cold? BAM! Apartment feeling chilly? POW! Dude getting on your nerves at a stoplight? BLAMMO! Green Brazillian monster with electrical powers getting all in your face? FIREBALLED! Also, women in fighting games are always scantilly clad, a plus if I've ever heard one. Oh, and before anyone asks, I'm just ignoring Mortal Kombat for this, which I suggest you do as well. Plus 7 bullets.

SPORTS GAMES

This might be a controversial assertion, but, unless they have the words "Mario" or "Virtua" in the title, I pretty much hate sports games. For one thing, they simulate things you can already see on TV. No other games are like that -- there's no such thing as a Dateline NBC simulator or "Law & Order's Arrest and Litigate Showdown" (though I wish there was). Even the games based on TV shows usually involve some adventure beyond the usual plot of the show. But a basketball game is just...basketball. I'd like a little creativity, something with monsters or aliens or something. On top of that, they come out with new editions of these things every year. That would be cool and all if there were something new to come up with, but for Christ's sake, it's still the same football. So, okay, they update the rosters and get slightly better graphics and design some...I dunno...enhanced butt patting. Actually, you know what? That sounds pretty awesome. Consider my fifty bucks spent! Minus 5 bullets.

SIM GAMES

Games need endings. Period. I need something to work toward, dammit. The thing about sim games is that they just keep on going and going forever. Yeah, you get your city up to 10,000 people, but then what? You have to build another quarry. And then you get attacked by Godzilla and you have to deal with that, and then you're invaded by the Vandals, and then your people get bored and you have to build a stadium or some crap for them. It's just like real life -- one task after another with no closure until you get so fed up that you quit or you die. Yeah, that sounds like a fun game. How about I develop a game that simulates all the turmoil and pain of terminal cancer? Or better yet, a game that simulates sitting at a computer and endlessly playing sim games? As you can see, I'm pretty bitter about this. Minus 9 bullets.

BEAT-'EM-UPS

All you really need to know about these games to know that they're cool is the name of the genre. Is there anything much cooler than the term "beat-'em-up?" Not only that, the games are pretty much what the title implies. You beat guys up. And that's just flat-out fun. And consider this: the beat-'em-up genre has included games about The Simpsons, the X-Men and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There's only one word to describe that: outstanding. Plus 2 bullets.

Yes, I fully realize that I left out survival horror and rhythm games, but beat-'em-up games have convinced me that I'm a tough guy, so you're just going to have to deal with it, bro.

Presenting: Your 2006 Horoscope

2005-12-30T11:40:00.000-05:00

This piece can now be found at The Big Jewel.

The 2005 MW Comic Book Awards

2005-12-28T20:42:00.000-05:00

Have you been sitting around, waiting for somebody to tell you what the best and worst comics of the year were? Well, wait no longer, friend! Here are my picks of 2005.

Best New Series

SHE-HULK

I know this is basically just a re-boot of the previous series, but I don't care, because it's great, and you should be reading it. God bless you, Dan Slott.
Runners-up:
Loveless, Young Avengers

Best New Talent

ALLAN HEINBERG & JIM CHEUNG

Man, Young Avengers is good. Did you expect Young Avengers to be that good? No, you didn't. And didn't it kick enitrely more ass than it was even entitled to? Yes, it did.

Gothiest Cover

RUNAWAYS #6

Don't get me wrong, I love Runaways. But man, is that cover goth. With the butterfly and the extreme playing up of cutting, it just doesn't get any more goth than this.
Runners-up:
Klarion #2, Zatanna #3

Most Misleading Cover

GOTHAM CENTRAL #36

See what that cover implies? That's not what's in the comic at all.
Runners-up:
New Avengers #3 (Sentry cover, but he doesn't appear in issue), Ultimates 2 #8 (Cap in handcuffs, misleading on purpose)

Best Cover

THE WALKING DEAD #17

Look at that! He's totally punching you! No cover this year was so visceral, and nothing depicted a character's rage as well as this.
Runners-up:
Fables #38, Y: The Last Man #40

Best Limited Series

SUPREME POWER: NIGHTHAWK

Seriously. I didn't expect it either. Gritty Steve Dillon art, and damn good writing by the guy who wrote that godawful Venom series. About a billion times better than the JMS Hyperion series, and any other mini-series this year.
Runners-up:
Seven Soldiers: Guardian, The Authority: Revolution

Best and Worst Event Comic

HOUSE OF M

It's amazing. This series plumbed the depths of awfulness for the first several issues, but was altogether saved by a cool climax, some cool tie-ins and one very interesting repercussion. Simply baffling.
Runner-up:
Infinite Crisis

Best Company-Wide Line of Interconnected Mini-Series

GRANT MORRISON'S SEVEN SOLDIERS

It was hit-and-miss, but undoubtedly ambitious and overall, better than all the other big major-company events this year.

Worst Gimmicky Crossover

SPIDER-MAN: THE OTHER

One word: Bleeccccch. Spider-Man deserves better.
Runners-up:
Batman: War Games, All those Infinite Crisis tie-ins

Best Trade Paperback

WE3

Weird, yes. But the great Frank Quitely art and surprisingly emotional story really made this one stand out as a mini-series last year, and it works even better in TPB form.
Runners-up:
Hard Time: 50 to Life, Sleeper Vol. 3: A Crooked Line, Complete Runaways Vol. 1 HC

Best Single Issue

ALL-STAR SUPERMAN #1

Grant Morrison has said that he writes Superman as a combination of Jesus, Einstein and the American flag, and I can't think of a better description for this. This one issue made Superman into a character who actually interests me and brought him back to his sci-fi roots, accomplishing something I thought I'd never see -- it made me like a Superman comic.
Runners-up:
Ultimates 2 #9, Fables #40, Seven Soldiers: Frankenstein #1

Best Artist

BRYAN HITCH

No offense to Mark Millar, but I'm convinced that like, 80 percent of the awesomeness of the Ultimates comes from Hitch. He takes a long time, but it's all there on the page.
Runners-up:
John Cassaday, Frank Quitely

Best Writer

BRIAN K. VAUGHAN

Ex Machina + an improving Y: The Last Man + Runaways + a decent Ultimate X-Men run = Best Writer of the Year.
Runners-up:
Mark Millar, Grant Morrison, Brian Azzarello

Series I Was Really Excited About a Year Ago But That Turned Out to Be Kind of a Disappointment

THE LOSERS

It used to be so good, and now that it's ending, I don't even care. Sad, no? I still like Jock's art, at least.
Runner-up:
All-Star Batman and Robin

Best Ongoing Series that Only Managed to Get Four Issues Out

WARREN ELLIS' IRON MAN

Those four issues were really quite good and had cool art, but where were all the rest of them?
Runner-up:
That Kevin Smith Spider-Man series whose issue #4 was only 3 years late

Best Ongoing Series

FABLES

A contender for this distinction every year, Fables could do no wrong this year. Exceptionally well-written, with beautiful art and great storylines. The "Homelands" arc was one of the best of the year, and even the little interlude issues were great. It won the Eisner a couple years back, but this is the year it really deserves it.
Runners-up:
Ex Machina, The Walking Dead, Ultimates 2

Subjects: "Winter blow out sale" and "Wanna get laid tonight? You can" (Spam)

2005-12-26T19:36:00.000-05:00

emmett fitzpatrick4t wrote:

Url : www.bostos. com ,gosh I did space. Enjoy!

_______________________________________________

Usually I take the urls out of these things, but because this one was so adorable in addition to the fact that it's apparently not even a real website, I decided to let this one slide. You can thank me later, emmett.

I actually kind of wonder what a winter blow out sale is all about. I pretty well know what a blowout sale is, but this is clearly a blow out sale. Maybe it's all about getting the dust out of your old NES cartridges? Or perhaps it's about this 1981 thriller, a John Travolta/John Lithgow vehicle directed by a pre-Scarface Brian De Palma?

I bet that's what it is.

_______________________________________________

Patty wrote:

Offering a service that helps people get laid!
A bunch of sex-o-holics are all around you, craving to get laid!

No lame pickup lines, no flowers, no gifts,
people here only care about sex ;)

Oh, just to let you know, a little over 65% of members have already
gotten laid!

(THIS URL ACTUALLY DID WORK. -MW)

_______________________________________________

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait just a minute here. There are sex-o-holics all around me? Craving to get laid? How closely are they located? Do they drip? I'm actually looking all around me here, and all I can see are some dirty socks. Is that what you mean by "sex-o-holics?" Because if it is, your and my definitions of those words are pretty different. In my world, a sex-o-holic is an alcoholic who hangs out around a number of pathetically desperate people.

But enough semantics.

To be honest, I'm not too terribly sure I want to hang out with a bunch of people who only care about sex. I mean, sure, it may be fun for a little while, but who will read my unfinished novel about a hotshot attorney who, through an unusual turn of events, adopts a baby dolphin and has to raise him as if it was his own? Is there a group I can join for that? People only interested in reading In Res Mammalis: A Story of Humanity? Because it seems like there are a lot fewer people interested in that than in sex. I mean, I get e-mail offers for sex like every other day.

Speaking of which, only 65 percent? Seriously? You're a company that exists for the sole purpose of providing people with getting laid and only about two-thirds of your members have actually done it? That's like a restuarant saying that only a fraction of their customers actually eat.

Wouldn't it be better just to say that two-thirds of your customers had been satisfied? You wouldn't even have to lie for that. Next time, you guys oughta let me write your crappy sex club e-mail.

No, seriously, let me do it. I need the work.

_______________________________________________

Have you actually seen the movie Blow Out? Are you a sex-o-holic who can help me out with a definition? Hit me up with an e-mail or head on over to the message board!

Year-End Stuff

2005-12-22T20:14:00.000-05:00

Hey errbody!

2005 is on its way out, and it's been a pretty good year for the MW Blog, especially considering that it's actually the only year it's existed. In this form, anyway.

I've had my share of successes and failures here. A few pieces got sold to the National Lampoon. One piece got linked a whole bunch. A couple of games that I was hoping more people would participate in just kind of fell dead. Some pieces I really liked got rejected by McSweeney's.

But that stuff's not really important. What really matters is what you guys thought. So let me know. Leave me a comment telling me what you liked, what you didn't like, and what I should think about changing in the new year. Not too into the games? Do you like the mailbag? What kinds of writings would you like to see? Tell me all about it, and I hope you all have some excellent holidays.

Flash Games!

2005-12-20T21:14:00.000-05:00

In honor of the holidays, I've chosen to give you a gift that someone else actually made, and link to you to these cool/fun/amusing flash games.

Enjoy!

Grow RPG
An exceptionally fun game while it lasts. Figure out what order to add things into the world so that your adventurer can beat the monsters. While you're at it, try the other games, the Grow Cube, regular ol' Grow and their Grow Christmas tree!

The Legend of Zelda and the Lampshade of No Real Significance
A pretty spot-on Zelda parody, and a suprisingly fun game to boot.

Nanaca Crash
Have I linked this already? I don't know. But it's a fun game, so here it is again if I already have. Hit a poor fellow with a bike and try to get him to go as far as you can by having little girls hit him with swords. No, really, that's what it is.

Classic '80s Video Games
Including Duck Hunt! And Frogger! And friggin' Spy Hunter! Man!

Fly Guy
It's a guy! Who flies! It's whimsical and stuff!

The Goat in the Gray Fedora
A Flash point-and-click adventure about a detective looking for...a goat in a gray fedora. Fun!

Orsinal
All kinds of simple, cool games.

Lemmings
Whoo! Lemmings!

Have fun, and happy holidays.

Photoshop Grab-Bag

2005-12-17T16:06:00.000-05:00

Here are some Photoshops I just had sitting around and hadn't posted here. Enjoy your holiday leftovers, folks!

A couple video games you wouldn't want to play:

An alternate-universe newspaper front page:

A popular American film released in Japan:

And a classic as promoted in China:

Finally, a helpful language guide:

Non-Letter Keyboard Keys, Part 2

2005-12-15T20:33:00.000-05:00

SPACEBAR

Poor spacebar. So reliable, yet so often overlooked. She's just sitting there, waiting for you to pay attention to her. And she's totally modest about it. I mean, she's the only key on the entire board that isn't labeled! And yet here you are, spending all your time with backslash like it's some kind of a big deal. Spacebar asks if you want to go out later, but you act like you didn't hear what she said and ask if she's put on weight. You and Alt are gonna go have a few beers, but you decide to ditch Spacebar because there's that one place where her texture has rubbed off and you'd rather your friends didn't see you with her, even though that place is there because you've used her so much. I mean, it's your fault, man. And still, she's so emotionally stunted she still gives you a space whenever you so much as tap her. God, you're such a jerk. Plus 7 bullets.

CAPS LOCK

Seriously, has Caps Lock ever done anyone in the world the slightest bit of good? For the life of me, I still can't see the use for it. What situation calls for the use of such a long string of capital letters that it's too much to bear holding down the Shift key? Are people just that lazy? I know that in these opinions pieces I write out the thing I'm going to talk about in all caps, but honestly the thought of using Caps Lock never even occurs to me. In fact, the only time I ever remember the Caps Lock key's existence is when it's accidentally on and I'm trying to get into my Yahoo account. Wouldn't an italic key be better? I'd actually be pretty cool with writing something in all italics. Check out how sweet this is. COMPARE THAT TO HOW EYE-BLEEDINGLY ANNOYING THIS IS. Need I say more, really? Minus 5 bullets.

ALT

What's so alternative about Alt? Well, you know, it's lived in the shadow of its straight-laced brother, Ctrl, for a long time, and it just needed to separate itself, you know? So back in the early 90s it started wearing a lot of flannel and listening to Nirvana, you know, back before they were popular. And then later on, it got into indie before anybody else and was wearing thrift store way before those fake hipsters with their manufactured vintage. He was the one who introduced me to Radiohead. No, seriously, I'm not kidding. Back when "The Bends" came out, he was all like, "Dude, you totally have got to check out this band," and it just blew my mind, man. What I mean by saying all of this is that I have no idea what Alt actually does, but it has a cool name, and thus gets Plus 1 bullet.

F1-F12

Remember when these keys used to do useful stuff? You know, back when the operating system screen was all blue and there were those tabs at the bottom that told you that F5 was the key you used to run a command or restore a save file or whatever? I seem to remember these also being useful in the old Sierra adventure games, which at least give them some nostalgic value, 'cause, man, these things are just plain useless now. The only one I can remember using in the two years I've had this computer was F7, to project stuff onto a TV. So, basically, I could just get by with F7, although in that case I would probably wonder why it was called F7 and what happened to Fs 1-6. So I guess those others just remain there for my peace of mind, and that's pretty nice of them. Plus 2 bullets.

DEL

Delete's so played out. He's like the kid in school that everybody thought was cool because he wore that one denim jacket with the Sex Pistols patch on it, but then a much cooler kid from another town showed up, with a much better jacket with far more zippers and Minor Threat Misfits patches. He was totally into The Clash, too. And he was like, a year older than all the rest of us, so he could get us into R-rated movies and stuff. That new kid is Backspace, by the way, and he's totally left Delete in the dust, the pathetic loser standing in the parking lot waiting for his mom, clutching his dirtbike Trapper Keeper like it was still even cool. Minus 3 bullets.

END

The key's pretty crappy, as it just takes you to the end of the line of text, but since it's provided me with a convenient way to let me finish this opinions piece and stop talking about non-letter keyboard keys for enternity, I'll cut it some slack. 0 bullets.

"But, you can't end it now," I'm sure you're saying. "What about PrintScreen?" And the only thing I can say in response is that if you need someone to tell you how to feel about PrintScreen, then you, my friend, don't know PrintScreen.

Comedy's Greatest Questions, Answered

2005-12-12T22:09:00.000-05:00

Q: Why do men always leave the toilet seat up?
A: Because things would be much worse if they always left it down.

Q: Why do women always go to the bathroom in groups?
A: So they don't get lost.

Q: Why don't men ever ask for directions?
A: They never learned how.

Q: You know how when you do the laundry, and you always lose a sock? Where's that sock go?
A: It could be anywhere, I guess. You dropped it on the staircase, maybe? I'm thinking it was the staircase.

Q: White men don't have any rhythm.
A: That's not a question.

Q: Why don't white men have any rhythm?
A: They do. It's just not the kind of rhythm you're used to, because of your narrow worldview.

Q: Why don't people in horror movies just leave?
A: The obvious answer here is that it would make it a very short movie, but the more accurate answer is that the characters have been planning this teen sex weekend for months, and they're not going to let anything ruin it now.

Q: Why's it so hard to program a VCR?
A: Because you lost the manual, and also clearly have some sort of serious mental handicap.

Q: Why does Superman wear his underwear outside of his pants?
A: Your question is flawed. If he wears it on the outside, it isn't underwear.

Q: If the black box always survives the crash, why don't they make the whole plane out of what the black box is made of?
A: That stuff doesn't fly.

Q: What's the deal with airline food?
A: Actually...you know what? I'm not sure what the deal with airline food is. Hahaha! What a hilarious observation! Ah-hahahahahahaha!

The Ten Best Albums of the '00s (so far), Part Two

2005-12-11T23:31:00.000-05:00

For albums #10-6, click here.

5.

Beck, "Sea Change" (2002)

There's been a little bit of a backlash against this record in the past year or two, with people decrying it as something Beck made while he was deeply depressed, that wasn't as fun as his other work, that this was a totally different Beck than the guy we had seen before. I would argue, that no, it isn't a totally different Beck -- we had seen shades of this in "One Foot in the Grave" and other records of his. And even if it was, I would say that this is more of the real Beck than we've ever seen. The guy from "Midnite Vultures" may be great at parties, but would you really want to know him? Put up with his crazy antics every day? Yeah, "Sea Change" Beck may be a little bit of a sad sack, but, man, he's just so real. It's okay, let it all out, Beck. I'm there for you, man.

4.

The Unicorns, "Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?" (2003)

I never thought I'd be saying this about a band called The Unicorns, but I think these guys might just be this generation's Misfits. Or, at least, they would have been if they hadn't broken up right after they made this record. And it has nothing to do with the kind of music they make – their post-punk, synthesizery indie pop is pretty far removed from the Misfits – or their attitude or their image. It's all thematic. Just like the Misfits, The Unicorns are obsessed with death. Every song on the record is about it in one way or another, some more explicitly ("I Don't Wanna Die," "Ready to Die," the "Ghost" trilogy) and some less so ("Jellybones" is about a guy who gets diagnosed with a very silly terminal illness, "I Was Born (a Unicorn)" deals with the two last members of a spieces dying because they stop believing in each other), but in every case, it's never taken seriously. Death is a joke to these guys, and that's…refreshing. Add to that the facts that "Les Os" is just a song that you hear and then want to hear over…and over…and over until you are actually dead, and that the lines "I lift weights but I don't sweat/I go for a swim but I don't get wet" from "Tuff Ghost" may just be the best lyrics ever written, and you've got one hell of a great album.

3.

Viktor Vaughn (MF Doom), "Vaudeville Villain" (2003)

You didn't I'd get through this half of the list without having at least a couple instances of the pattern from the last half, did you? Though it was MF Doom's Madvillain collaboration with Madlib, "Madvillainy," that got every ounce of the critical acclaim, this album, released just before it, is a much better showcase of the masked one's skills. Songs like "Lactose and Lecithin" and "Saliva" show off some amazing production, where V. Vaughn's flow is just some kind of incredible icing. But at the same time, "Lickupon" and "Never Dead" are just complete lyrical monsters, where the beat doesn't even matter. The culmination is in the album's centerpiece, "Let Me Watch," in which Apani B. guests as Nikki, a young innocent, and Vaughn is his old villainous self. It's a real heartbreaker – he just uses her, jerks her around and drives her to self-medication. But all he really wanted was some tail – he's still oblivious to the fact that he's hurting her. It rings incredibly true, and who expected such poignancy from a guy who wears a metal mask and talks about supervillains all the time?

2.

The Shins, "Oh, Inverted World" (2001)

I know, I know. It's supposed to be played out now. Their (wait for it) followup was better (and it was excellent, most certainly). They used "New Slang" in a McDonald's commercial, even with that one lyric about bleeding into buns. Something like half the record was on the "Garden State" soundtrack. I know all that. And yet, somehow, this record is still as good as it was when I first heard it, and could still stand on its own if "New Slang" was the only song on there. The fact that the rest of the songs on the record are pretty damn great, too, is what knocks it into the stratosphere, though. Bring on all the soundtracks and commercials you want, I don't care. Try as you might, "Oh, Inverted World" will still be the same record, and I'll still listen to it, blameless, and without shame.

1.

The Arcade Fire, "Funeral" (2004)

My experience with this record is so unlike anything else, I'm almost hesitant to call it an album it all. It's more like a symphony – so layered, so nuanced, that I still haven't heard all it has to offer me. I'm not even sure how it's possible, but every single song on this record has been my favorite at one time or another. Some songs just grab you right up front ("Wake Up," "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels),"), some take a few listens ("Crown of Love," "Rebellion (Lies)"), and others can take months for a listener to really hear them ("In the Back Seat," "Une Annee Sans Lumiere"). But then you go back and you listen to the ones you liked from the very beginning, and you notice something else about them that you like, and it's almost a whole different song again. And that's just a very basic description of the songs themselves. The content – a note-perfect exploration of how the young are thrust into adulthood as our childhood passes away along with the elders in our families – is so universal an experience for everyone going through the transition into adult life, that it might as well be required listening. So listen to it already.

So, that's the top ten. Tell me what you think about it over on the message board, or post your own top ten to show me up. Also, here's my rest of my next ten (11-20), the first five of which I listed with #10-6. They are in no order whatsoever.

Grandaddy, "Sumday" (2003)
The Shins, "Chutes Too Narrow" (2003)
The Streets, "A Grand Don't Come For Free" (2004)
Interpol, "Turn on the Bright Lights" (2002)
Danger Mouse/Jay-Z, "The Grey Album" (2004)

Subjects: Aqualung and Attack of the Junior Rangers

2005-12-09T15:11:00.000-05:00

JE wrote:

I was listening to Jethro Tull's "Aqualung", that classic album of God-lovin', religion-hatin' rock-and-roll-o-city, the other day. I thought I heard the phrase "Oh helly no", but it turned out to be "I don't believe you".

My question to you is this: "What are the prospects of 'Oh helly no!' becoming America's #1 catch phrase?"

Regards,

A Jengaship.

_______________________________________________

You know, you'd be surprised how often I get asked this question, which is weird to me, because every time I've tried to start a catch phrase in this country, it's been shot down faster than a plane made of chicken flying over an weight-loss and marksmanship seminar (in fact, that's one that never really got anywhere). Honestly, though, I thought "Where's it plug in?!?" was really gonna hit the ceiling back in '97, but it got all wrapped up in the red tape and the politics of the catch phrase bureaucracy and just kind of fell flat. Surprisingly, all my stuff's been really popular in Germany, though. Go figure.

Anyway, "Oh, helly no." I certainly like the sound of it. But the questions that really matter, as with all catchphrases, are whether it will 1) avoid getting too grating too quickly and 2) actually fade away once it hits the point of grandmother-level saturation. You want both things to happen -- if everyone's annoyed with it immediately, it's dead, and if people are still saying it after your grandmother knows about it, it'll be remembered as the most annoying thing ever. So we need that golden mean.

Which means this is just the right time for me to bust out the old Where's-the-Beef-o-Meter to see just how successful this is gonna be. So let me just get this out of storage, blow the dust off of here and get it going...okay, just inputting the data, and...Oh! Here comes a printout!

I know it's a little hard to read, but if I'm seeing everything correctly, we're all going to be putting on our fancy pants pretty soon. "Oh helly no" will be somewhat popular, but corn muffins will remain sorely unappreciated in our catch phrase culture.

When will there be justice?

_______________________________________________

TB wrote:

Dear MW,

You know how much I love my website. However, I wrote a tribute to Chuck Norris a long time ago, and all of a sudden his fans are Googling his name and ending up on my website. I do like Chuck Norris, but the fans are scary as hell! And they're taking over the place! It's terrible! What should I do?

A mildly threatened sexpot

_______________________________________________

I'm glad you came to me about this. Back in '93, I had to ward off a whole crew of Norrisites with just my fists and a well-positioned, violently shaken can of Mello Yello. You're lucky, you've got some preparation time here.

Okay, the first thing to do here is not panic. They can smell fear, and they feed on the stuff. Don't let them know that you're afraid of them, though their displays of ferocity -- shoulder-length mullets, t-shirts with the sleeves cut off, plastic nunchucks -- can be among the most frightening sights in all of human experience. Breathe deeply. Let your body go limp if you can and try to enter into some kind of zen-like state of relaxation. If there's anything that Norrisites hate, it's authentic Far Eastern philosophy or martial arts techniques. Use this to your advantage!

Some other tips:

Avoid jukeboxes at all costs. There was some kind of weird magnet on "Walker, Texas Ranger" that made it so that any marginally bad guy Chuck Norris kicked went flying via some magical attraction right into a jukebox, which electrocuted them to death. I've seen this occur several times. The Norrisites have learned this technique, so try to prevent it by keeping away from these devices.

Hum "The Eyes of a Ranger" all the time. It's like a siren song to them. They hear it and suddenly they just stop in their tracks and kind of look off into space. Humming the "Walker" theme will give you just the opening to make your escape in a tough situation.

Try to find the elusive "Delta Force." I never saw the movies, but I'm supposing the Delta Force was some kind of thing Chuck Norris was supposed to find. Or maybe it was a team he was on, I don't know. A delta is a triangle, I know that much. Whatever the force of that triangle may be, I'm pretty sure that if you find it you'll gain the Norrisites' respect. You might even become their god.

Find a way to bring Bruce Lee back to life. If you had him on your side, it would be over, right there. Actually, you know, I bet Clint Eastwood could take care of things for you. Charles Bronson, even. Just don't get Seagal. His autobiography was terrible.

It was 190 pages of nothing but black-and-white pictures of him looking serious with captions that all said, "I know all about Buddhism and stuff." $24.95, Seagal? For that???

_______________________________________________

Got a question or a comment for MW? Something to run through the Where's-the-Beef-o-Meter? Got a Norrisite problem? Send me an e-mail or head over to the message board!

MW on the Web

2005-12-07T21:20:00.000-05:00

The fine folks at the National Lampoon have posted another of my pieces, "In Retrospect, I Shouldn't Have Put Those Poisonous Spiders in Your Child's Hair."

It may look familiar to some of you, but that's simply an illusion! It's a brand new piece! And hilarious! And it's on nice stationery now!

Also, two, un-funny pieces from the magazine where I've been interning are up on the web. They're about journalism stuff. You can find them here and here.

But to make up for posting something un-funny, here is yet another MS Paint drawing, this one of a scorpion fishing for a compliment.

Blogger Tag

2005-12-05T23:39:00.000-05:00

Hello, its and soon-to-be its!

So, this is my attempt to create some sort of stupid minor internet phenomenon. Its success is entirely dependent on the participation of anyone who sees this, so let's see how it goes. As a entirely unintentional consequence, it will also boost my website traffic.

Okay, see the "Next Blog" button up in the upper right-hand corner of the screen? (It was a pivotal part of Blog Cliche Roundup, if you remember.) You'll need to click on that. But before you do, you need to copy this chunk of text:

You've been Blogger Tagged! That means you, the person who writes this blog, is "it." In order to not be "it," you're going to need to go and tag somebody else. That means you're going to have to leave this exact message on another random blog! Why do I want you to do this? I don't know! It's pointless! But hopefully fun, too. For full instructions on how to tag someone, check out [a href="http://themwwebsite.blogspot.com/2005/12/blogger-tag.html"]the rules[/a] at their home on [a href="http://themwwebsite.blogspot.com/"]The MW Blog[/a].

Now, as I'm sure you've surmised, you're going to need to paste that text somewhere. Now you can click on the "Next Blog" button. After you've made sure the blog you're sent to isn't spam, and you've determined that it looks like the blogger there actually reads their comments, paste your copied message, links and all, as a comment on their most recent post. Just make sure to change the "[]" brackets to "<>" html brackets. It might be a good idea to preview before you post, just to make sure you got them all.

Hey! They've just been tagged.

As of your reading this, you're all now "it." Go tag somebody.

More Comics I Made

2005-12-04T20:47:00.000-05:00

Click the thumbnails for hilarious rewritten blank comic goodness.

Two variations on the same theme:

"Ugly Actor":

And, as a bonus image, here's an MS Paint drawing of a bear mowing grass.

Non-Letter Keyboard Keys, Part 1

2005-12-03T21:01:00.000-05:00

SHIFT

Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for Shift. I mean, we all need capital letters every now and again. Hell, I use Shift more than some of the letter keys. And I understand that you need two because whatever hand you're using for the letter can't be used for the Shift key. But, come on, Shift, aren't you just being a little cocky about this? I mean, seriously, not only are there two of you on the keyboard, but you're something like three times the size of every other key except spacebar. Nearly 15 percent of my keyboard is Shift! God, I mean, it just annoys me sometimes, you know? You think you're such a big deal, you're just out there, crowding all the other keys so they can barely even fit in their tiny little spots. I mean, holy Christ, Shift, just get over youself! Jeez! Minus 6 bullets.

TAB

Oh, Tab, you loveable scamp. I remember back when we were little, and you and I ran mischeviously into the yard of that old widow, Mrs. Buttercorn, to try and throw a frisbee onto her roof, and she came out and was all like, "You boys better quit that, so you can come in here and eat these chocolate chip cookies I made!" And we rushed in and plopped down on her couch, which was covered in plastic and lacy stuff, and we were all like, "Oh boy! Cookies! You sure are nice, Mrs. Buttercorn!" And then she asked us both what we wanted to do when we grow up, and I told her I wanted to be a game show host or a Ghostbuster, and you said you would like to indent text or move the cursor from one field to another. Old Mrs. Buttercorn just laughed at us. She died that next winter. Plus 5 bullets.

BACKSPACE

Backspace is like the anti-Shift. It kind of keeps to itself up there in the upper right-hand corner, not being flashy or really making a show out of itself, but you know you'd never get anything done without it. It's maybe the size of two letter keys, just so you know it's there, but it knows its place, too. Really, it's a very humble key. You know, a few years back, when it was awarded "Best Typo Fixer" at the annual Golden Finger Awards, it almost didn't show because it was so embarrassed, even though it said it was because it had all kinds of work to do. PgDn just had to talk Backspace into it, and finally he caved and went to receive his award. True story. Plus 8 bullets.

CTRL

Ctrl might just be the most ill-named key on the whole keyboard. Obviously, the abbreviation stands for "Control" (although for years I was convinced it was "Cartrail"), but I really have no idea what the button controls, to be honest. I mean, yeah, you can bring up the task manager in Windows with it, which I guess means you're exerting some level of control over your computer, but you have to push Alt and Delete along with it, so if there is any control there, it's not at all total. It's only a third of it. And that's pretty weak. But, really, the button is there so you can use it for keyboard shortcuts (which aren't even that useful anymore now that the mouse does just about everything). So shouldn't it be called the Shortcut key? I'm just saying. Minus 3 bullets.

INSERT

Time for a quick informal poll. Who out there actually uses the Insert key? Nobody? That's what I thought. Now, who has accidentally hit the Insert key while they were in the middle of writing something, and only after the fact realized that they had done it and written over everything they had just done because the Insert key's function is so stupid? Everybody? Wow, what an effective informal poll. It was so informal that I could just assume what your answers would be. Stupid Insert key. Minus 7 bullets.

ESC

We all need a little escape sometimes, don't we? ...Yes, I realize that was unforgivably lame. I'm terribly sorry about that. It's just, you know, I'm under so much pressure from my opnion-writing boss (me) to write these lengthy screeds about keyboard keys, and it's starting to wear on me, honestly. The only other joke I could come up with for this was about how Esc was the only survivor of a long line of keyboard keys that did amazing things, like ESL and ESP. And would that really have been any better? In fact, has any of this piece really been good at all? ...Actually, you know, I'm finding it a little difficult to breathe. Is it hot in here to anyone else? These walls are closer than they were before, I think. I'm -- I think I need to get out of here. Escape! Help me, Escape key! Escaaaaaaape! Plus 4 bullets.

so that's the first part of keyboard keys...uh-oh. looks like the shift keys are pretty pissed off. well, this is going to be awkward.

The New Members' Questionnaire at the Recently Founded Street Cred Institute in Lovely Paducah, Kentucky

2005-12-02T19:10:00.000-05:00

Name: ________________________
aka: __________________________
aka: __________________________
aka: _____"Cash Money"__________

Short Answer

1. Considering that it's like a jungle sometimes, what do you wonder is the way how we'll keep from going under?

2. Calculate the exponential relationship between one's money and his/her problems.

3.
a) Have you got hoes in a varying number of area codes?
b) If so, how many?
c) Please list the area codes in any order, with preference toward rhyming and emphasis on one particular digit (ex: 702!).

4. Would you consider the area where you live dirrrty? If not, please estimate the appropriate number of r's for your area.

5. How many problems do you have? Is a bitch one? If not, please skip ahead to question 7.

6. Do you often encourage the shorties you spend time with to sip Bacardi like it's their birthday? Don't you find that to be irresponsible?

7. If people don't dance no mo', what exactly is it that they do? Feel free to explain with words or draw a diagram.

8. What are your feelings concerning local law enforcement? Please limit your response to three words or less.

9. Pinpoint the area of the body where one's "Laffy Taffy" is located. How does one of a particular sex go about shaking it? Seriously, we don't even know.

10. When you say words aloud, how often are you inclined immediately thereafter to spell them?

11. Define the following terms:

YEEEAAAAAAH! -

WHAT?!? -

OKAYYYYYY! -

amniocentesis -

Essay

1. Imagine the hypothetical situation in which one was using his voice wrong. Would it be ethical to sample it in such a situation? Choose an argument and defend it in 500 words or less.

2. Whose world is this? It's yours? It's mine, it's mine, it's mine? Whose world is this?

3. In your own words, define what "street cred" means to you. How much of an effect it should have on your 20-year fixed-rate mortgage?

The Ten Best Albums of the '00s (so far), Part One

2005-11-30T22:15:00.000-05:00

10.

The Decemberists, "Picaresque" (2005)

For a band that sounds like they came flying out of the depths of ye olde Renaissance Faire, The Decemberists made a seriously good album with this one. To their credit, they don't just prey upon the medieval period for their songs -- their music goes all over the historical map, with tunes about 1960s-style espionage and spydom ("The Bagman's Gambit"), modern-era soldiers and wives ("16 Miltary Wives"), and pirate scourges ("The Mariner's Revenge Song"). Not everything on the record is perfect, but what works works excellently. Honestly, an 8 1/2 minute song about seeking revenge on a guy who the singer's mother asked him to kill on her deathbed should not be this damn catchy, but somehow they pulled it off.

Spoon, "Girls Can Tell" (2001)

This is the first album that you might find to be a part of a pattern on this list. If a band has an album that is either 1) incredibly critically acclaimed or 2) vastly more successful than anything else the band has done, you can pretty well be assured that the record that preceded it was pretty well superior in my book. Though Spoon really got people's attention with "Kill the Moonlight," it was this album, released a year earlier, that was catchier, more heartfelt and just plain better. Honestly, it could be composed of just three songs, "Lines in the Suit," "Everything Hits at Once," and "The Fitted Shirt," and blow most everything else out of the water.

8.

Modest Mouse, "The Moon and Antarctica" (2000)

Hey! Look at that! Yet another example of an album preceding a more well-known followup! Are you beginning to see what I meant when I said there would be a pattern of this? Yeah, prepare yourself. Anyway, "Moon" is a far more cohesive album than is poppier younger brother, "Good News for People Who Love Bad News," and it's more genuinely Modest Mouse. It's hard to found a weirder song than "I Came As a Rat," but Isaac Brock sings it in such a sincere little lispy wisp that it's hard to deny just how endearing it is. And I mean, come on, who else can make a funky little repitition about drinking Coca-Cola sound so cool? Nobody, that's who.

7.

Outkast, "Stankonia" (2000)

Okay, I admit this one's a bit of a cheat. "Stankonia" was an incredible critical and commercial success, beloved by just about everyone, but it didn't see the hype that "Speakerboxx/The Love Below" saw three years later, so I'm counting it in my pattern anyway. Even so, this is the definitive Outkast album. Every song on there is a listenable single, with maybe two or three exceptions, and unlike just about every other hip-hop record, the sketches are actually tolerable and can even be kind of funny on the 20th listen. ("That's a Hawaiian Silky!" Heh.) But really the main thing about "Stankonia" is that it contains the song that is perhaps the only song that makes me feel good immediately when I hear it, no matter what. That song is called "So Fresh, So Clean," and I cannot thank Dre and Big Boi enough for it.

6.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah" (2005)

Well, I can't say that this one fits my pattern, because there hasn't been a followup album yet. But when there is, it'll probably be more critically acclaimed. Maybe. Actually, it's tough to get more critically acclaimed than this record. I fellated it pretty well myself in this review (the last one of the threefer), where I gave it an A, so even I'm not exempt. I'm not sure there's anything else to say about it, except I still don't think the guy sounds like David Byrne.

I'll be listing albums 5 through 1 in my next Reviews post, but in the meantime, here's half the list that would have been 11-20, in no particular order.

The Wrens, "The Meadowlands" (2003)
Madvillain, "Madvillainy" (2004)
The Roots, "Phrenology" (2002)
New Pornographers, "The Electric Version" (2003)
Radiohead, "Kid A" (2000)

Both lists finished next time. And, if you'd like, go ahead and post up your own top ten list on the message board!

Subjects: Confucius Say and RE: Your Education

2005-11-27T20:59:00.000-05:00

EB wrote:

Grasshopper—I wanted to bring to your attention the passing of a giant among men--the beloved Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita, better known as Mr. Kesuke Miyagi. That’s right, Mr. Miyagi, the light of your karmic existence (stop me if I’m putting words in your mouth) has left us to wax on and wax off alone. And let’s be honest, if Mr. Miyagi has taught us anything, it’s that waxing off is more fun when done under the instruction of an old Japanese man. I was wondering if you could perhaps pay tribute to the man who brought joy and racial stereotypes to so many as Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid series.

With Complimentary Oranges,
E.

_______________________________________________

Not only was Pat Morita the Karate Kid's mentor, Mr. Miyagi, he was also Matsuo "Arnold" Takahashi on "Happy Days." We must all now wax off alone, sadly. I have chosen to mourn in my own special way -- by posting the title screen of the classic 1987 "Karate Kid" NES game.

Rest in peace, Pat-san. You will live on forever in this mediocre game on my Nintendo Entertainment System.

And EB, Thanks for the oranges.

_______________________________________________

Ryan Holloway - MBA, PhD wrote:

You've been nominated,

Thanks to a private nomination, you are now eligable to obtain an official University Degree.

Obtain a prosperous future, increase money-earning power, and the enjoy the prestige that comes with having the career position you've always dreamed of. The degree will be awarded to you based on your present knowledge and life experience, bachelors, masters, phd and more are available.

If you are serious about this, please call us back ASAP at
(THERE WAS A PHONE NUMBER HERE, TRUST ME. -MW)

Sincerely,

Ryan Holloway - MBA, PhD - MBA, PhD
-Admissions Officer

_______________________________________________

This... this is serious, Dr. Businessman Holloway? My own University Degree??? I don't believe it! I mean, I never imagined I could get my very own University Degree! Oh, Dr. Businessman, you've made my day!

All I have to do is prove my life experience and knowledge for a "bachelors, masters, phd and more" (the most prestigious of degrees), huh? Well, okay, let's see...

Um...I've been to Florida several times and have flown over any number of states. I once broke and nearly fixed a personal computer. At one point, I thought I had sciatica, but it turned out there was just a Cheeto lodged into my calf, so I'm pretty good with medical diagnosis. I played catch while standing right in the middle of the rye once, but I was wearing the pitcher's glove, so that only kind of half counts. I have appeared on up to three game shows and have several consolation prizes stowed away in my garage. I own a couple of those Johnny Carson DVDs, does that count for anything? I know that Russia is a country somewhere. I am aware of both birds and bees and the fact that the story they're a euphamism for has nothing to do with either. I know the difference between a bedspread and a comforter.

And...that's all.

So what do I get?

All right! Great! Let me just take a second and hang this up on my wall...

Hey! Wait a minute! ...Ewwwww.

Thanks, guy, but no thanks.

_______________________________________________

Got a question for MW about some recently deceased character actor? Or an offer for a degree from a university that is unfortunately hampered by the state it's in? Send me an e-mail or head over to the message board!

Dikembe Mutombo Index Finger Pictures

2005-11-26T12:41:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone.

A recent pair of Google searches with the search string above apparently led people to this site for one reason or another. Unfortunately, the MW Blog up to this point has regretfully lacked photographs of the world-famous Congolese Houston Rockets center's pointer. Let it never be said, then, that I don't give the people what they want. Enjoy.

I hope I've done the Cookie Monster-voiced big man with a heart of gold proud.

Shadow of the Colossus: Real Edition

2005-11-23T23:30:00.000-05:00

Sony Computer Entertainment's "Shadow of the Colossus" is a video game hailed by critics and other critics alike. An understated artistic masterpiece, "Colossus," some say, has changed the way we think about video games. But what about its influence on our society? Just like the Grand Theft Auto Franchise, "Colossus" may very well spur on impressionable children to go out and commit the acts they perform in the digital worlds that seem so real on their television screens. What can we do about this?

In my opinion, the only thing we can do is encourage it.

And so, here are some tips for you "Shadow of the Colossus" wannabes out there, you kids who wanna take out your aggression on that well-groomed and confident fellow whose very well-adjusted, girlfriend-having existence you see as an affront to everything you live for.

WARNING: Spoilers abound!

STEP 1: Forget your name and get yourself a poncho. You can have an unofficial name (something like "Wanderer" or "Traveler"), but never say it out loud. Kind of have a Clint Eastwood thing going on, if he were 14. Jump around really clumsily and try not to talk very much. Get a horse who's hard to control, but probably just because you're a crappy owner who doesn't even feed him and bullies him around. But as punk-ass as you can possibly be.

STEP 2: Have some girl get really seriously injured or killed. You don't really have to be in love with her or anything, but it would probably be good to have a reason to want to bring her back to life. You're going to have to do a lot of work for it, so you might as well make it count for something.

STEP 3: Take the girl to a forbidden land where no one else is. Have a disembodied voice tell you that to save her, you have to kill 16 colossi that roam the land. Carry on the conversation in a gibberish language.

STEP 4: Seek out some colossi around the countryside. They need to be skyscraper-sized, at least most of them for this to work, so keep that in mind. It also helps if they're generally docile peaceful. Also, their being magnificently beautiful and unique goes a long way too.

STEP 5: Kill the ancient colossi by attacking them first and unfairly using your magic sword to find their weak spots. Make these gorgeous beings scream out in pain as you stab them into helpless submission. Make sure that really sad music plays as they tragically collapse to the ground. Then, make me feel really bad about just having you kill this beautiful thing, you rat bastard.

STEP 6: Go back and talk to that disembodied voice after you've killed them all, only to discover that, like an idiot, you've killed the guardians who were protecting the world from some crazy shadow-demon thing. Have the demon-thing possess your body until some priest seals you off in a temple and kills you, so that when the girl actually does come to life, she'll be stuck in there with your horse, who, by the way, breaks my heart because he has to hobble when he walks due to a broken leg. Inexplicably turn into a baby who by all appearances will be raised by the girl and the horse in a very unusual parental arrangement.

You win, you damned moron!

Ill-Advised Dollar Store Purchases

2005-11-20T20:14:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite hobbies is to go to the dollar store and point at things in wonderment, exclaiming to total strangers, "Look at this! It's only a dollar!" Here are some things that I would still point at excitedly, but not really mean it.

TV Settings

2005-11-19T20:22:00.000-05:00

BRIGHTNESS

I think if I ever actually adjust any of the settings on my picturetron, it's almost always brightness. For one reason or another, game developers, especially the developers of games in the survival horror genre, like to make thier products very dark. And, you know, that's all well and good, making the game scary and all, but the main problem is I can't freaking see anything. And you know what else, Konami? I'm not gonna open that damn door if I can't see it. I've already got a giant Pyramid-headed guy chasing after me with a giant knife. You'd think you could at least give me some flourescent lights or something to help me out, but no, I just have to adjust the brightness myself. Thanks a lot. Plus 5 bullets.

COLOR

Okay, I guess that they have to put this one on there so folks who are averse to seeing people and/or objects in color or any sort of accurate representation of the real world and as such can make the television they purchased a black and white one, but seriously, why does anyone have to alter the color of their television? I think all of us can reasonably discern whether or not the color "looks right" at any given time, and with the advent of cable and satellite, there aren't the broadcast problems that there used to be. So, why doesn't Magnavox just go ahead and program the TV to play in color, so that I don't turn on my set and see that my eight-year-old cousin has made everything unbearably, brightly colorful? Yeah, I know that I could pretty much say the same thing about all the other settings, but "color" has just really been getting on my bad side lately. Minus 8 bullets.

TINT

Here's the trouble with "tint": it's very, very misleading. Okay, the actual thing that happens when you change the "tint" function on the TV actually makes the picture either more red or more green. Now, that's okay, we all need a little more redness or greenness sometimes, you know, to make blood bloodier and money more...monier? Monier, I guess. But the use of the word "tint" just throws me off. I pressed the "tint" button originally hoping to darken the windows of my 1993 Jeep Cherokee Country and you know...make it all tricked out. Maybe even add some decals with Japanese lettering on them. And that just didn't happen. Minus 3 bullets.

CONTRAST

Without a doubt, I always, and I mean always, turn the "contrast" all the way up. Why, you ask? Well, if my guess is right, and I think it is, a TV's "contrast" feature is what differentiates it from other household items. When the contrast is all the way up, you know for an absolute fact that your TV is not a radio, DVD player or Mr. Coffee, and that it's certainly not a dishwasher or a toilet. (I've heard a horror story or two about people who only put their contrast half of the way up and...well...how do I put this discreetly? ...Crapped in their TV. And that's just gross.) Turn the contrast up, people! For the love of God, we need contrast! Plus 6 bullets.

SHARPNESS

I'll tell you the problem with the "sharpness" setting: it allows for two separate word-related jokes, neither of which are that funny. I mean, first, I could say something about how I turn the "sharpness" up as much as I can so I can try to stab people with my TV. Ugh. Second, I could talk about how changing the "sharpness" feature on the TV could cause all the people on ER to either wear dirty rags (on the lowest setting) or tuxedos (on the highest). See? Get it? The higher the setting, the sharper their clothes! Have you ever heard a joke so vomit-rific? Minus 4 bullets.

NUDITY

They only offer this function on a few TVs; you know, the really high-dollar jobs with the high definition plasma screens and all that. Lately, Best Buy and Circuit City have been all about advertising their TVs with the "nudity" feature like it's some kind of big deal, but I'm gonna let the cat out of the bag, here. Okay, there we go. And now that that's done, I'm gonna tell you about the "nudity" function. While you might think that such a feature would cause the shows you watch to have more or less nudity (as if "Rome" could actually contain anymore -- am I right, folks?), it actually just makes the TV itself more or less nude. And, yeah, seeing a cathode ray tube is great and all, but it's obviously something of a disappointment. So, in other words, just get Cinemax. Or that hidden sex game in San Andreas. Or don't. Yeah, don't. Minus 2 bullets.

And so, these TV settings end up with negative 6 bullets. I think in part because televisions are beautiful just the way they are. Don't change, ladies! Also, there's that troublemaker "color." He'll get his.

An Excerpt From My Upcoming Novel About a Robot Who Believes He Is Dying of Cholera

2005-11-17T23:02:00.000-05:00

Chapter 10

And So Comes the News

HypoBot 5000 sat on his cold, hard hospital bed, looking out the window at the rain streaming down onto the ambulances screaming by, sirens wailing, as if to mourn his dreadful condition. It was late April, and the clinic had a different smell to it, the smell, it seemed to him, of death and rebirth. At least, as far as HypoBot's smell receptors could percieve it, that was the smell. He wondered how he could have gotten here. Why all this had to happen to him now, when there was still so much left to do.

"Does not compute," HypoBot said aloud, to no one in particular. "Just...does not compute."

Nearly four months had passed since HypoBot had checked himself in at St. Mary's. It was the 117th day of his stay in the science fiction and fantasy characters ward, the area headed up by the good Nurse Shipley and her team of helpful engineers and wizards, all of whom did their best to ratchet up a smile or conjure up some hope in these bleak days. HypoBot had made some dear friends during his stay: Frankie the Unicorn, who had long been afflicted with a severe case of gout; Martian warlord Zarnok the Conqueror, whose lung cancer had come from years of inhaling raygun fumes; Paisley O'Shamrock, a diabetic leprechaun on his last leg; unfortunate mutant Michael Faltworth, also known as "Neck" because he was born with no head; and aspiring magic user Wicksworth the Magnificient, who, while practicing a spell one afternoon, had accidentally turned himself into a sentient case of herpes.

HypoBot pondered how many thoughts he would be able to process before the last 0 or 1 ran through his complex circuitry.

It is good that I have known these people, he thought, even though I have only stored their vital, identifying information into my memory banks and have purged much of my conversational and relationship-based data to make room for this new self-pity software. Oh, how I shall miss them. And how I shall also be missed!

"Error!" he cried. "Error!"

Serving lunch in another section of the ward, Nurse Shipley, hearing HypoBot's cries, kindly decided to bring him his meal and attend to his woes. She arrived by his bedside with a plate of Salisbury steak, with some mashed potatoes on the side and some Jell-O for dessert. Nurse Shipley knew that Jell-O was HypoBot's favorite and was hoping that an extra big helping would cheer him up.

At the sight of his lunch, HypoBot solemnly opened his frontal cavity, clasped the plate with one of his clamps and poured in the sustinence, all of which near-instantly exited through is exhaust spout and clanged into the bedpan underneath him. Even the Jell-O, it appeared, was no help.

"Now don't go mopin' around like that!" said the nurse. "I've heard from a pretty knowldgeable source that Dr. Conway might just be comin' to see you this afternoon with some big news!"

HypoBot sat up in his bed, filled with hope and most likely smiling brightly if he had had the facial features to do so instead of a molded series of titanium plates onto which was grafted a lighted power indicator that constantly glowed red.

"Error?" he asked, hopefully.

"No, 'tis surely true," said the nurse as she bounded off to serve another patient. "So buck up a hint, eh?"

For the remainder of the afternoon, HypoBot 5000 sat perched in his bed, almost jumping out of his skin (if he had any) in anticipation of the doctor's news. Could it be an all-clear? A new miracle cure? Or even just another robot in the ward with whom he could truly share his plight? The realm of possibilities was endless, he thought. Too many to count, even. And he could perform nearly 4500 calculations a second, during his prime. This gave HypoBot newfound hope.

After a seeming eternity, Dr. Conway did, in fact, push back the curtain and finally stepped carefully into HypoBot's area of the ward, clipboard in hand, just as good Nurse Shipley had promised. Too excited to contain himself, HypoBot held out his clamps and asked the doctor what news he had brought.

"Please input data!" he exclaimed. "Please input data!"

Dr. Conway sat on the side of HypoBot's bed and casually tried to calm him down, assuredly taking both of the robot's clamps in his smooth human doctor-hands. He grinned slightly at his patient, who had won his heart as soon as he had been shipped into the building and re-assembled on this very bed.

"I have some good news," said the doctor. "After some extensive testing, we've discovered that robots don't have intestinal tracts and can't get cholera."

"Processing..." said HypoBot. "Error?"

"No, I mean it," said the doctor. "As a robot, you just can't have it."

HypoBot released an exaust plume of relief that caused Dr. Conway to cough for several minutes.

"But," the doctor said once he recovered, "I do have some other news. It appears that you do have another disorder that we may have to look into."

"Input data," said HypoBot.

"Well," said Dr. Conway, looking down at his chart, "I'm not sure how this is possible, but it seems as though you might have been experiencing some mild -- but increasingly more serious -- dementia."

"Processing," said HypoBot, biting his lower lip, if he had one. "Does...does not compute."

"Essentially," said the doctor, "you're losing your mind."

HypoBot engaged his doubt capacitor. Once that was done, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. If he remembered anything about him other than his name and his sickness, he thought, he would have wondered what Frankie had to say about this.

Subject: Andrew: Good News

2005-11-13T21:31:00.000-05:00

Matthew Pina MD wrote:

- Confidential Instant Pharmacy -

The most secure Licensed pharmacy on the planet. Strict Confidentiality Laws allow us to keep all your information, billing info, & orders, discrete and safe.

We pride ourselves on quality meds, service, & satisfaction. Our prices are some of the lowest in the world.

Specials include: Amb. (sleep), Phtrmne. (weight), Cial/viag (men), val/xan (depression), & more.

Visit our secure site for more information.
(LINK NO MORE. -MW)

If you are not part of the group or did not request information then continue.
(LINK EVEN LESS MORE. -MW)

_______________________________________________

I believe the best way to respond to this particular e-mail from Dr. Pina is to do so line-by-line. Let's get on with it then, shall we?

- Confidential Instant Pharmacy -
Questions: Is the instant confidential? The Pharmacy? Can you get drugs in a confidential instant? If the pharmacy is confidential, why are you telling me about it? Does the pharmacy only last an instant? How could I go about locating a pharmacy that is permanent and that everybody can know about?

The most secure Licensed pharmacy on the planet.
Which one? Where? I think it may be so secure that they can't even put a verb in that sentence. Also, is there a more secure unLicensed pharmacy? Is that why it can't get a license? Because no one can get in?

Confidentiality Laws allow us to keep all your information, billing info, & orders,
discrete and safe.
I think it's great that the laws are so cool about things that they don't actually force you to do that stuff, but still allow you to do it because you so badly want to. I imagine the scenario going something like this:

CONFIDENTIAL INSTANT PHARMACY: Can I keep all the information, billing info & orders discrete and safe? Pleeeeeeease?
CONFIDENTIALITY LAWS: Hmmm...I dunno. What does your mother say?
CIP: She said I could! Come oooonnnnn!
CL: Did you finish your homework?
CIP: Confidentiality Lawwwwwws! You know I did!
CL: Well, put the cat out and then you can keep them discrete and safe until bed time.
CIP: Yessssss!

We pride ourselves on quality meds, service, & satisfaction.
It's good to know that the internet pharmacies out there are satisfied with themselves. Customer satisfaction would be cool, but really, you gotta like yourself first. Good first step, guy. Looks like you won't be needing that Zoloft after all.

Our prices are some of the lowest in the world.
But your self-esteem is riding high! Unless "prices" is a veiled reference to "self-worth." It's not like that, is it buddy? Hey, hey, it's okay. Don't cry. Your prices can be as high as you want! That's right. Don't fight it. Take this Zoloft. Yeah, just down the whole bottle. That's it.

Specials include: Amb. (sleep), Phtrmne. (weight), Cial/viag (men), val/xan (depression), & more.
Not sure what these drugs are, but I the parentheticals seem to be what they treat. So either they're for your lack of sleep, weight, men and depression or an overabundance of sleep, weight, men and depression. Actually, the end of that sentence seems to be the telling sign -- you get "more." So anyone looking for more sleep (which I could use), weight (that too I guess), men (I think I'm pretty good on that one) or depression (which I could bottle, sell and have plenty left over), this is the place.

Visit our secure site for more information.
All this security is making me uncomfortable. Is there any way you could just stuff the pills inside a cake and secretly send them to me via a shady neighbor? I think I'd just feel better about the whole thing if you did.

If you are not part of the group or did not request information then continue.
There's...there's a group? I don't think I'm a part of it. At least, nobody invited me.

No, no...that's okay. You already invited the people you wanted, I don't want you to go out of your way for me.

Hey, you still got that Zoloft?

_______________________________________________

Do you have any Zoloft? Or just a question for MW's mailbag so I don't have to keep talking to ficitonal people who run online pharmacies? If you do, drop over by the message board or send me an e-mail.

Site Design Upgrade

2005-11-10T22:34:00.000-05:00

Hello all.

As is by this point grossly apparent, I've made some updates to the design here at the MW Blog -- namely, I've added in a set of markers for each post category at the top and have started including markers in each post instead of putting the category in the title. Also, I've started using a tagline at the top of the page (which I hope to change about once a week).

Anyway, I hope you like the changes. Content on the site will stay altogether the same -- i.e. one post of each type will be up on the main page all the time, pieces will remain the same level of marginally funny -- but now it will be, in my opinion, much prettier.

What do you think of the new look? Leave me a comment and let me know. Or, if you haven't yet, leave me a comment just letting me know what you think of the site in general, good or bad. I'd like to hear from you.

A guy walks into a bar...

2005-11-07T23:14:00.000-05:00

We've all heard jokes that start with "So a guy walks into a bar..." some of them good, some not so great.

Like this one, for instance:

Well, I want to see your best "A guy walks into a bar..." jokes. Drop on over at the message board and hit me with your best.

Some Comics I Made

2005-11-06T22:58:00.000-05:00

I made these mostly for JayPinkerton.com's "Write this Comic!" contests, where we just take blank comics and screw around with them to make new ones. The first two were a little too big to fit, so just click on the thumbnail to see the full image. Enjoy.

These are some of the early ones I did. My more recent stuff is weirder and maybe funnier, and you can probably expect to see it in the near future.

The Five Elements the Planeteers Combined to Make Captain Planet, Plus One They Should Have Had

2005-11-04T19:50:00.000-05:00

EARTH

Before I actually get into this, I would like to point out that it's been quite a while since I've watched Captain Planet, and until just now when I did a search for some images, I had completely forgotten that he had a mullet. Check that guy out! Rockin' that green mullet! And it's a flat-top mullet, no less! I'm just glad to know that the protector of our environment had a whole Billy Ray Cyrus thing going on and by all indications drove a full-size Ford pickup. Anyway, earth. Did they really have to give the black guy dirt for his power? I imagine that in the Turner board meeting that inevitably resulted in this show, the most insensitive guy in the room said something to the effect of, "Well, the African guy's brown, and dirt's brown, so why not make him earth? We made the red-haired guy fire, after all." And everyone was too appalled to say anything. Minus 8 bullets.

FIRE

I'm not sure this is an entirely accurate statement, but I don't really think fire is something that occurs as naturally as say, water and earth. I mean, yeah, the occasional forest fire happens naturally, and I guess the sun is more or less fire (really hot gas, technically), but that's not really our planet. Or a planet at all. So I wouldn't say that fire is particularly elemental, though the ancients thought it was. If anything, I'd say that all that stuff inside the planet -- molten rock -- is more accurate. Plus, molten rock would be a lot more effective against that guy made out of nuclear waste or that lady whose face was messed up on one side. A wall of fire to stop them or a big chunk of liquid granite to melt the bastards? It maybe would have made the show a little less kid-friendly, but that's the price you pay for realism. The environment's no laughing matter, folks. Minus 2 bullets.

WIND

My favorite thing about the Russian girl who had the power of wind was that she always said "vind!" in the most stereotypical, borscht-eating accent you could imagine. Honestly, I think that the producers of this show assigned these particular people from these particular countries their powers not as some nod to multiculturalism but to distinctly uphold existing stereotypes. The tribal African guy knows all about dirt because of his agricultural society, the South American kid is a bleeding heart pinko commie, the "fiery" American guy has a short fuse and is selfish, the Asian girl (like Bruce Lee) is like water, and the Russian girl shouts "Vind!" I'm not really sure what other connection Russia has to wind, other than maybe the chilling blasts that blow about the Siberian plains, but I don't really care, because, even now, "Vind!" cracks me up just thinking about it. Plus 4 bullets.

WATER

I'm thinking back to the opening credits of the show, and I seem to remember the Asian girl who had the water power riding a dolphin as she was introduced. This always confused me, as I thought she only had control of the water itself, not the stuff that lived in the water, like she was some kind of Aquaman-lite. And last I checked, dolphins were decidedly not made of water (and I'll have you know, I check regularly). So what the crap was that dolphin-riding stuff? But then, come to think of it, I don't really recall too many instances of the Planeteers using their powers to any real effect, anyway, other than to, you know, create Captain Planet. Which brings up another question: Why didn't they just have Captain Planet around all the time? Every episode consisted of them failing for 20 minutes, then having him come in and fix everything anyway. Just bring him in at the beginning, Planeteers! Idiots! ...Oh, right, water. Um, whatever. Riding the dolphin is the only thing from those credits I remember, so Plus 1 bullet, I guess.

HEART

This one showed so much promise, but they had to go and make it all fruity. Remember in Castlevania 2, when Simon Belmont had to go around and collect all of Dracula's parts -- his heart, his eye, his nail, his rib, his ring -- so he could put him back together to kill him and break his curse? I kind of imagined that's what the heart this kid used to make Captain Planet would be. Like, all the other kids would have the powers of "Rib" and "Nail" and "Eye," which they would burn on a pyre to resurrect the odious Captain Planet and break his horrible curse on the environment. And at night, the enemies would be, like, way way tougher. But actually "heart" turned out to be the kid's brave spirit or some crap like that. Feh. Minus 9 bullets.

LIGHTNING

Somebody please explain to me why this wasn't included in the show. They had heart, but no lightning? There's just as much electricity on earth as there is fire, at the very least. Hell, it occurs more naturally than fire, even -- it comes out of the damned sky. Here's my theory: Lightning was just way too cool for them to use it on the show. The kid who would have used lightning would have had to have been some kickass Icelandic dude with long, Thor-like hair and a name like Guomundr. He would have had to have had a mighty guitar he called "Mjolnir" and he probably would have ignored all the other Planeteers as he rocked out on it because he was so much cooler than they were. Odds are he wouldn't have even bothered combining powers to create Captain Planet, and if he did, he would have just kicked his ass. God, I love Guomundr. Plus 13 bullets.

I would take some extra time to go over the five elements that a group of kids sometimes mix together to create me (apathy, disgusted anger, snark, ego and smugness), but I don't care, am kind of mad about it and am above it.

Form Letter

2005-11-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

This piece is now up on the National Lampoon.

Read it here!

Family Guy - Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (DVD)

2005-11-01T00:24:00.000-05:00

I'll admit right out that I'm not the world's biggest Family Guy fan. In fact, the show really rubbed me the wrong way when it first premiered, what, 6 years ago? I figured it was just a Simpsons clone that wouldn't last.

Luckily, as the show progressed, I was proven wrong. I actually grew to like Family Guy and realized it had its own, very different brand of humor. I didn't always think the show's timing was quite right -- it seemed to move too fast for the jokes to really have an impact, but it still had its moments. The figure I usually quoted people was 50%. That is, it's funny about that much of the time. Which, compared to other stuff is pretty high marks, but it still means that half the time, you can expect the jokes to fall flat.

Which brings me to this disc, an "uncensored movie" which really seems to amount to "three unaired episodes stuck together with some cursing added in." It's funny about 1 percent of the time, if it's lucky. Actually I made sure to keep a tally of the number of times something I thought remotely funny took place during this thing's 85-minute-or-so runtime. I ended up with three. Not three times I laughed, mind you, because I didn't do that at all. Just three occasions that something was kind of conceptually funny.

And that's a crying shame, because this actually had some potential. The "A" story, the one where Stewie meets himself in the future, actually isn't a half-bad premise. Unfortunately, the execution doesn't work nearly as well, as scenes showing the milksoppish demeanor of adult Stewie drag on far beyond where they ought to. Jokes about Parade magazine (one of the three in the tally) notwithstanding, adult Stewie is a lot less compelling than he should be/is made out to be. For each of the rest of the family's future incarnations, the less said the better.

The two "B" stories (the premises for the other two unaired episodes, presumably) concern Peter getting his own segment on the local news and an effort to teach Chris and Meg about romance. Too bad they don't connect with the main story in any discernable way or else they might have actually had a reason to be there.

The whole fiasco is bookended by two segments which show the characters celebrating the debut of their movie. Here's all I have to say about it: if the ideas of a drunk, cursing mother acting entirely out of character or perhaps a presumably educated Asian reporter degenerating into "me-love-you-long-time" stereotypical behavior for no apparent reason are on their face hilariously funny to you, by all means go out and buy this disc.

If you have taste, though, I'm sure you'll understand why it deserves an F.

Subject: Re: Bob (Spam)

2005-10-29T17:26:00.000-04:00

Linda Duran wrote:

Client Update - 4 New Matches:

Hey there, just wanted you to know I have matched your profile with 4 girls within a few miles of Your City who are seriously interested in hooking up with you, yes I've done my homework ;-) now its time for you to bring your A game. I'm sure they will probably want to chat with you a little first but thats normal, plus i think most of them have a cam so you can check them out first.

(NO LINK! BAD LINDA! -MW)

Good Luck and Play Safe
-Linda Duran

Disclaimer-
Please be advised that this is NOT your typical service, privacy is of
the upmost concern and your satisfaction & discretion is top priority.
please accept our apology and see the link below if this reached you in
error:
(LINDA! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT LINKS!?! -MW)

______________________________________________

Um...Linda? Something's bothering me here. Your subject line made me believe that this message was going to somehow be about Bob. But I don't see a single word in here about him. I'm worried, Linda. I'm worried that Bob's out there, with no one to talk to, no one to hear his cries of despair, while we sit here, chatting it up about four girls who are interested in hooking up with me. Don't we have priorities, Linda? Don't we have compassion??? What about Bob, Linda?

WHAT ABOUT BOB?????

Anyway, thanks for the heads-up. I don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that there were four girls out there in Your City (which is what it's called, that's amazing) who matched my profile. I didn't even know I had a profile! And yet here we are. After some perusal of your link, I came across this:

My quote sums up my feelings about it pretty nicely. Allow me to suggest two substitute profiles for you, though:

I think those'll really get me a long way.

Okay, it looks like I've only got one thing left to do, and that's briging my A game. Don't worry about that, I've got Monopoly.

That's right, Monopoly.

Only thing about it is, I need to be the car.

...

What's that, Linda?

...

No, I said you can't be the car.

...

I want to be the car! Gimme back that car! Agggghhhhhh! Stop fighting me, Linda!

...

Ow! My eye! You shoved the car into my eye! Now my profile's inaccurate! It clearly shows that I have two eyes! The four girls in Your City will never like me now!

You've ruined me, Linda.

______________________________________________

Impressed by MW's SinglesMatch profile? Interested in a lonely one-eyed man? Not Linda? Send me an e-mail or head over to the message board!

Links!

2005-10-28T21:24:00.000-04:00

In my recent travails around the internet with Stumbleupon (I'm on there as wilyandy), I've found some pretty cool links recently. Thought I'd share 'em.

Nedroid.com
This isn't a site I found via Stumbleupon, and it's actually been in the sidebar links for a while, but I thought I needed to mention it in a post. This is some of the funniest random-esque humor on the web. Great comics, really cool art, and just as amusing as hell. A particular favorite of mine is The Singing Lion.

HuhCorp
There's not a whole lot to this site, but what there is, I love. It's a beautiful parody of just about every corporate website that exists. The pseudo-impressive, vague and entirely meaningless language is pitch-perfect. What the hell is "consulting" anyway? This site proves that no one actually knows. Reminds me a lot of an updated version of the beautiful website known as THORAXCORP LLC,,..

Inside Pulse v2
Some reasonably good comic reviews on here. I try to find them anywhere I can these days now that The Fourth Rail rarely updates and pretty much only looks at indie stuff anymore.

Television Without Pity
Yet another site I didn't actually discover by stumbling, but which definitely needs a recommend. Their recaps of 24 and Lost are brilliant and point out the massive plotting problems that even good shows have. Plus, it's just really snarky.

Leninade
I'm actually not sure whether I love or hate this, but they got the propaganda stuff pretty much right. As far as I can tell, it's a real drink. If anybody's actually had one or would be willing to send me one to try, e-mail me.

Libelous Claims About Large Corporations
I like this blog largely because its title and url are longer than most of its entries, which are pretty funny to boot.

Guess the Google
A fun and addictive game based entirely on Google image searches. You guess the keyword.

Neave Games' Tetris
The best online version of Tetris I've found yet. I could play this game for the rest of my life.

USA Today Crosswords
Somehow I managed to fall in love with crossword puzzles over the past few months (I think it has something to do with working in an office with nothing else to do). These are pretty fun flash versions of puzzles that offer some challenge but are still doable.

If you've got a link of your own you'd like to share, by all means post it in the comments.

Album Covers Redux!

2005-10-25T18:14:00.000-04:00

So, you've seen my Photoshopped album covers (if you haven't, scroll down just a little). Now let's see yours! Shop one up and post it on the message board here.

I've put a couple bonus 'shops up in there, so check them out. Then, go ahead make one or two that are better.

Album Covers Redux

2005-10-23T16:59:00.000-04:00

Potato Chip Flavors

2005-10-22T10:40:00.000-04:00

ORIGINAL

I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but I can no longer just eat plain potato chips. There's just something about the flavor of potato that just seems to need... something else. True, potato chips already have the added flavor of salt, which is important, but there's just something about a completely synthetic powder that's supposed to taste like some other thing that I just really enjoy. It's kind of like those instant grits that they make with "cheddar flavor." There's no cheddar in the stuff at all, but whatever is in there just makes it much, much better than any kind of normal grit. Although, with grits I can pretty much get the same effect with something like a half a stick of butter. So I suppose if I just put some Blue Bonnet in my bag of Lay's...ewww. Minus 5 bullets.

BARBECUE

A lot of people don't like barbecue potato chips, but those people are barbarians. When barbecue potato chips are good, they're really good. True, sometimes, barbecue flavoring can be bad, but only if you buy Wise potato chips of some of those other cheap-o chips, in which case, you deserve bad barbecue flavoring. Anyway, I think that adding good barbecue flavor to just about anything is helpful. Think about it. They've already made Pepsi Blue. So why don't they go ahead and make Pepsi Barbecue? I mean, I'd drink it. Plus 6 bullets.

SOUR CREAM 'N ONION

A while back I had this idea that I was going to make a lot of money by doing to french fries what's already been done for potato chips. That is, I would flavor them. It soon came to my attention that it wasn't a very good idea at all, since french fries don't come pre-cooked, but instead come frozen and have to be, you know, cooked. My solution to that problem was that the fries should just come with a package of seasoning to be applied after the fries are cooked. I'm still thinking about doing that, so I'm trusting you all not to steal my idea. I bring all this up because the flavor that was on my mind the entire time I was thinking of this was sour cream 'n onion, for two reasons. One, because by sound itself sour cream 'n onion just sounds putrid and horrific, but in fact it's quite tasty, and two, sour cream 'n onion chips have those little green specks on the chips to denote flavor. It's like a siren call, saying, "Hey, check it out everybody! Flavor!" Plus 4 bullets.

SALT 'N VINEGAR

This is yet another flavor of the "'n" persuasion (I'm guessing that potato chip makers just outright hate conjunctions in their full form). Trouble is, there's absolutely no need for it. All potato chips have salt. Frankly, if all potato chips went by the conventions of salt 'n vinegar, then we'd have "salt 'n sour cream 'n onion" or, for original, "salt." For all intents and purposes, these chips should simply be "vinegar" flavor. And since I had a bad experience with drinking vinegar straight out of the bottle as a child, that's kind of scary to me. Minus 3 bullets.

RANCH

I really have trouble with ranch. Mainly because I have no idea what it has to do with a ranch. I mean, all the other potato chip flavors give you an idea of what they taste like by their name--barbecue tastes like barbecue, if barbecue were an orange powder. But if ranch tasted like a ranch, I suppose that would mean that it would have some sort of "cow" flavor or maybe a "horse" flavor. Then, of course, you would have to include all the byproducts of cows an horses. But instead, you get a taste that's simply very mellow and actually isn't that bad. And yes, I do thank God above that ranch doesn't really taste like a ranch, but I just can't stand false advertising. 0 bullets.

SMOKED HAM & PICKLE

This is an actual flavor of potato chip in Britain which I just found out about today. True, given that I haven't technically even eaten smoked ham & pickle potato chips, since I just discovered them, I'm not really qualified to give an opinion on them, but I can try to imagine what they taste like. So, here we go. I'm just gonna close my eyes and...hmmmm...yes...I see...interesting flavor...I...gah!.. Eww! Blah! Blah! Urg! I'm gonna go scrape the little imaginary pieces off my tongue now. Minus 8 bullets.

So, potato chip flavors end up with an overall score of negative 6 bullets. Well, I guess I'll go ahead and cancel that order for the Ron Popeil food dryer now. Although the prospect of jerky remains enticing.

How to Shoot an Apple off of a Man's Head From A Hundred Yards

2005-10-19T18:30:00.000-04:00

I have a new piece up at the National Lampoon (one step higher than the less-than-entirely professional State Lampoon.)

Read it here.

Threefer! (Music)

2005-10-18T22:43:00.000-04:00

Dangerdoom, "The Mouse and the Mask"

I'm not sure why MF Doom's collaborative albums get so much more media attention than his solo efforts. Certainly this record, a collaboration with upcoming superstar producer Dangermouse, is getting a lot more media attention (partially thanks to its connection with Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming block) than Doom's "MM...Food" from earlier this year, just like his collaboration with Madlib, 2003's "Madvillainy," got more attention than either of his Viktor Vaughn records, which bookended it. Hell, Doom's rumored collaboration with Ghostface seemes to be getting more attention than anything that's been put out.

Collaboration or no, MF Doom is always entertaining ("The super flow with more jokes than Bazooka Joe") and always has terrific wordplay to spit at his fans. This record is no exception, and with guest stars Cee-Lo and Talib Kweli (who raps about cereal!) joining in, the rhymes are more than excellent. This isn't Doom's best work, but he could pretty much rap names out of the phone book and it would sound better than most MCs out there.

Dangermouse holds his end of the bargain up as well, proving that he can create beats with the best of them. With this and the Gorillaz album (which was pretty different from this style-wise), under his belt, he's about as hot as producers come.

Standout tracks include El Chupa Nibre (and not just because the title is a Futurama reference), The Mask (featuring Ghostface, and a standout in large part because of him), A.T.H.F., Crosshairs (the best track on the record production-wise; I could listen to it without the rhymes at all), and Bada Bing.

My biggest complaint about the record is its overt connection to Adult Swim. I like those shows as much as anybody, but the straight-out references to a cable network's shows make the album seem more like a gimmick or an ad than something real. In someone else's hands, this could have been considered the most horrible commercial dreck there is. Time Warner better be glad that MF Doom and Dangermouse were the minds behind this -- they may be the only people on the planet who could make it seem authentic. B+.

Franz Ferdinand, "You Could Have It So Much Better"

I soured a little bit on Franz Ferdinand's first album after a while. Not because it was bad, really, but more because the songs themselves are really only worth a few listens. They're almost too catchy. So much so that they sort of run out of steam at some point after they've played over enough times in your head.

This record's no different. In fact, it's almost entirely the same. Again, that's not a bad thing. Catchy, poppy rock songs are always good. Particularly good are the songs The Fallen with its "What's wrong with a little destruction?" chorus, What You Meant with its jazzy swagger, the Clash-like and echo-drenched Evil and a Heathen, and the energetic title track.

The record's most ambitious song, Eleanor Put Your Boots On, which is also its best, almost reminds one of Sgt. Pepper's-era Beatles. In a good way. If they had been brave enough to make songs like this for the whole album, I would maybe be hailing this as the record of the year. As it stands, it's a nice little record with one outstanding song and a bunch of pretty decent, catchy little pop tunes I'll probably have forgotten by the time their next one comes out.

They set me up for this, but we just...we could have it so much better, yeah? C+.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah"

I keep reading comparisons between this New York band -- who apparently put out this album without being signed by a label -- and the Talking Heads, and honestly, the more I listen to the record, the less I see the similarity.

Yeah, the lead singer sounds a little bit like David Byrne. But that's pretty much where the similarities end (except, you know, being a rock band). And the guy doesn't even sound that much like Byrne. He certainly has an entirely different twang and intonation in his voice -- and something completely different to say.

I'm not usually big on the deep meanings of stuff like this -- I just listen to it and decide if I like it or not -- but with this record, it's pretty much stares you right in the face. This is an album about being different, and about losing what it was that made you fit in, and the illusions people use to make themselves feel better. The first song sets it all up, this is a circus, where people are freaks and the solutions to their problems ("Clap your hands!") are meaningless shows with no real feeling behind it. You don't have to be happy, as long as you look like you're having a good time.

It takes a few listens to really accept the album for what it is, and it sounds a little foreign to the ear at first, but the best music is like that (read: The Arcade Fire). Suck it up and listen a few times. It's worth it. There are a few songs that kind of shoot out at you right up front, though: The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth has a beautifully catchy chorus that I hum to myself more than I'd care to mention, Is This Love? is an uptempo song that has some pretty horribly sad lyrics (I contend that every song of that sort is always good; read: Train in Vain), Heavy Metal is...well...at least it's hard rock (with harmonica!), and Gimme Some Salt is a bass-heavy thumper.

I really have no idea how this band without a label became as big as this -- I suppose they owe a lot to their mostly favorable, even fawning reviews -- but seriously, they deserve it.

That said, this isn't a perfect record. In particular, the instrumental interlude Blue Turning Gray kind of kills the album's pacing. But that just means the band has some room to grow.

Still, this is the best album I've heard all year. A.

Threefer

2005-10-16T14:10:00.000-04:00

Dear MW
What if someone were hypothetically trapped in a low-level internship position with a trumped up title to conceal the fact that a pair of brain-damaged dachshunds could cover the workload of the entire “editorial intern” staff. What if you hypothetically spent 20+ hours a week trolling the web for amusing pictures of cats while at the aforementioned job just so that your brain wouldn’t try to seep out your ear while you were caught unawares. What if every day your one dark desire was to run around the office screaming, “I’m functionally illiterate—How you like dem apples!?!" While delivering office-style justice in the form of atomic wedgies. Hypothetically. Of course.

I’d appreciate your input.

______________________________________________

Believe me when I say I know your pain on this one. Essentially, I have three tips that could help you out with this, so get a pen and pad, or, I guess if you're really resourceful, you could just print this out for your records. Whatever you do, pay attention.

1. Do what I do, and try to look freaked out about everything. How often should you do this? All the time.

You need something posted on the web???? Ahhhhhh!
The copier's out of paper???!!! Well, I'm going out of my mind!
We're out of pretzels?!?!?!?! How will we survive!?!?!
This desk chair is slightly askew. Do you hear me!!?? THIS DESK CHAIR IS SLIGHLY ASKEW!!

At the very least, things will seem exciting.

2. While trolling for cats, also look on the web for amusing pictures of dogs, bunnies, and perhaps even birds. This could quadruple your productivity instantly.

3. Amuse yourself by telling all your friends about the wonderful hilarity of the MW Blog, now with 48% more uninformed advice!

I notice in your 'non-sports' column, you failed to mention golf, the
premier non-sport. Are you gay?

PS - If you are, don't try to come on to me. It's not that I don't like
gay people, I just don't want them coming on to me.

PPS - I MEAN IT MAN!!!

______________________________________________

Let's get this straight right away: Golf is not a non-sport. It's a near-sport. There's a big difference. Much like racquetball, its cousin croquet, polo, and even tennis, golf is in the category of activites that is almost a sport but isn't quite there. It's played outdoors, often in groups, and requires some level of physical exertion.

Recreational non-sports are not quite as close to real sports as these (though I will admit bowling is in sort of a gray area). To say that darts and golf are in the same category would almost make me presume that it is you, sir, who is gay.

Game, set and burn.

Also, what are you doing this Friday? I've got two REO Speedwagon tickets, and the other seat's just gonna sit there empty. Come on, you know you want to go.

Ha-ha!

Super MW,

I realize that between saving the world, getting the girl, and such that you are a very busy superhuman, but I hope you will have the time to answer one humble teacher's letter. I am writing to inquire as to your secret identity, weaknesses, and loved ones. This information is going to be used by my remedial science class for a small weather experiment next Wednesday. Please respond as soon as possible.

Lexopher Lemus
Professor of Chaos
University of Southern California

______________________________________________

Professor Lemus,

It's always a pleasure to help out the academic community in any way I can. Allow me to be entirely forthcoming with the information you requested, as I'm sure that you are in no way a supervillain hatching a devious plot to destroy everyone and everything that is close to me (with a name like "Lexopher" and a title like "Professor of Chaos," how can you be?).

SECRET IDENTITY: My out-of-costume identity is that of Boxtop B. Butterworth, a helpful hobo from the wrong side of the tracks. With my clown makeup and the hilarously small bindle which contains all of my worldly possessions, I dance to amuse children down by the docks until their mothers take it upon themselves to hit me with their purses for infecting their offspring with leprosy.

WEAKNESSES: My greatest weakness is chocolate, which is murder on my thighs.

LOVED ONES: My only true love is the sea. Unfortunately, my relationship with her has hit a rough patch, as the logistics of making love are still a mystery to the both of us.

______________________________________________

Having a tough time at work? Got a complaint you want smarmily corrected? Not at all a supervillain? Drop MW a line with an e-mail or post on the message board!

What should I be reading?

2005-10-13T22:40:00.000-04:00

Howdy folks.

So, I know this is a blog and all, though I consider it as such in name only. Here's the thing, though: I don't really read any other blogs. And I've been thinking, you know, maybe I ought to.

Of course, I only want to read good ones. I've attempted to use these blog exchange services that are about, and essentially what happens with all of them is that you end up seeing the same five or six generally crappy sites over and over again (which subsequently means that the same five or six people are seeing your blog over and over in "exchange). I've also been using the Firefox extension StumbleUpon (I'm on there as "wilyandy" if you want to add me as a friend), which, while good for finding Flash games, isn't much good for finding worthwhile reading material.

So, I'm asking you guys. What's worth reading? It can be a humor blog, comics-related, about video games, movies, music, or it can just be really interesting. Whatever it is, post a link to it in the comments. Feel free to post a link to your own blog or website, too.

Thanks.

Forum games galore!

2005-10-12T21:51:00.000-04:00

There are some really fun games being played right now on the MW Message Board. Go register and check them out!

Rapid-Fire Opinions
Write your opinion about something in a format just like the opinion pieces on the site. Just give your two cents about whatever topic the last poster submitted and then post a new topic of your own.

The Bands and Gum Game: Forum Edition
Think you know which 1980s hair bands go with which gums better than anybody else? We'll just see about that.

Azumanga Daioh Comics
If it's your dream to make your own Photoshopped comics with manga about schoolgirls, you're in luck. So much luck.

Photoshops: New MWN shows
MWN only has three shows at the moment. What would you program it with? Photoshop an ad for a show you'd like to see on my entirely fictional (for now) cable network!

Fist Fight!
Who would you fight, given the chance? It's like that question they asked each other in Fight Club, except I'm a real person.

If you have a game idea of your own, post it in the Games section. You can also post links to online flash games and such in the Web Stuff section!

Abbott and Depresso Guest Comic!

2005-10-10T20:33:00.000-04:00

Thanks to font-maker extraordinaire Vic Fieger for making this excellent guest Abbott and Depresso comic!

Read the whole thing here!

Be sure to check out Vic's own comic, Dubmarine, at his website!

Bullets

2005-10-09T17:51:00.000-04:00

HANDGUN BULLETS

I'm gonna start off here by saying that I really only know about bullets of any kind by their usefulness in video games and movies. So, any information I give about them is going to be more than likely wrong or terribly skewed. That being said, handgun bullets are pretty weak. I mean, first of all they sound really wimpy ("PAP! PAP!") and it takes, like, an entire clip for me to kill a zombie with one. I'd rather have a wooden plank, even. At least then I'd get the neat "standing over the enemy I just bashed with a wooden plank" feeling. Minus 4 bullets.

SHOTGUN SHELLS

Okay, so shotgun shells aren't technically "bullets," as it were, but they're projectiles that shoot out of a firearm, so I'm gonna include 'em anyway. Ha-HA! Regardless, shotgun shells have everything handgun bullets don't. First off, they make an awesome sound of just outright explosion, and not only can I kill a zombie in one shot with one, I can blow his head clean off. If I'm not up close, I can hit about three zombies with the spray as well. In addition, when a shotgun shell is fired, and you have to use the pump action or pull the lever, you get that really neat shell-flying-out-of-the-barrel effect that I looks just so cool. Plus 7 bullets.

RIFLE SHELLS

I've never been entirely sure why these are called "shells" since they are definitely bullets. They don't burst open or have shot inside. Considering that, rifle shells are still pretty neat. For one thing, they're really pointy and cool-looking. Most importantly, though, getting through Silent Hill just wouldn't be the same without a hunting rifle--there's just something about banishing a demon to hell using projectile metal that I love more than most people I know. Plus 5 bullets.

MUSKET BALLS

Although I will say that the loading of a musket, in which one has to pour in the gun powder, then a wadding of cloth or paper, and then a musket ball, followed by having to pack it all in with a rod, makes for some great gags (I'm thinking of the one where Mr. Burns has the gun, fires at a guy's feet, says "Dance!," has to reload for a minute, and repeats), frankly, musket balls just aren't that great. Yeah, they're historical, but they're also not useful. Think about it: if you were challenged to a duel and you had to choose between a musket and a .45 with hollow points and a laser site, which would you choose? Minus 6 bullets.

MACHINE GUN BULLETS

The outright coolest things about machine gun bullets (and I mean for a real machine gun, not some sub-automatic silliness) is that 1) they come in these long chains or belts of bullets that just load in as you fire and 2) those chains or belts can be worn (i.e. across the chest) in extremely cool ways. Just throw on some fatigues with one of those and suddenly you're Dillon from Predator. And anything that makes one more Carl Weathers-like is beyond great. Plus 5 bullets.

CANNONBALLS

Cannonballs have lost their glory over the years. I mean, once they were the scourge of any seafarer or fortress-dweller alive. But now, they've been relegated to being replaced by celebrities on Circus of the Stars and being fired into fat men's stomachs. Not to mention that the diving board maneuver known as the "cannonball" just gives one the impression that their entire purpose is nothing more than to kick up a lot of water and make your older brother Steve embarrassingly wet while he's trying to put the moves on the hot female lifeguard. Minus 3 bullets.

And the various types of bullet end up with a whoppin' four bullets. I pray to God that they're really shotgun shells, though.

Some Haikus I Wrote

2005-10-08T16:27:00.000-04:00

>

Dew collects on grass
In the distance, a dog barks
Man, am I horny

Lyrical, concise
Poem of love and nature
Really, really queer

Set syllable use
Five, then seven, then five more
Ugh, I hate counting

I just don't get it
These poems come from the land
of video games

Mario Brother
Jump down on that goomba's head
Now, that's poetry

I'm wasting my time
with haikus doing nothing
to get my rocks off

But girls dig these
They love this poem stuff, right?
Who should I impress?

Scarlett Johannson
Hey, could she be reading this?
This next one's for her

My manly penis
Sleek, clean, aerodynamic
and 12 inches long

Impressed yet, Scarlett?
Why do you have that golf club?
My manly penis!

Immense is the pain
Man, that didn't work at all
Stupid Japanese

Serenity (Movie)

2005-10-07T22:28:00.000-04:00

Let me get this out of the way straight out: I've never been a big Joss Whedon fan.

Not that I knowingly and actively dislike his work or anything, it's just that I've mostly ignored it over the years. I never gave "Buffy" much of a chance, because, frankly it had about three things that weren't going for it right off the bat. 1) It was called "Buffy." 2) It had Sarah Michelle Gellar, who just annoys the crap out of me (and, by my estimation, is more weird-looking than hot -- it's the nose, I think). 3) It was about vampires, and I try to do everything in my power to avoid just about anything in that arena.

So, I never watched it. To this day, I still haven't watched one all the way through. Same story with "Angel."

I'm not sure why I never watched the original "Firefly" series. I guess it was just promoted badly -- I seem to remember the Fox promos making it look a lot like some kind of "Wing Commander" rip-off. Not to mention they didn't show the episodes in order. I'm pretty sure I watched the first one they aired, had no idea what was going on, and never tuned in again.

Basically, I didn't find out that anything on TV Whedon did was actually worth watching until it was all canceled. I started hearing from people that "Buffy" was actually entertaining (a claim I've yet to confirm, obviously) after it went off. My friends tried to show me the Firefly DVD long after I had forgotten it existed (I've seen maybe two episodes). "Angel"... I'm still not even really sure what that is.

Basically, the only thing the guy's done that I'm familiar with is his work on Astonishing X-Men, which I'll admit is probably as good an X-Men book as can be made at this point. Nonetheless, I still inexplicably confuse him with Judd Apatow (the "Freaks and Geeks"/"40-Year-Old Virgin" writer/director) sometimes.

I bring all this up to point out how amazing it is that I actually really, really enjoyed Whedon's movie based on "Firefly," "Serenity." I am not a Whedon fanboy, and I have a passing familiarity with the show and its characters, at best (and not even really that -- I had forgotten pretty much all of the show I had seen prior to seeing the movie). And still, I really liked this movie.

A lot of complaints have been made saying that one has to be a fan of the show to enjoy "Serenity." I contest those claims. I followed it just fine, thanks. Everything was pretty clear. It seemed less to me like the third part of a trilogy than a very complex plot pared down into 2 hours. Whedon pulls it off, though. Granted, I'm sure that, had I watched the show, I would have noticed more fan-service types of things, but as it was, everything made sense.

And make sense was pretty much all it did. "Serenity" (which I always have an inclination to follow with the word "now") doesn't plumb for a whole lot of depth or poignancy, but then again, it doesn't have to. This is a movie that knows exactly what it is: a fun, actiony sci-fi flick with some snappy dialogue. It doesn't try to be epic or grand (like some sci-fi movies of recent years which will remain unnamed), but, frankly, that's a good thing, because it never slips into soap-opera style melodrama.

No, it's not "2001: A Space Odyssey." So what? Not every movie needs to be. You'll have fun when you see it. The characters are interesting, the action is exciting, the dialogue is clever and often very funny. The plot's nothing to write home about, but it'll hold your attention.

Sometimes, that's all you need. A-.

Subject: TV Station

2005-10-04T20:45:00.000-04:00

hey mw
i was wondering what you would do if you had your own television station??? would you make your own shows? would you have any shows about triangles??
singed
vuc

______________________________________________

Vuc,

It's interesting that you mention that, because I've been involved in some secret talks about starting up an MW cable channel in the very near future. I'm really not supposed to be telling anybody about this, but since you asked, MWN: The MW Network, is hopefully going to be up-and-running by early 2048 (we're just in the pre-planning stages for right now).

So what can you expect from a 24-hour MW channel? Well, I hope you like shows, because MWN's going to have them. Several of them. Almost enough to fill every hour of every day. And they're not just going to be about triangles. Oh no. They're going to be about paralellograms and rhombuses! Trapezoids, even!

But those shows, all of which feature various three-and-four-sided geometric shapes trying to convince a landlord that they're gay so they can live with two hot roommates, are still in development. In the meantime, check out these shows that we've gone so far as to make still-image ads for.

______________________________________________

Got a show idea for MWN? Have an question that will allow me to make more crap like this up? Send me an e-mail or head over to the message board!

Mailbag, comments and link exchange.

2005-10-02T15:20:00.000-04:00

Hello all.

As I'm sure you're aware, I like to run a pretty tight ship around here and have a pretty set schedule for my updates. I like to have one post of every category up on the main page pretty much all the time. At the moment, that presents a little bit of a problem for me. As you can see, my next post needs to be a mailbag piece. Trouble is, I don't really have any mail to use for it. For the past four or five mailbags, I've been using spam, but I'm a little tired of that. So, I'm asking you kind folks to help me out. If you've got a ridiculous question, a suggestion or even some gripes, send 'em my way via e-mail or in the message board mailbag section.

If you try to leave a comment, you'll notice that I've enabled a feature where you have to type in a few letters to verify that you're not a bot/spammer. Sorry I had to do that, but basically, I was getting at least one spam comment per post. It was getting pretty ridiculous. When even I get tired of making fun of something, you know it's gotten pretty bad.

One more thing. I've been trying to think of new ways to get more traffic, and if you have a blog or a website I'm sure you are too. So, I've been thinking about starting up a link exchange with people who are reading. If you have a blog or site and think I might like to link it over in the sidebar, leave me a comment. And if you like this site, you might consider linking it, too. Let me know.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Home Game

2005-10-01T23:10:00.000-04:00

How many times have you watched the HBO pain-comedy "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and thought to yourself, Hey, I wish I could do that? I know I have!

And that's why GameCo has brought you the brand new board game sensation, "Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Home Game!"

Just head out to your nearest game retailer and pick up CYE:THG for hours of enjoyment and social awkwardness! It's fun and easy! And while you're at it, try to insult the clerk somehow in some really petty way! Then have them blow things way out of proportion and refuse to sell it to you! Make your wife/girlfriend or boyfriend/friends really mad at you in the process!

We're having a great time already!

If, somehow, you actually get home with the game, make sure that you have wild, frantic misunderstandings about the rules. Hopefully, you won't even get around to playing. But if you do, the game is fairly simple. Players simply roll dice and move around the board. If a player lands on the right space, he or she will have to draw either a Curb Card or a Enthusiasm Event card from a deck. You have to do what they say! Otherwise, someone will get really offended and break all the pieces! It's just common courtesy!

Here are a few example cards:

When you infuriate the other players by saying something really insensitive and making them yell that they never want to play this horrible game again, you win!

Even More Movie Re-cuts

2005-09-28T00:22:00.000-04:00

Recreational Non-Sports

2005-09-25T13:51:00.000-04:00

PING PONG

Let's get one thing straight before we do anything else: it is not table tennis. There's no such thing. If it was table tennis, then you would have to stand on the table. I've taken a couple of stabs at actual "table tennis" before, and let's just say that the owners of said tables seemed to think I was doing something wrong. So, obviously, I was forced to smash a paddle over their heads and steal their cars. I, mean, I was planning to do that anyway, but I really wanted to avoid the upfront conflict. Anyway, I guess I'd better say something about ping pong. Of all recreational non-sports, this is probably the one I'm best at. Unfortunately, it isn't one that people usually play for money. Instead, it's played simply for the privilege of getting to keep playing. But shouldn't the people who aren't as good be the ones who get to play more? And shouldn't I get to hustle those people for all the cash they have? These are serious issues. Minus 3 bullets.

BILLIARDS

The opposite of ping pong in terms of existing for wagering purposes, pool is a hustler's game. (Additionally, unlike ping pong, both names for the game, pool and billiards, are acceptable for use.) I enjoy playing pool just for recreational purposes, but what I really love is the stereotypical, TV-and-movie conception of what the game is. According to just about everything I've ever seen (including that one Fresh Prince episode where Uncle Phil turns out to be a shark), billiards is a game that only takes place in smoky pool halls and that is only played by naive kids or fat, ungainly men who wear suspenders and love cigars. I aspire to be that fat man in suspenders one day. Yeah, I know like, fifty percent of the time, the "naive" kid turns out to be a hustler. But still. Plus 5 bullets.

BADMINTON

There are so many things wrong with badminton, I'm not even really sure where to start. I guess we'll start with the name. Badminton. We're set up with a problem right off the bat. The first syllable is "bad." Not a good sign. Then the rest of the word is "minton," which is so hard to say that it usually comes out "mitten." It ends up sounding like someone admonishing their cat. "Bad Mitten! Bad!" The rest of the lingo that goes along with the game isn't so great either. Birdie. Shuttlecock. Codwhistle. Okay, I made up that last one, but "shuttlecock" is worth two. Going a step beyond the language of the game, let's examine the equipment. There's a net that's too tall for tennis but too short for volleyball, a plastic "ball" and some flimsy rackets made out of spare wire. With such crappy equipment, why do rich people with names like Buffy and Biff play this idiotic game so much? Because they know no one else will. Minus 7 bullets.

BOWLING

The closest of the recreational non-sports to an actual sport, bowling has something of a varied reputation. If television is to be believed, which it often is, bowling is the official sport of the working-class schlub, especially if the schlub is animated like Fred Flinstone or Homer Simpson. If only that were the case. In recent years, it seems as though bowling has turned into the standard game of children's birthday parties and of upper-class irony. Just imagine a middle-aged woman drinking a glass of champagne, lightly dropping a pink ball onto the lane, saying to her monacled husband, "Oh look, Roderick! I'm bowling!" Can you tell I'm bitter about the richies and children taking over things I like? Nonetheless, a few bastions of old-style working class bowling remain. We must protect them. Plus 8 bullets.

DARTS

The old saying about darts is that people are usually better at it after a few drinks. Specifically, there's a certain range of drinks (2-5, I think) in which one is good at darts. In any other state, a person is middling to awful. I'd totally believe that if it weren't for the fact that I've actually seen professional darts on TV. Yeah, I didn't know there were professionals either. Anyway, it brings up a serious question: do the pros have to drink 2-5 drinks before they play? Because if they do, then they have what is possibly the most enviable job on the entirety of earth. You have some drinks and throw sharp things at a target. If they don't get to drink, then not only have my hopes been dashed, nearly everything I believe has been destroyed. How could you do this to me, professional darts players? How? 0 bullets.

HORSESHOES

Here's a question: who just has horseshoes lying around other than, you know, horse trainers? I know at one time just about everyone had horses, but we've kind of gotten past that in the last century or so. As a result, I propose a new game: tires. Instead of the shoes of our old mode of transportation, why not throw car tires at a stake in our yards? It makes more sense, if you ask me. Well, except for the whole tires being ungainly large and it being pretty impossible to miss if you throw it anywhere within the vicinity of the stake. Maybe hubcaps would be better. Shooting at hubcaps. That would be cool. Minus 6 bullets.

During the course of my writing this, I had to determine whether card games should be included within recreational non-sports. This is what my life has become.

Etiquette Tips for Game Show Contestants

2005-09-23T19:10:00.000-04:00

THE PRICE IS RIGHT
- When called to "come on down," please do so in a timely fashion, keeping arm flailing and screaming to a minimum. It is advised that female contestants wear a brassiere or otherwise supportive top for this portion of the program, as small children and people with heart conditions are the chief audience of "The Price Is Right".
- Item bidding is a highly competitive process. For the sake of decorum, please do not screw with your fellow contestant and bid a dollar higher than he does every time, pointing your finger in his face and saying, "Suck it, loser!"
- Once you are up on stage, you may hug Bob Barker, but not too tightly, as he has been known to mess a dude or two up. Show producers suggest that particularly attractive female contestants kiss Mr. Barker, and perhaps see him in his trailer after the show if he suggests.
- Look excited, no matter what. When you're shown a prize that is neither a car nor cash, perhaps an ottoman or some kind of popcorn maker, at least pretend that you want it. It is entirely acceptable that you sell said prize at a yard sale, no less than six months later.
- Please ensure that all pets are both spayed and neutered.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

- It is recommended that contestants make absolutely sure before making an attempt to solve the puzzle. A puzzle in the category "playwright" that reads "W-LL-AM SHA-ESPEA-E" may hold more possibilities than one would initially guess.
- Please spin the wheel in a clockwise direction. Like most wheels, that's the only way it goes.
- When purchasing a vowel, be sure to thank your clerk and tip the carryout boy as he escorts you to your car.
- It is indeed hilarious when your fellow contestant goes bankrupt or loses a turn, but please, keep laughter and pointing to a minimum.
- Please do not remind Pat Sajak of his profession as host of "Wheel of Fortune." He hates that.

TO TELL THE TRUTH
- "To Tell the Truth" is no longer on the air. Please do not attempt to appear on the show.

FAMILY FEUD
- Please do not try to be cute and guess "my wife" for the survey question, "Name something loud and obnoxious." Everybody does that, and it's not really that funny.
- As difficult as it may be, make an attempt to laugh at Richard Karn's jokes. Otherwise, he cries. Sometimes on air.
- The last "famous Bob" up there is Bob Dylan. Holy crap, how do you not know that?!?
- When introducing the rest of your family, try not to refer to all your female relatives as "beautiful." I mean, we can pretty clearly see that they aren't.
- It is strongly advised that families appearing on the show do not actually feud, as it has already been necessary to rebuild the set several times.

JEOPARDY!
- Don't win like, 200 times in a row or something like that one guy did. God, I hate him. You know he's appearing in commercials now? Seriously, what a prick!
- It is often more important for you to pose your response in the form of a question than that your response be correct. If you respond, "Could someone please pass the rolls?" for instance, you'll still lose $400, but you'll likely receive a lovely croissant.
- The more accent you add to your responses, the better. This even goes for responses that aren't even foreign words. For instance, instead of saying, "What is Coca-Cola?" try saying "What is "Co-cahhh Khollya?"
- During Final Jeopardy, try to look as deep in thought as possible, even though it's more than obvious you don't know who the only U.S. President to serve as Supreme Court Chief Justice was. We don't blame you, but we do enjoy the charade.
- As much as you may want to kick Alex Trebek in the balls, please wait until after the show to do so.

Kanye West, Late Registration (Music)

2005-09-19T21:49:00.000-04:00

I liked Kanye West's first record, despite its completely laughable lyrics in spots (I think "Like Kathie Lee needed Regis/That's the way I need Jesus" will be my example for a horrible rhyme until the day I die). And though he hasn't grown terribly much as a lyricist (I do enjoy the "Merrill Lynched" line from "Crack Music," however), I like his second one too. I do have one question about it though.

What's with all the OutKast references?

I'm not kidding, they're all over the record, and I'm shocked that no one else has pointed this out. Let me try to count off the ten I've found (and I'm sure there are more).

1. The most obvious one, of course, is in the song "Diamonds From Sierra Leone" in which he hawks the 'forever-ever' repetition from "Ms. Jackson."
2. There's a song called "Roses."
3. "Roses" sounds like it came straight off of ATLiens -- there's even a Cee-Lo soundalike (or is that actually Cee-Lo? I think it might be.)
4. "Touch the Sky" features Kanye repeating "sky high," basically the chorus from the Goodie Mob/Outkast song "Black Ice."
5. The skits feature a fraternity called Broke Phi Broke. On the album Stankonia, each skit was signified at the beginning and end by the word, "Break!"
6. The opening skit features speech while a piano fades in. That's exactly how ATLiens starts (it's the album he seems to be most in love with).
7. The song "Drive Slow" has an ATLiens-style choir.
8. "Drive Slow" is all about taking your time while going to meet a girl. That's what the Youngbloodz song "85 (South)," which guest stars Big Boi, is all about.
9. "Bring Me Down" is the requisite church-style, serious song with piano and choir. There's one on every Outkast record.
10. Doesn't it sound like Andre 3000 doing the "ah-ha-ha-ha" on "Late?"

Okay, some of those are stretches, I admit. But still, there's a definite OutKast influence here.

Not that that's a problem. I actually like it. Frankly, it's the strength that makes this record better than his last one. Being more like OutKast honestly makes everything better. I recommend it for everyone.

The songs are a little hit-and-miss, but the good ones more than make up for the missteps. "Gone" is the standout song of the record, mainly thanks to a killer Otis Redding sample (Otis Redding also makes everything better). "Gold Digger" is the club hit you want to hear over and over again, and it's about a hundred times better than the other single "Diamonds From Sierra Leone," which kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.

Speaking of "Gold Digger," I think Jamie Foxx is making a career out of impersonating Ray Charles, but if I'm learning anything from this record, imitation is not necessarily a bad thing.

"Touch the Sky" wins the make-you-feel-good award, again thanks to some killer production, and "Crack Music" succeeds even in the face of some pretty ludicrous assertions. "Addiction" is a production success, even though rhyming "man" with "man" is about as cheap as you can get. Seriously.

I appreciate that Nas appears on "We Major," but the song doesn't live up to its potential (a lot like Nas, actually). "Heard 'em Say" is an interesting experiment, but Kanye could have found just about anybody better than the Maroon 5 guy. "Drive Slow" is a beautiful approximation of a Dirty South song, but it basically just makes me want to listen to "85." "Hey Mama" and "Celebration" are nice, but that's about it. They also make me think of other songs with the same title.

If anything, Kanye seems to be overreaching a little on this record. Why not just make 10 or 12 really excellent tracks instead of 20 of varying quality (including skits)? I know that Kanye's got a reputation for being full of himself, but when's he going to make a record as dense as his ego? B.

Subject: doubleton (Spam)

2005-09-16T16:48:00.000-04:00

Friend :

Important informatiovn regarding your home.

You have been approvwed for refiniance of your home
in saving you thousanjds per year.

Details:
Payment Frequenccy: Weekly, Bi-weekly, or Monthly
Lendinxg Amount: up to $ 640,000
Closing Date: 30 days
Credfit History: Not Applicablle

Please follow this link to activate your confirmatieon:
(NOOOOO! DON'T FOLLOW THE LINK! DOWN WITH CONFIRMATIEON! -MW)

Thank you

Tabitha E. Darby
Home Financxe

Holy Moses, this looks important! Informatiovn?? Thousanjds??? Lendinxg???? Refiniance????? Somebody call my home, fast! He needs to see this!

I think my favorite thing about this e-mail is that either 1) they don't know what they're talking about or 2) they know so much about what they're talking about that they don't even need to try to explain it to me. "Closing date: 30 days?" What does that mean? Whatever it is, man that's not much time! I better get on top of things!

The creative misspellings are pretty great too. A lot of them involve adding X to words, and as we all know, that just makes everything badass cool. This ain't just finance, fool! It's FinancXe! Actually, after some thought, I think I'd prefer it to be "Fine-axe." Imagine walking into your local H&R Block to be approached by a guy with a huge piece of cutlery, maybe in a hockey mask, all like, "We're your fine-axe specialists!" That would be sweet.

You know what? Forget about the X. They should be your "fine ass" specialists. Or maybe I should be.

I also really enjoy the word "credfit." It's infinitely better than regular old credit. I would imagine that credfit might be what you would give someone who used to be in shape, but has kind of let themselves go. For instance, if your girlfriend puts on a few pounds, but you know she'll make the effort to work them off because she's done so in the past and is usually in pretty good shape, you can say she's got good credfit.

And for anyone who wants to use that term, you just remember who coined it and be sure to give credit where it's due. Credfit, too.

Got a mailbag question for MW? Have a term that he can steal, warp and then claim as his own? Have some urgent news that he needs to make sure is relayed to a building or other structure? Send me an e-mail or get over to the message board!

Busy busy.

2005-09-15T23:32:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone.

If you've noticed my posts being a little more sporadic, it's because I've been overloaded with work over the past couple of weeks. Not to worry, though, I'm sure to stop caring about the stuff I have to do pretty soon and get back to writing mildly amusing stuff a small number of people read.

Hooray!

In other news, I've made something of an interesting discovery. A portion of my hits lately have come from Italians doing image searches. Apparently "depresso" is an actual word in their pasta-based language (I assume for something similar to depression), and an image search for that word yields one of my and SB's Abbott and Depresso comics. The Penny Arcade-related one, in fact.

I'm not sure why I find that interesting or funny, but I am somewhat amused by the idea of depressed Italians trying to figure the comic out.

"What is-a this?" they'll ask, slurping down a mouthful of spaghetti while simultaneously sobbing into their moustaches. "These two, they-a talkin' about-a somethin', and then they-a clothes change for-a no reason! That-a make-a me sad."

The Bands and Gum Game

2005-09-14T18:15:00.000-04:00

This is a fun and easy game to play.

However, there are a few necessary conditions. 1) This has to be played with a group of people, and 2) it requires at least some knowledge of '80s metal/hair bands and brands of chewing gum.

Here's how to play:

Make one person in the group the "authority." It is his/her job to decide whether the suggested combinations are correct. The authority cannot make suggestions, only determine whether the suggestions of the other players are good or bad.

Of the remaining players, someone thinks of the name of a band. Once that band's name is on the table, everyone in the group makes an association between that band and a brand of chewing gum. For example:

White Snake > Trident

The association is then submitted to the authority, and if the one suggested is a good one, the process starts over again. If not, then another brand of gum must be selected.

One can play in the reverse as well, first suggesting a brand of gum and then determining the proper band to go with it, i.e.:

Orbit > Winger

Once the pattern has been established and the game has become familiar, one can begin to use bands other than '80s metal bands:

The Rolling Stones > Old, crusty baseball card gum

Or candies other than gum:

Life Savers > Slayer

However, it is advised that one make use of gums and metal bands as much as possible.

NOTE: If you wish to play this game alone or play without an authority you may email me and I will act as the authority for your game.

Now, let me get you started.

Scorpions. Go.

Re-Imagined Comic Covers

2005-09-11T22:07:00.000-04:00

Forms of Comedy

2005-09-04T20:17:00.000-04:00

STAND-UP

There's nothing wrong with stand-up comedy as a venue, per se. I mean, there are a select few stand-up comics who are brilliantly funny. Your Steve Martins, Lewis Blacks, Louis C.K.s, et al. Trouble is, the other 95 to 99 percent of the rest are horrible. Awful. It's just that it's so disgustingly derivative. It's one thing to discuss the absurdities of everyday life or funny concepts, but once you lapse into 1) how men and women are different, 2) how the races are different, 3) stories about your craaaazy family or 4) your sex/relationship life, you've headed into old and tired territory. And that's most of stand-up comedy. Minus 5 bullets.

SKETCH COMEDY

Sketches are perhaps the best way to get across high-concept ideas that you don't necessarily want to flesh out into a real story. It's unfortunate that just about all of the TV sketch comedy right now is on the cusp of vomit-inducing -- sketches aren't supposed to be 20 minutes long, people -- because sketch comedy probably has the most potential of any other comedy form. A lot of the most cutting-edge stuff from the past 40 years has been sketch comedy from Monty Python to Kids in the Hall to Mr. Show. Hopefully somebody will figure out a way to revive it soon. Plus 6 bullets.

SITCOMS

(CHARACTER 1 enters, audience applauds)

CHARACTER 1: Hey buddy, what's up?
CHARACTER 2: Not much.

(audience laughs hysterically)

CHARACTER 1: Did you hear? Mrs. Loveworth's daughter is getting married!
CHARACTER 2: We have to stop the wedding! But how?
CHARACTER 1: We'll dress as bridesmaids, even though we're actually men!

(audience laughs hysterically yet again)

ANNOUNCER: "Completely Overcomplicated Plans for Problems that Could Be Solved Pretty Easily" will return in a moment!

Minus 4 bullets.

HUMOROUS ESSAYS

I'm probably a little biased on this one, but for my money, there's no purer form of comedy than the humorous essay. They're a little more difficult to deal with, in that you have to establish a voice through what you write rather than what you say, but it's ultimately more satisfying too -- different readers can appreciate a piece in different ways. But, best of all, if an essay really sucks, you can just stop reading it. It's kind of rude to walk out on a stand-up comic or change the channel away from a sketch show if you're watching it with someone else, but with an essay, the second you see it's not going to be funny, you can just move right on. It's beautiful. Plus 7 bullets.

CARTOONS/COMIC STRIPS

The cartoons in The New Yorker and a lot of web strips can be pretty good, but the main example of this format that I really love is Gilded Age-era, American-style political cartoons. As soon as you see a cartoon with a giant man labled "Boss Tweed" kicking a little guy called "Justice" in the butt, you can't dispute the potential of these things. Plus 2 bullets.

COMEDY OF MANNERS

B: Oh dearest, Lord Foppsworth! I do believe I have misplaced my quill pen!
F: Baron Bumblthorpe, I'm afraid I've played the most hilarious of practical jokes! It's been here in my jacket pocket the whole time!
B: Oh my, how terribly droll and clever of you!
F: I do say so! (muttered laughter)
B: I say, Foppsworth, I've also misplaced my handkerchief! How might I laugh coyly into it?
F: Bumblethorpe, I've gotten you again! It was here in my cummerbund all along!
B: Oh my dearest me!

That's how people used to talk. Minus 1 bullet.

Which form of comedy was this opinions piece? None of the above, I think. It's actually pretty dubious that it was comedy at all.

A Film Critic Who Is Slowly Turning Into a Zombie Discusses This Summer's Blockbusters

2005-08-31T19:23:00.000-04:00

STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH
Certainly a more compelling film than its two predecessors, Lucas injected a darkness into Sith that at the very least gave it an atmosphere somewhat more similar to the beloved originals. The story is by no means great literature, characters have dubious motivations at best, and the dialogue is both badly written and badly delivered, but there are fun spots, mainly the action sequences. Still, the big, tragic reveal at the end of the film just doesn't have the bite that Lucas seems to have intended, largely due to some incredibly trite and heavy-handed scripting. In fact, there's no bite at all.

Indeed, no...no bite at all.

MR. & MRS. SMITH
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are undeniably delicious in their roles, and this actioner shows off the assets of both leads well. Some decent chemistry between the two of them, though I would maybe have preferred a little more fighting and action. It almost seems as though Liman, who directed the undeniably funny movie Swingers, was afraid to show very much blood, balking on violence if favor of cutesy relationship jokes. A style choice I would not have done when there was such great opportunity for both blood and flesh to be shown with less talking.

BATMAN BEGINS
Pink, living human Christian Bale does a good job playing rich guy Bruce Wayne, but his Batman voice sounds too raspy and Katie Holmes, while full of blood, isn't so good. Director Christopher Nolan makes a good Batman movie and saves franchise, though. It is a lot to fit into movie, but he pulls it off like arm from shoulder of living man. More than anything, Nolan makes Batman movie with brains. Human...brains. Good brains.

WAR OF THE WORLDS
Weird things shoot humans, destorying flesh. Bad movie. Needs more brains. Braaaaaains. End is stupid, but few humans with brains live, being good. Braaaaaaains.

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
No chocolate, braaaaaaaaains! Young braaaaaains!

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD
Hunnnh! Uhhnnh! No braaaaaaaains! Need braaaaaaaains. Hunnnhgh.

THE FORTY-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN
Hmmmmnh.

The Brothers Grimm (Movie)

2005-08-30T23:22:00.000-04:00

Terry Gilliam deserves better.

And, frankly, we deserve better from him.

Not to say that "The Brothers Grimm" is a bad movie, per se, but in light of just about all of Gilliam's other films, like "Brazil" and "Time Bandits," it just seems a little...let's say, hollow. It's a reasonably entertaining movie with middling special effects, decent performances and lots of beautiful visuals. But it just seems to be missing something. Let's call it the Gilliam Heart.

This is a movie about fairy tales, obviously. Some are handled creatively -- the gingerbread man is particularly frightening -- but for the most part it's just seems to be a screenwriter's way of cramming as many different stories into one script as possible. The Mirror Queen, for example, the villainess played by the way-too-hot-to-be-40-it-must-be-an-Italian-thing Monica Belucci is Rapunzel, the evil queen from Snow White, and I think Sleeping Beauty all in one. Frankly, if you want an interesting, mature story with fairy tale character, read Vertigo Comics' Fables. It's anywhere between 100 and 1000 times better story-wise.

The cast does their job. Heath Ledger is actually surprisingly good as the much-more-interesting Jacob Grimm -- his fidgety performance is very much like Brad Pitt's in 12 Monkeys, another Gilliam film. Matt Damon seems kind of confused by everything, playing it straighter as Will Grimm than one might think possible. The standard love interest is, well ... standard. Jonathan Pryce and Peter Stormare both chew scenery like it was made of gingerbread, but in a good way. Stormare in particular steals all his scenes as a buffoonish Italian torture master.

Visually, Gilliam is as good as ever -- the creepy woods are very cool and creepy, there's a real sense of poverty in the German forest that is the setting of the story, the French baron's castle is a playground of human misery and the contraptions the Grimms use look adequately ridiculous for a couple of flim-flam artists.

Is "The Brothers Grimm" worth seeing? You could probably wait to rent it. The story is rather basic and very linear with no real surprises, the acting is reasonably good, and it's pretty to look at. If you're looking for anything deeper than that, which we would hope for from Terry Gilliam, you should probably hold off. C.

Subject: Yo, ,I changed services (Spam)

2005-08-29T21:46:00.000-04:00

What do you need?

Have you been searching for that special someone with no luck?

We've come up with a brand new site just for you and others who
just can't seem to find what they're lookin for. This site is designed
for people who are searching for date, a lover, and even a long-term
partner. Its free to search and fill out a quick bio; it makes it easy
to find exactly what and who you're searching for without all the
hurdles
of everyday dating.

Give it a shot I know youll like it.
Have fun this evening

Just copy and pa ste the addr.ess below into your browser to visit us.
(OR DON'T. -MW)

plz no more
(PLZ YES MORE! -MW)

annihilate demark amphibian amalgam arabia clinch blanch.bronco blaine
depend christmas cerberus collage bake councilwomen acronym dane.amy
cochran adsorb accept declarative capillary chamber cz.bird cunard
agnostic detector cesare corey curfew.

Hmmm. What do I need? That's a pretty big question. I guess if you go by that whole pyramid of self-actualization, I need food, water and shelter first. Then probably acceptance, love, all that stuff. Self-esteem, life satisfaction, a spiritual grounding. So yeah, all that. Why do you ask?

Oh, no time for that, I guess. You have another question for me. But before I answer it, a question for you: Why would that special someone have no luck? I mean, everyone's searching for that special someone I suppose, buy why would you specifically look for someone with no luck? That seems like a pretty futile excercise, not to mention that you're severely limiting your pool of possible special someones there.

Another question: how can your brand new site be designed for people looking for a date, a lover or a long-time partner? That seems like a pretty confused user. The fact that you've designed your site toward such schizophrenia seems like a bad business move.

What happens if I don't give it a shot? What if I don't want to have fun this evening? You have no idea what I want! You have no clue what I'll like! You just...you don't know! How can you expect me to start a relationship with you if you don't even know me!?! I just...I can't do this!

I'm sorry, dating service guy. I'm just...it won't...

I'm sorry.

(Additional note unrelated to me rejecting this dating service's advances: Could someone finally explain to me what the point of all those strung-together words at the end of these spams is? Is there any actual purpose they serve? I mean, "corey?" Seriously.)

Do you have a proposal for MW to heart-wrenchingly reject? Or just an e-mail that I can acutally write a funny mailbag about, unlike this one? Send me an e-mail or head over to the message board.

There's no real news.

2005-08-24T14:49:00.000-04:00

Yeah, not a whole lot going on.

The internet grammar guide got linked on National Lampoon, so there's that. Pretty big spike in traffic for a few days, but it's leveling off again.

That's all, I think.

Six Things You Can Do To Utterly Confuse Strangers in Public

2005-08-22T22:40:00.000-04:00

I know this technically isn't a "game," but they're things you can do alone to pass the time, so I guess they fit as well under this heading as anything. And if you really want to keep score, you can.

A number of years ago, I realized that I didn't really get the purity of feeling that I used to from making others laugh. I soon came to the conclusion that the only reaction I really liked getting from other people was utter befuddlement. It's more for my own amusement than anyone else's, which is why these things are best done when you're not with someone else whom you may end up embarrassing.

Anyway, go do these and enjoy.

1. Go to a fast food restaurant and order something that isn't on the menu.
This works best if you actually go in the restaurant and it's not terribly crowded. Order the wrong thing at the drive-thru and you may just get something you don't want. Do this when there's a crowd and you'll surely get yelled at. Anyway, here's how it goes. Go up to the counter, looking intently at the menu. Rub your chin if you want -- just look like you're really working hard on making a decision from the menu. While still looking up there, order something that could plausibly be an item the restaurant sells. For instance, at McDonald's you could order a "McBarbecue Combo." Or just make it something generic like a "chicken and almond salad." If things work, the order taker will search on the keyboard of their register, desperately looking for what you just ordered. If you're really lucky, they'll call their manager over and then the manager will try to find it. If it gets to the point where you actually have to tell them it's not actually on their menu, you've accomplished something.

2. Wave at people.
I actually used to do this in high school as a hobby. (I was very lonely.) Essentially what you do is you go stand on a sidewalk out next to a fairly busy road where people pass by at a decent rate of speed and wave at every driver who passes by. Essentially there are three reactions to you doing this. The first is you're ignored. The second is the person waves back as a courtesy. And the third is the one you really want to see. That's when the driver actually thinks for a split second that you're someone they know. They excitedly raise their hand up to wave when they get a good look at you, realize they have no idea who you are and coyly put their hand back down, baffled as to why you would do this to them. It's beautiful.

3. Strike up a conversation.
This works kind of the same way as the waving thing. Essentially what you do is walk up to a total stranger and start talking to them. But not in a "Hi, my name is..." sort of way. Rather pretend you know them. Say, "Hi! How are you? How's Steve?" or something like that. Ask about someone with a really common name like "John" or "Jennifer." Worst case, the person will say, "I think you mistook me for someone else," which is pretty fun. Best case, the person will momentarily think about answering your question (if they know a person with that name, which they likely do) before they realize they've never seen you before.

4. Ask the sales guy a question. Repeat.
This works at just about anywhere that there are sales people that hound you -- car dealerships, electronics stores, clothing stores, etc. Essentially what you do is you turn the tables on them. Ask the sales guy/girl questions until they leave. Ask about every single detail of the product. Ask about their warranty. Then ask about it again. And again. And again. Ask about extra charges, how long you can expect it to last, where it was assembled, if you can call the factory. Ask them questions you know they can't answer. Then ask about their warranty again. It's basically a game of chicken -- try to last longer than they do.

5. Drive around, laughing hysterically.
I don't really think this requires all that much explanation. This works best on the interstate when you're driving right next to or behind someone, or when you're stopped at a stoplight. Laugh continuously and so ridiculously that it's obvious that you're not just amused by something on the radio. Point at the other drivers while you laugh if that helps. Anyway, just try your damndest to freak people out.

6. Walk into a bathroom and just...stand there.
Seriously there are very few things that just weird people out more than this. You're not actually using the bathroom, you're not washing your hands. You don't work there. Why are you there? Are you looking at me? Why is that guy looking at me? Why won't he leave? Ahhh!

You get the idea.

If you have any more ideas of what might make good ways to confuse strangers in public, leave a comment or let us know on the message board.

More Movie Re-cuts

2005-08-17T20:43:00.000-04:00

Mankind's Great Discoveries

2005-08-16T18:17:00.000-04:00

FIRE

I'm not sure that there's much to be said about the discovery of fire, other than the fact that it's good. Quite good, in fact. Cooked food, heated homes, it's all great. I mean, sure, you could argue that fires in homes and such are bad, but those really happen either due to nature or via some indirect cause (like an electrical short) most of the time anyway. Yeah, without the discovery of fire, there wouldn't be smoking, I guess, and smoking's bad for people. But then again, so many characters in movies would be diminished by not smoking, I think it's a fair trade-off. Also, the myth is that a guy named Prometheus brought fire to humanity, and boy, from what I hear, that guy's just a cool cat all around. Plus 7 bullets.

ELECTRICITY

I don't quite get the whole story behind the discovery of electricity. So, okay, Benjamin Franklin decides to go out and fly his kite during a thunderstorm. Either by accident or as some rally against rational thinking, he figures it's a good idea to tie his house key to the kite's string. Lightning strikes the thing and he suddenly discovers that the same stuff that just made his hair stand up can be used to power a desk lamp. Sorry, but I'm not sure if I really believe that whole thing. Not to mention the fact that this would have had to have been Mr. Franklin's greatest lapse in judgment barring that time he got himself stuck inside the Liberty Bell before Alexander Hamilton noticed his legs hanging out of the bottom and had to crack it with his amazing steel-like forehead to get him out. Okay, so I made that last part up. Minus 4 bullets.

THE HELIOCENTRIC SOLAR SYSTEM

Of all the possible outcomes of this particular little argument, I have to say that this one was probably the least dramatic and entertaining of the bunch. So, they figure out that earth isn't at the center of the universe. Great. I can just imagine people saying, "What other planet could be there? Upon whom can we heap load upon load of jealousy until we make them feel so guilty that we can take our spot back in the center? Oh, wait, it's the sun? Jeez, that guy's huge. He could probably stomp us into the ground. And he's a giant ball of gas. Crap, I guess he can have it." See, if it'd been Venus or something, we could've had some kind of awesome Earth/Venus knife fight for supremacy. To its credit though, this discovery brought about the notoriety of Copernicus, whose name is so cool that I've decided to title my new network pilot "Copernicus Jones: Robot Detective." 0 bullets.

ELECTROMAGNETIC WAVES

As cool as these are -- I mean, they're responsible for radio, TV, and you know, light -- there isn't really a neat story of how they were discovered. Frankly, I don't even know who's responsible for first discovering them, which is a little sad. I know Marconi had something to do with the first radio, but I don't even know if that applies. Surely someone had to discover them, right? And there has to be some kind of mythic thing about how the whole thing was an accident and the guy went running into the street in a euphoric state, or some story about how the church hated him for his horrific new findings. I mean, there's gotta be. Well, nonetheless, they're the reason I get to watch the Simpsons for an hour a night, so I don't guess I really care, as long as they continue existing. Plus 9 bullets.

VELCRO

So, in the twenty seconds or so of research I did for this, I couldn't find the actual story, but if my recollection is correct, velcro was actually just something a guy discovered/invented when he realized that little prickly pine cone like things stuck to his dog's fur. I always thought that it was a pretty cool story, although, judging by my lack of ability to remember it, I must not of thought it was that great. Nonetheless, I tend to think that guy was pretty lucky, because, frankly, it doesn't take too much intellect or research to realize, "Hey, those things stick to my dog's fur. I can do something with that." So, he should be pretty glad I'm mentioning him here, where I haven't even said a word about Tycho Brahe or Galileo. Well, until now. Anyway, velcro makes it so little kids didn't have to ask me to tie their shoes for them when I worked at a KB Toys. So, thank you, guy who looked at his dog. Plus 4 bullets.

DISPLACEMENT

As far as stories concerning the discovery of things goes, this one may be the most famous. You've heard it: Archimedes sits in his bathtub and realizes that when he gets in, or puts in something else, the water rises, and that you can determine the density (and thus volume and mass) of irregular objects by measuring the increase. He gets out of the tub and runs through the street yelling "Eureka!" at the top of his lungs. A neat story, to be sure. It's too bad that the cause of his nude running wasn't something more everyday, though. If it were fire or electricity, people would probably put even more effort into remembering both him and the story. But instead of electric power, we got a way of measuring the density of, say, a 1993 Mazda 626. Which is cool and all, but it won't make me a pizza. Then again, a story about him discovering electricity in the bathtub would probably have a whole different feel to it. Minus 2 bullets.

And so, mankind's discoveries end up with a total of 14 bullets. Pretty good, I guess. But considering that I docked electricity points as I wrote this on a laptop in a room with the TV on, I wouldn't put too much credit in it.

periods, the web and u: A Guide to Grammar in the Internet Age

2005-08-13T19:19:00.000-04:00

Hello there, internet user!

These days, it's hard to know what the English language even really is anymore, what with Grandpa and his kin yelling at you to "capitalize" the first words of your "sentences" and that "spelling" is "important." Why don't you shut up Grandpa, you old guy you!? You're just some old Grandpa! You don't know how we live! You can't know! My motorcycle is my life, man!

On the other hand, you've got people, mainly girls and their early teens and young men with no friends, the lifeblood of the internet, on all your favorite message boards speaking in some crazy hacker language or entirely with some kind of emoticon morse code (two winky guys, three blushers and two more winky guys is the new SOS, I think). What do you do? Where's the middle ground?

Well, don't worry, friend. Here are a few ground rules for the ultimate literacy. In the near future, we're thinking of calling it UltLit and marketing it as some sort of energy drink.

(NOTE: For the sake of educating Grandpa and his old Grandpa friends, this guide has been written in the old grammatical style. How do you like that, Grandpa!?!?!?!)

Section 1: Ellipses are the new periods...

Back in the old days, people used to use marks of ellipsis for only a few specific cases. They either signified an incomplete thought, a speaker trailing off or pausing, or maybe that something's been left out of a quote.

But not anymore!

No, now ellipses can be used for just about anything, and should always be used at the end of complete thoughts in any sort of internet discourse. Sentences that previously ended with periods now can and must end with ellipses. For example:

OLD STYLE: I'm going to the store to buy some ice cream.
NEW STYLE: going to the store to buy some ice cream...imho...

Notice some of the changes. We'll get to leaving out subjects (and other previously necessary words) later on. Also, notice the abbreviated "in my humble opinion" at the end. Now, everyone knows what you said is your opinion! This is an important and completely non-superfluous thing to add to both subjective and factual statements.

Why the ellipses? It's fairly obvious. Ostensibly, you're leaving your readers hanging, watiting for you to update them on what's going to happen next since it looks like you have something else to say.

You don't, though.

Section 2: captialization's not what it used to be.

At the beginnings of sentences? Don't need 'em. Proper nouns? Who cares? REALLY ANGRY?!?!?!? Now we're talking.

Talking about capital letters, in fact. I mean, let's face it. Does it really make any difference if you say you're "mark from boulder" or "Mark from Boulder?" Absolutely not. There are probably all kinds of dudes named Mark there anyway. And we all know that there are marks and bolders all over the place. And honestly, nobody really cares who you are anyway.

But what if somebody calls you "gay" or a "noob" or something? That's serious, man. Or worse yet, what if someone calls you out on a factual error in something you wrote? You've got to let them know you mean business. And that means ALL CAPS. Yeah, you've got bold and italic to show emphasis too, but dammit, you're angry. VERY ANGRY. Let's take a look at another example.

OLD STYLE: Actually, I'm pretty sure I was right. I just looked it up on IMDb and The Last Starfighter did come out in 1984.
NEW STYLE: YOUR SO DUMB!!!! LAST STARFIGTHER WAS 84!!!!! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!

See how much emphasis the caps add to what you say? The extra exclamation points add a lot too, so keep that in mind.

Also, it's very important to let the person you're addressing know that you are, in fact, Zod and that they indeed need to kneel before you. Most people don't know that.

Section 3: Words not matter.

Nouns, verbs, pronouns -- all that stuff. They don't really matter all that much. You can pretty much leave them out. Complete thoughts are on their way out, trust me on this one.

In addition, you can use lots of words interchangeably. The rule is basically that words that sound alike all mean the same thing. Here's a handy guide for you:

your = you're
its = it's
poll = pole
their = they're = there
sale = sail = sell

Some people will tell you that those words mean different things, but those people are stupid. Tell them so. They'll probably thank (or think) you for it.

SECTION 4: Abbrev. everything.

One way to avoid the admittedly hairy and time-consuming activities of spelling and typing is to just shorten every to every other word you type. It doesn't even matter if it's clear what the word is -- your fingers are what's really important, not someone else's understanding of the correspondence. I mean, look at the difference in the number of letters in the following examples:

OLD STYLE: That witticism caused me to laugh aloud with enjoyment!
NEW STYLE: lol

OLD STYLE: That awkward moment caused me to become uncomfortable.
NEW STYLE: oooh, awk. I'm uncomf.

OLD STYLE: Did you hear about what happened yesterday? The Supreme Court ruled that local governments can use eminent domain on any property for municipal use.
NEW STYLE: u hear? TSC ruled lgcuedoapfmu!!!

It's just so much simpler.

That's it for this portion of the guide. In following sections, we'll take a look at commas and why they need to be used both more and less, the optional punctuation called the question mark and why a huge block of text is better than using paragraphs.

Stay tuned...

Video games I Just Got Around to Playing

2005-08-11T21:31:00.000-04:00

All these games have been out for a while, but I only recently got to play them. So, don't come crying to me saying I'm reviewing old games.

Because I already know.

God of War

I first started playing this game fully expecting a Devil May Cry clone. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that it isn't just a Devil May Cry clone, though, in that there are elements of Prince of Persia and even a little bit of Zelda thrown in, too. There are some cool puzzles in the game, and the fighting stuff is pretty fun, though it can be repetitive at times.

The biggest surprise for me in the game though, was that the presentation was really very compelling. It takes a while to get started, but the story is pretty engaging and thoroughly reminiscent of Greek tragedy. Artistically, the cutscenes are beautiful and done in a really creative new way, kind of moving a camera around what look like highly detailed drawings. It's really cool.

Nonetheless, I think pretty much all the press on this game has been rather needlessly hyperbolic. Yes, it's a good action game, but I'd probably rather play Prince of Persia or Devil May Cry in the end. Not at all because I didn't like God of War, but because those games do what they do best, and this one seems to try to find a middle ground that maybe wasn't all that necessary to find. B.

Katamari Damacy

Fun.

That's pretty much the only word to describe this game that does it justice. A little short, but incredibly good while it lasts. I don't know what Japanese guy thought of the idea of rolling up random items into a ball to create stars, but I thank him for his immense insanity. Once you get the hang of the game (which does take a little while), you just roll up everything in sight, and once it gets to the point you're rolling up buildings and even clouds, it's just beyond fun.

This game also has the best soundtrack I've ever heard in a game. Namco clearly put a lot of time and effort just into the music for this game, and it's part of what keeps you playing. Yes, the game ends much too soon, but on the basis of the music alone, it gets an A.

Viewtiful Joe

Another product of Japanese madness, this game scores points just for being a side-scrolling beat-'em-up (which I say we need more of in this 3-D crazy era) and for some cool innovations. You have the options of speeding up time, slowing it down or "zooming in" while fighting to give your punches and kicks some added power/speed. It's a neat little trick, and it comes in pretty handy.

The story of the game's nothing exceptional -- Joe and his girlfriend get sucked into a movie they're watching where he becomes a superhero and has to save her. But the whole "Movie-World" premise allows for some funny dialogue and accounts for the frequent (and largely intentional) cheesiness of the game. And it makes it a lot of fun.

Overall, this is a pretty fun little game, but the difficulty level is very, very high. Even I had to more or less give up on the next-to-last boss, and I almost never give up on video games (I've maybe done it twice before this). So, as long as you can live with the idea of a game you're not entirely likely to finish, but is fun while it moves along, this one's a pretty good choice. B-.

Subject: Wrap Your Body (Spam)

2005-08-07T19:46:00.000-04:00

Hello to you,

Use our BodyWrap in the comfort of your home and you will lose 6 to as much as 20 inches of bodyfat within one hour. You will be satisfied, this product is excellent, and is use by women and men.
Visit (this link, which I have removed for your safety. -MW)

Your contact preference can be changed on link at the bottom of the website

Wise words for all
Every cloud has a silver lining
Every dog has its day

Hello to me!

Anyone out there with marketing experience, please explain something to me. What's the point of taking two entirely separate words, putting them together to make one word, and then capitalizing as if they were two separate words? Is there really all that much difference between Body Wrap and BodyWrap? Maybe sticking a hyphen in there would be even better. Body-Wrap? Or, I know! Shorten it even more! BoWra! BodWr! BoWr!

And, look at that, body fat is apparently one word too (but isn't capitalized). And, what do you know! It's measured in inches! I know that waist size is measured in inches, but, silly me, here I was thinking that body fat was a percentage. I suppose the way it's actually quantified is that you just set it out on a table or something and take a tape measure to it. Just snap all that fat off your ass, legs and stomach and slap it down there for the nutritionists to take a look at. I can imagine the user testimonials now.

USER: "Before BodyWrap, my bodyfat spanned the entire length of my kitchen! Now it barely stretches across my dining room table! Thanks, BodyWrap!"

So, how exactly does this stuff work? I can't say for sure, but here's what we know:

1. It is "use" by both women and men. So clearly it doesn't have floral prints or uncomfortably compromise private parts.
2. You can use it in the comfort of your home. So, it doesn't work anywhere in your home that isn't comfortable.
3. It causes one to lose anywhere from 6 to 20 inches of bodyfat. In an hour! Man!

In light of these facts, here's what I've determined this stuff really is:

See, here's how it works. You wrap it around your head and hold it tight for about 2-to-3 minutes. Make sure you're somewhere comfortable, preferably where no one else is. You'll enter into a level of immense relaxation. This is when the weight loss begins! Once you are found and all your bodily fluids are drained, you'll have lost all sorts of pounds! Then, the more you decompose, the thinner you'll be! It's a miracle product!

And words of wisdom, too! Man, these guys have everything! Hmm...clouds...silver lining...dogs...days. Hey! Those aren't words of advice for everyone! They're clearly for dogs and clouds only!

In light of these revelations, I don't know if I can trust these guys anymore.

What's your miracle weight-loss product? Or do you just have a question or comment for MW's mailbag? Send me an e-mail or drop by over at the message board!

A story about bicycles.

2005-08-05T20:55:00.000-04:00

I know that this post isn't really technically "news" about the site, but I didn't know where else to put this, the bloggiest post of The MW Blog as of yet, so it's going here. Deal with it.

So, I've been living here in the grimy urban environment of Prince George's County, Maryland for the past two-and-a-half months to get a master's degree in journalism. It's going reasonably well, thanks for asking.

Anyway, I decided before I moved here that the best way to get to class and to other places nearby my lavish efficiency (read: very small studio with $700-a-month rent) apartment was to ride a bike, especially considering that it cost something like 250 bucks to get a parking pass at the University that would more or less only allow me to park in a lot that's just as far away from the journalism building as my apartment. So I brought my old bike up here with me to use as my main mode of transportation.

A few words about the bike itself: it was a green, cheap 12-speed that I got back when I was, like, 13 or something. Amazingly, it still rode pretty smoothly and the chain actually worked pretty well once I put some oil on it. The most important thing, though, was that the bike had the most comfortable seat I've ever known to be on a bicycle -- my brother put it on there when he used it for exercise back when he lived in Wilmington. It was like riding on a recliner seat or a firmly toned, but still soft and luscious woman's ass. It was beautiful. Wonderful. A dream.

A beautiful, wonderful dream of a seat.

So, of course, about after eight weeks of living here, my bike got stolen. From right out in front of my apartment. I had locked it up on the bike rack outside with the lock I had bought with my dad at some skeezy dollar store. And yeah, it was a crappy lock, but I figured that anybody willing to make the effort to cut through a cable lock would go to a little more trouble to chop through a slightly thicker lock to get a bike that was actually worth something. But I was wrong, obviously.

I walked outside at about 5 o'clock one afternoon to find my bike gone, with the lock laying on the ground right by the bike rack, taunting me. "Here's what I think of your lock," the thief seemed to be saying to me symbolically, as he rode away on my plush, woman's-ass-like seat. I picked up the mangled lock and walked down to the main office of my apartment complex to tell them that my bike had been stolen on their watch, just to let them know that they were letting crime run wild in the streets. They told me to call the police.

I didn't really think that would help, but I did it anyway. After reporting my stolen bike to about 6 different people over the phone and waiting for about half an hour, a couple of officers, both women, showed up, looking like they really didn't want to be there. They started asking me questions:

COP: Did you see who took the bike?
MW: No. If I saw them, I think they probably would have stopped stealing it. Or I would have chased them.
COP: What did the bike look like?
MW: It was green, 12-speed, had a nice seat.
COP: Brand?
MW: I dunno, Free Spirit, I think. It was a cheap old bike.
COP: What was its value?
MW: I dunno, 60 bucks.
COP: Anything else of value on it?
MW: The seat.
COP: How much would you say the seat was worth?
MW: I dunno, 60 bucks.
COP: What was bike's the serial number?
MW: I don't know. Am I supposed to?
COP: (angrily) Yes! How could you not know that? I can't put it on a stolen items registry without a serial number!
(COP angrily gives me her card, both cops go toward their car)
OTHER COP: Get a better lock next time.

And then they left. Needless to say, they didn't go on a citywide search for my stolen bicycle. They should have, though. They didn't know about that seat. The only time I heard from them again was a week later when they called to see if I had the serial number, since apparently I should have had reams of documents with it printed on them. Seriously, do people document their bike's serial number? Is this a common practice? I barely even knew they had them before this.

After the cops left, I started walking around, looking to see if the bike thief had maybe ditched the bike after being too enthralled with the orgasmic wonder of my dreamy seat. I didn't find it, but I did come upon something suspicious: what I think may have been a bicycle chop shop. There's a little maintenance building out next to the road behind my building. In front of it, I found some bicycle wheels, a couple of bike frames and some old bikes with missing parts. Inside the chain-link fence next to the building were even more bikes. As I stood there looking at all this evidence, two guys quickly drove up to the building in a van, looking at me hard. I hoofed it out of there. A couple days later, I went back and saw a bike that looked exactly like mine, except it was an 18-speed. Suspicious, no?

Anyway, to wrap things up, I bought a new bike a week later. It looks like a candy apple and the seat is hard like a hip bone, but it does the job, I guess. At least it has better brakes than my last bike -- I went flying off the thing the first day I got it when I tried to stop it at the bottom of a hill. I landed hard on the sidewalk, but my elbow took all the impact.

So, in the end, I've ended up with a scraped elbow, a sore backside and the card of a cop that obviously doesn't care for me. And perhaps a pair of bicycle choppers after me.

Damn you, bicycle thief. I hope you choke on that beautiful, luscious seat. If that's somehow possible.

Lecture/Meeting Time Killers

2005-08-02T19:22:00.000-04:00

So, you're stuck listening to a lecture from some professor who won't stop talking about his research papers or you've been called to some meeting where your boss wants to tell you about what's going on in some other department you've never heard of and don't really care about. What do you do?

Here's a few suggestions.

The Wu-Tang/Supreme Court Memory Game

Both a memory game and something of a personality test, the idea behind this game is for you to see which you can name more of: members of the Wu-Tang Clan or Supreme Court Justices. When they were both full, both groups had nine members. Interestingly, this game is one that never one that gets old, as there are members of both groups who are very easily remembered, and likewise, very easily forgotten.

For your reference (and a chance for me to play the game right now) here are complete lists of the memberships of both (at the last point they were full).

Wu-Tang: RZA, GZA, Method Man, Ghostface (Killah), ODB, Raekwon, U-God, Master Killah, Inspectah Deck
Supreme Court: Rehnquist, Scalia, Thomas, Breyer, Souter, O'Connor, Ginsburg, Kennedy, Stevens

I was able to name seven members of each group before I had to look them up this time.

Count the Crutch Word

You probably know your professor/boss well enough to know their crutch word -- you know, the one they use all the time to fill the pauses. It's usually something like "you know" or "I mean," but sometimes it's just something really weird. I had a professor not too long ago who used the word "inordinate," well, inordinately.

Anyway, the idea is to keep a tally of the number of times the speaker uses their crutch word. This is actually a pretty effective way to stay occupied while actually listening to what's being said, if that's something you need to do. It's perfectly possible for you to zone out while you play this game, too, just keeping your ears open for every crutch word.

More than 30 or so in an hour is a good score.

You can also count the number of times your colleagues use their crutch words if they speak up a lot. For you college students, counting the number of uses of the word "like" can yield huge scores.

"Hey, Will You Stop It?"

The object of this game is just as the title says -- get the person in the seat next to you to say, "Hey, will you stop it?" or some variant thereof.

You can do this however you want -- poking them in the ribs, breathing loudly, whispering their name under your breath repeatedly, rubbing their calf with your shoe -- anything you want. Just get your colleague to their breaking point and say the title phrase out loud (but hopefully not too loudly).

For repeated play, it might be best to not always sit next to the same person to play this game. And it's probably better to sit next to someone you don't know or who you don't really see yourself becoming friends with.

Quote the Hits

This game requires being able to participate in what's going on to some degree, that is, there has to be some class discussion or participation from employees in the meeting.

Now, what you need to do here is inject as many song titles into everything you say during the class/meeting as possible. Keep a count of the number of song titles you're able to throw in. If somebody notices you're deliberately talking in song titles, all the better.

Here's an example from an imagined philosophy class: "I Might Be Wrong, but I'd like to give Descartes the opportunity to Take on Me. He says that we can't know if it's possible to Let it Be, but I don't think that's The End of the discussion. When I drive my Little Red Corvette, with my friends In the Back Seat since I'm no Loser, I can feel the Sunday Sun. What More Can I Say?"

You can probably do better.

What do you do to kill the time? Let me know in the comments section or pound out a post over on the message board.

Unpopular Food Items

2005-07-30T15:24:00.000-04:00

Most of these are kinda old, but I've done a couple new ones. Let's just say these aren't flying off of grocery store shelves.

Ice Cream Flavors

2005-07-27T22:00:00.000-04:00

VANILLA

I really hate that the word "vanilla" has come to be associated with things that are mundane or average or bland. Yes, vanilla ice cream is the most common. But by God, there's a reason for that. It's because it's delicious. If you really wanted to describe someone as being bland, you'd say, "He's nice, but he's kind of like unflavored ice-milk." You certainly wouldn't say "He's kind of vanilla." Because if you did, I would have to reply, "Oh, you mean he beautifully complements what surrounds him, but is also good on his own and has a wonderful, but not overwhelming taste?" Because that's what you'd be saying. Plus 10 bullets.

CHOCOLATE

My feelings about chocolate are rather mixed, at best. On its own, more or less unhindered by outside influences, chocolate ice cream is good. Great, actually. But as soon as you start mixing it with other things, there's trouble. Why? Well, just about everything that goes with ice cream is made of chocolate, except for maybe peanuts or sprinkles (and there are even chocolate ones of those). And I have a serious problem with chocolate overkill. Chocolate syrup on chocolate ice cream? That's really, genuinely gross. I know there are a lot of chocolate fanatics out there who love double-chocolate-fudge with syrupy toppings or whatever. But let me tell you something. Those people are unwell. That's like mixing scotch with bourbon with more scotch. You need balance, people. Seriously. 0 bullets.

STRAWBERRY

Often neglected among the Neopolitan flavors, strawberry ice cream is actually pretty damn good. Certainly it's the only non-sherbet fruit-flavored ice cream that's worth much. Sure, some people might say that black cherry or peach is good, but I don't trust those people and am frankly afraid to listen to a word they say. First it's peach ice cream, then they're convincing me to buy fradulent insurance policies and to invest in their upstart landscaping business. And then what? I'm standing there holding the bag while they run off to Carribean with that money I thought was going to help me put some lovely shrubs on some old lady's lawn. And then they're going to use my venture capital to buy poppies and develop it into heroin, furthering the international drug trade. And it was all because of non-strawberry, fruit-flavored ice cream. I'll stick with strawberry, thank you very much. Plus 5 bullets.

MINT

Pretty much any mint-flavored anything has one serious problem for me. And that's that I have a unwavering association between mint flavoring and dental care. Shove anything minty under my nose and I'll immediately flash back to sitting in some medieval-era dentist's chair, my mouth stuffed with rubbery contraptions that were too large for my mouth, filled to the brim with a minty flouride substance, rubbing against the back of my throat, causing my gag reflex to go crazy and send me into spasms. So the idea that I would want my ice cream to have the same flavor as the stuff that was the central point of the torture I would have to endure every six months isn't just off-putting. It's damn near horrifying. Also, mint ice cream is usually sort of pea-soup green, which just isn't all that enticing anyway. Minus 7 bullets.

COFFEE

Here's a note to anyone who wants to ingest something that tastes like coffee: drink coffee. "But MW," I hear you saying through my very powerful computer speakers, "coffee ice cream allows me to enjoy the delicious taste of coffee, a hot drink, during the summer months when the heat is so oppressive." Here's another note for you, jack-ass: drink iced coffee. They have that now. There is absolutely no reason for you want ice cream that tastes like coffee. Coffee tastes bad. The only reason it's so popular is because it gives people a jolt of caffeine in the morning that allows them to get through their mundane workdays. The flavor is designed such that you grimace every time you drink it, which allows you to wake up your facial muscles for a long day of work. If you've become addicted enough to the stuff to make it so you want your leisure foods to have the same taste, you've lost it. Seek help. Minus 4 bullets.

CREAM CHEESE

I needed a sixth thing to...opine on for this piece, so I went looking around on various websites to find another ice cream flavor that isn't just an existing flavor with stuff in it (or a fruit, which I've already established my feelings about). The Baskin Robbins website yielded "Creole Cream Cheese," which apparently is a regional flavor of theirs. My first reaction to this was, "Auuugh! Blaagh! Cheese ice cream! Bleaargh!" followed by several hours of vomiting all over the room. But then I thought about it for a minute and realized that this was cream cheese (not to be confused with cottage cheese, for which, I reiterate, "Blurggh!"). And that's the stuff cheesecake is made of. And actually that might be a pretty decent ice cream flavor. If it's not overdone or too strong, in fact, it could be a damn good ice cream flavor. I mean, I probably wouldn't want it to fill my ice cream sandwich, but I could certainly tolerate it on one or perhaps even two occasions. Plus 1 bullet.

You'll notice I left out flavors like chocolate chip and cookies 'n' cream and pistachio. Well that's because those are all just vanilla ice cream with stuff in it. Seriously, let's give vanilla the credit it deserves. Not only is it great, it's also versatile.

A Loving Tribute to My Personal Hero

2005-07-25T19:36:00.000-04:00

When I was little, at that age that most young boys want to be astronauts or firemen or both or maybe some kind of a gorilla, I had an entirely different dream. A more ambitious, more beautiful dream. I wanted to be something great. Something real.

I wanted to be a game show host. That was my dream. A dream that chiefly came from the shining example of one man:

Bob Barker.

And it's not just the fact that he had a super-cool microphone that I really wanted or that he was constantly surrounded by hot women -- though those were pretty big enticements -- no, Bob stood for something. He still does. He doesn't just use his stage, this show we know so well as "The Price is Right" as just a forum by which he gives people new cars or up to $10,000 cash or dinette sets that I'm sure the contestants don't really want, though, indeed those are important functions that our society need served from a soundstage in lovely Studio City.

No, my friends, Bob took it beyond that. "The Price is Right" means something. It's a striking commentary about our world today. One on which we should all focus with great concentration while we still can.

In this capitalist and competitive world, where else can we as a society learn about the overwhelming failure that one faces when going "over?" Where, dear reader, will we see so vividly expressed the struggle involved in deciphering the value of the "next item up for bids" in our lives? Should we go one above our competitors or should we lowball the competition and simply say, "one dollar, Bob?"

When our personal "showcase showdown" comes, will we be ready to spin the "big wheel" of life, death and love?

Bob is preparing us. Bob will show us the way. Also, he will make sure that our pets are spayed or neutered.

That's something we can, nay, must, all appreciate. Thank you, Bob. Thank you. I hope you live forever.

(Also, I want to reiterate that the guy is constantly surrounded by hot chicks. He's like Hugh Hefner, but without people thinking he's all pervy. What a great, great man. That's the kind of man I want to be.)

Capsule reviews for issues I bought on 7/20 (Comics)

2005-07-20T22:54:00.000-04:00

In entirely non-comic related news, my bike was stolen today. Hooray! Now on with the reviews.

A quick rundown on my comic rating system:

Yeah! - A great comic all around. Definitely worth buying.
Heh. - Pretty entertaining. Give it a read if you have a chance.
Eh? - Confusing. I'm not really sure if it's bad or good, honestly, but it made me scratch my head a lot.
Meh. - I could take it or leave it, really. Not terribly exciting.
Bleh. - Terrible.

Daredevil #75

Not a bad issue. The past three or four of these have really dragged, but this was a pretty decent payoff. I still don't really get what this story was all about -- People being possessed by some demonic baby? What? -- but Bendis conveys a pretty good sense of immediacy and finality in his characterization of Matt Murdock, who really seems to have a serious goal here. And Maleev's art remains beautiful and unlike anything else out there. Rating: Heh.

House of M #4

Is there a reason why I keep buying this series? Really? I will say this: at least there's some semblance of plot now. Trouble is, the plot makes absolutely no sense. Characterization is bad. Very bad. So now suddenly Wolverine, who is the only person who actually remembers his past, is incredibly calm and cool-headed? A girl who was brave enough to approach a rebellion group of huge guys is afraid of an upscale apartment? Yikes. The dialogue is horrible. First two pages: "Grandpa? I made this for you. With my mind." Ugh. There's an entire conversation in exposition. The art's hard to follow -- it's kind of hard to tell which panel leads into which. With that in mind, in addition to the fact that I'm going to keep buying this anyway, Rating: Bleh.

Ultimate Spider-Man #80

This was one of the best issues of this comic in quite a while. It actually mixed up the Peter Parker stuff with the Spider-Man stuff, had a great scene at the Daily Bugle and some really good Spidey one-liners during the webslinger's meeting with the Kingpin. After several mediocre issues about a break-up (I mean, I love the teen love stuff as much as the next guy, but every once in a while the angst just gets to be too much), it looks like this title is finally back on track. Rating: Heh.

Ultimates 2 #7

I think I've finally figured out what makes The Ultimates so good: Mark Millar knows how to make a little go a long way. This issue opens with a really cool action sequence, then moves on to a nice little suspenseful conversation between Tony Stark and Thor that still makes one wonder if the latter's really a god or not after all. Then a scene giving us a little more insight into the characters of The Wasp and Hank Pym -- and what life with Captain America is like. Finally, we get a great cliffhanger involving Hawkeye. That's only four scenes, but I can't wait to get my hands on the next issue of this. That's as good a recommendation as I can give. Rating: Yeah!

Ex Machina #13

The shine has maybe worn off a bit on this series for me, but it's still a great read. The flashback at the beginning of this issue is a nice little touch, and the fact that our main character is stuck with jury duty for the whole issue is something I haven't seen before. There's a little bit of a contrived cliffhanger here, but the character it comes from is ominious and mysterious enough for me to let it slide. And I do genuinely want to see what happens next. Rating: Heh.

The Authority: Revolution #10

This series is really starting to pay off. Each Authority character is put to good use here, and it actually seems like they're in some real peril since their headquarters, The Carrier, has been taken over. The end of the issue takes something Authority readers have seen about a hundred times and puts a whole new twist on it. And although I wasn't entirely sure about aging Jenny Quantum so fast, now I see that it was pretty well necessary. This is definitely worth reading once it gets collected. Rating: Yeah!

Subject: For Your Review (Spam)

2005-07-18T14:39:00.000-04:00

For your review:

Good Day, your file has been reviewed and there now are a few potential
options for you to consider.

Please note that this issue is time sensitive and that your previous
credit situation is not an issue at this time.

Confirm your details on our secure form to ensure our records are up to
date, thank you.

(The link is gone, the link is gone away from me. -MW)

--Tony Mcneill
Financial Advisor - eLMR Inc.

Did this reach you in error? please let us know so you won't recieve
again:
(This was the exact same link as the one above. Ain't that somethin'? -MW)

Let me start my commentary on this by saying that this is pretty much the most effective piece of spam I've ever gotten. And it's not because it's actually signed by what seems to be an actual person with an actual title (though that is something of an abberation). No, it's all in the greeting, "For your review." It just makes me feel...important, like I'm some kind of bigshot editor or something. Or better yet, it's pretty close to what one would hear at the beginning of a spy briefing.

So, spammers, take note. If you can somehow manage to make me feel like James Bond, I'll maybe actually read your e-mail. Seriously, if this email had been signed off with, "This message will self-destruct in thirty seconds," I'd have been all over that link.

Now, on to what the e-mail actually says. It seems that my "file" has been "reviewed" and that my "details" need to be "confirmed." Um...what file? What details? I'll tell you right now, and everyone who's reading this needs to know too, I've never had any file or any sort of details of any kind. With me, it's broad generalizations or nothing. And I keep my papers loose. Very loose. As loose as you could imagine.

I assume that these "details" and "files" are just floating around somewhere, out in the middle of the air, so that loan companies can just snatch them out of the sky. Then, once they get them, they're all like, "Oh no! These haven't been confirmed! How can we know that they're really verified?!?! We must send a questionable e-mail from a company that only comes up in a Google search in reference to that e-mail and that the search engine confuses with a glue company! Then all will be well!" And then a cheer lifts up from a crowd of men who throw their hats (bowlers, of course) into the air. The hats then knock more details out of the sky, and the process begins again.

One more thing. I have to take issue with the statment that there are "a few potential options" for me to consider. Potential options? When will they become full-blown options? What exactly am I supposed to consider -- the options themselves or the process involving them one day becoming options? When will I get to deal with some non-potential options? Kinetic options, perhaps?

These are the questions an international superspy like me must wrestle with.

Got a mailbag question or comment for world-spanning secret agent MW? Do you have some potential options for me to consider? Send me an e-mail or head over to the message board!

Traffic's up a hint.

2005-07-15T22:11:00.000-04:00

A few new readers have come on in the past few days, it seems. Nice. For those of you who'd like to see some more MW goodness, but don't want to bother sifting through all the archive, here are some of my hand-picked selections.

Abbott and Depresso comics
The IMDb Game
Mailbag: El Hombre Del Crosso
Mailbag: Vladislav
Mailbag: Morning Person
Opening Band
Lame Fear Factor
The New Yorker
Movie Re-Cuts
Things Vegetarians Don't Eat
Things Vegetarians Don't Eat Part 2

Did I leave out one of your favorites? Let me know, and I might put it on the list. I'm thinking about adding a "Best Of" section over in the sidebar, too, but I don't want it to be this long. Leave me a comment, tell me what your favorites are -- I want maybe five or six things over there.

Blog Cliche Roundup

2005-07-13T18:29:00.000-04:00

A few things of note before I get into the ground rules for this game:

This game might cause you to see some things that either you or your boss might not enjoy entirely. With that in mind, play it at work at your own risk.

Also, this game requires looking through random blogs, many of which may not be in a language you speak. Certain game scoring points rely on the occurence of certain words. So you may have to search a bit to find a blog in English.

On top of that, several blogs are spam blogs, that aren't really anything but lots of ads for cheap tickets to Rio. Skip those too.

Now that that's out of the way, locate the helpful "Next Blog" button in the obtrusive black bar at the top of the page. To start the game, click it (though it helps to keep these rules open in a separate window).

Look for the following cliches and assign the given point values for each one you find in the blog you're sent to (but don't go beyond the main page):

PART I: The Profile/Sidebar

1. If the description of the blog has the words "thoughts" or "perspective" in it, you get a point. If it has both, you get three.
2. If the blog description starts with the words "one man's" or "one woman's," you get a point.
3. If the blog description claims to help "further understanding" or "inform," you get a point.
4. If the description makes a broad, inaccurate generalization about the author's race, sex, religion, nationality or sexuality, you get a point.
5. If the links listed are "Google News," "edit-me" and "edit-me," you get three points. If it's just "Google News," you get a point.
6. If the blogger's "Location" is some abstract concept or a smartass remark about being "in a chair" or "at a computer," you get a point.
7. If the blogger's picture is inadequately sized such that it looks grainy, you get a point.
8. If the links consist entirely of other blogs you've never heard of, you get a point.
9. If there's only one month archived, you get a point.
10. If there's a hit counter in the sidebar, you get a point. If there's a link to a blog exchange site, you get two.

PART II: Posts

1. If there's a post called "Test," you get a point. If it's the only post, you get three.
2. If there's a post entitled "I'm so angry!" you get five points.
3. If you find a post that ends in ellipses, you get two points. If a post title ends in ellipses, you get four. If the title of the whole blog ends in ellipses, you get ten.
4. If words are purposefully misspelled, you get two points. If AIM abbreviations are used, you get three.
5. If there's a post consisting of a only a photo of: the blogger, their significant other, a friend or a pet, you get a point. If those are all the posts, you get five points.
6. If any posts are poems, you get two points.
7. If one post is a political rant consisting entirely of information anyone would know because it's common knowledge, you get a point. If the information is wholly inaccurate, you get four.
8. If all the posts are constructed in a broken, hardly readable English, you get two points.
9. If there are three consecutive posts about the same subject because it's obvious that the blogger had nothing else to talk about, you get two points. If the subject is: a break-up, a job hunt or a vacation trip, you get five.
10. If the words "life is..." are located anywhere, you get eight points.
11. If absolutely no letters are capitalized at the beginning of sentences, you get six points.

PART III: General

1. If, at any point the blogger describes his or herself as "crazy" or some variant thereof, you get a point.
2. If the blogger calls their posts "dumb," "boring," or "stupid" at any point, you get two points.
3. If the blog uses a standard Blogger template, you get a point. (They're pretty easy to spot.)
4. If the blog turns your cursor into a little crosshair and is also horribly unreadable, you get six points.
5. If there is a list of how many children and/or pets the blogger has, you get four points.
6. If more than one exclamation mark is used in succession, you get a point for each unnecessary mark.
7. If there's a flag for any country anywhere in the blog, you get two points.
8. Emoticon use of any sort scores you a point.
9. If there is a picture of the inside of the blogger's home, you get four points.
10. If the word "musings" appears anywhere, you get 15 points.

If anyone acutally plays this game (and I don't even think I will), let me know what you find.

Gas!

2005-07-12T12:44:00.000-04:00

I was driving through my temporary hometown of Buttcrack, Maryland when I noticed that gas prices have gotten beyond ridiculous. $2.33 a gallon!?!? Holy Crappery!

All this because of some hurricane or something that I'm not even sure really exists in some "Gulf" or something that everyone keeps talking about. It's all pretty suspect to me.

Anyway, in honor of the gouging of anyone who has to go anywhere, here are some Photoshops I did a while back to help the oil companies improve their image a bit.

First, here's one that takes the national sentiment against gay marriage and runs with it.

Second, a graphic that can and should be sent to news outlets nationwide.

Third, an attack ad that focuses the attention on another overpriced liquid.

Aspects of Superhero Costumes

2005-07-09T18:32:00.000-04:00

CAPES

Anyone who's ever read a comic or seen The Incredibles can point out (or has at least had it pointed out to them) that capes aren't terribly useful and really tend to be more of a hinderance than anything when one is doing rigorous physical activity that may or may not involve green poison gas. But, really, let's face it, superhero costumes aren't designed for usefulness' sake. They're designed to look cool. So, for the purposes of this particular assessment, I'm not really interested in utility. With that in mind, capes are great. I mean, what would Batman be without his cape? Well, I guess he'd still be Batman. But he'd be slightly less awesome. Go ahead and try to imagine a slightly less awesome Batman. Pretty gruesome, huh? Yeah, I thought so. Plus 6 bullets.

SPANDEX

If not for superheroes, the only instances in which we would see spandex would involve greased-up, mostly naked dudes on European beaches and ballet dancers. Oh, and people in gyms during the 80s. So I think I can pretty easily say that superheroes have done more for spandex than spandex has done for superheroes. To be honest, spandex owes more thanks to Lynda Carter's breasts than anything. In many ways, the 1970s Wonder Woman TV show was a pretty strking advertisement for spandex to just about every pubescent male who saw it. You know what? Forget about spandex. Lynda Carter's breasts receieve plus 9 bullets.

MASKS

I'll preface this by saying that there are many really, extremely cool superhero masks. Most of the ones that cover up the entire face or are of the cowl style are generally pretty good. The trouble starts for me with those masks that 1) only cover up one distinguising feature and 2) inexplicably manage to stay on the character's face without anything holding it up. I know I said I wasn't going to talk about the utility of the different parts of the costumes, but, damnation, that's just distracting. I mean, come on Green Lantern, I don't care how much light you can control, you can't keep that little thing that only covers your eyes on your face without some elastic bands. Seriously. Minus 4 bullets.

TRUNKS

We all know the joke about underwear on the outside of the pants. And yeah, I don't know why Superman wears those. Butit doesn't really matter why he does. It just looks right. Even the superheroes who don't have the out-and-out trunks kind of have them. Look at Spider-Man's costume. He has a definite trunk outline there. Maybe it's something about the fact that it's just unacceptable to see a man in a form-fitting costume without something that looks like a normal article of clothing to go over it. Why they went with the tighties instead of heart boxers, though, I'll never know. Plus 1 bullet.

UTILITY BELTS

If the supplies in superheroes' belts were limited to only gas pellets and projectile weapons, I'd be cool with that. But, as usual, the 1960s destroyed that notion. I mean, Bat-Shark-Repellent? Yeah, that completely destroyed the idea. What a shrill and pointless decade! Minus 7 bullets.

CHEST LOGOS

If I felt like I could walk around all day with a big MW on my chest without being murdered on the spot, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I would do it immediately. Frankly, I get pretty angry at superheroes who don't have chest logos. They have the opportunity to put a big letter or an artistic representation of some animal or object or...noun of some kind right there in the middle of their chest, and they neglect to do it? It probably doesn't help the fact that absolutely none of the X-Men have chest logos, and they largely just annoy the crap out of me. That's right, X-Men, I'm callin' you out. Bring it. I have no fear of fictional characters. Plus 5 bullets.

Okay, I actually am pretty scared.

Consumer Product Ideas I Genuinely Believe Will One Day Make Me a Million Dollars

2005-07-06T22:37:00.000-04:00

The Dessert Quesadilla
Prepared in much the same way as a conventional quesadilla, the dessert quesadilla replaces the cheeses and meats that usually fill the Mexican culinary treat with fruity fillings of cherry or blueberry or, in extreme situations, an oddly flavorful lemon meringue-style colloid. The outer shell, typically constructed of a tortilla, or, as they say south of the border "el tortilla," is replaced with a flavorful, crispy crust that somewhat resembles the crust of a standard pie. To be served at my Aztec-themed Tex-Mex restaurant chain, "Tacochtitlan."

Online Rock, Paper, Scissors Valu-Time(TM) Internet Software Pack
For the low, low valu-price(TM) of $9.95(TM) an hour*, hardcore online gamers are given the opportunity to play the ultimate game of strategy in the comfort of their own homes. Turn-based strategy has never before been so tense. Your opponent has just thrown "rock." What's your next move? Call together your council of advisors and work out a plan. Will paper be the proper cover? Can the scissors survive? Will you risk suicide by throwing "dynamite" or "God" or one of those other cheap cop-out plays? It's all up to you!

AlliterationCo Frozen French Fries with FlavorPak
Consumers these days want spice. They want flavor in their lives. That's why I've developed the greatest innovation in fry technology to date, the FlavorPak. Included in every bag of AlliterationCo fries, the FlavorPak is 12 full ounces of the mixed essences of up to 125 different flavors, from potato chip-style standards like "barbecue" and "sour cream and onion" to more unusual sorts of tastes like "dung beetle," "cowboy," and "diffidence." Simply pour the contents of the FlavorPak onto your fries after they've been cooked. Or you could just empty the contents of the Pak onto your taste-deprived tongue for a blast of over 223 flavors at once!

The Restful Night Infant Storage Unit
Parents all over the world know the frustrations that come with having a newborn in the family. Not only are there dirty diapers to change and annoying extended family members to contend with, there's also the nuisance of having a baby in the house, keeping you up all night with its crying and whimpering and general lack of regard for the fact that you've got work tomorrow, dammit. Not to worry, parents. The Restful Night Infant Storage Unit is here to help. A soundless, airless vacuum chamber originally developed by NASA, the Restful Night Infant Storage Unit will keep baby quiet and let you get the rest you need for your big day on the job. And it's big enough to store even those talkative and bothersome toddlers!

The Richard Grieco Instant Fame Machine
Invented in 1988, this device is designed to make you (yes, you!) just as famous as revered "21 Jump Street" star Richard Grieco. How does it work? Simply press the "instant fame" button and you'll be whisked away to grand notoriety and fortune in the sunny recesses of Hollywoodland! Just listen to what our celebrity spokesperson, star of the hit UPN TV series "Marker" has to say about or product!

RICHARD GRIECO: How…how much am I getting for this ad? Hey, you gonna eat that sandwich? I'm really hungry. No, seriously, I'm starving.

And you'll be hungry too! Hungry for more fame!

Invent Your Own Consumer Products and Win: How You Too Can Make A Million Dollars
An informative how-to book that informs readers of ways that they, too can make names for themselves in the product-development business. With these simple rules, anyone can create products that anyone with a buck would want! Here's just one of the rules you'll find in this infinitely useful tome:

RULE 1: Write a book that oversimplifies an incredibly complex and intricate process that requires great creativity and hard work. People eat that shit up.

That million dollars is in my pocket already.

*Game time is $9.95 per hour for the demo version of the software. For the full-use version which includes such features as "paper," well, let's just say you'd better start saving up.

Land of the Dead and War of the Worlds (Movies)

2005-07-05T23:42:00.000-04:00

George A. Romero's Land of the Dead

Probably the biggest disappointment that came from this movie is its title. Not so much in that George Romero's name is in it -- I mean, after more or less inventing the zombie genre, I think the guy's earned it -- but rather in the fact that the thing that's "of the Dead" is some geographical region, not a time frame. I mean, come on, couldn't we have had "Noon of the Dead" or "Dusk of the Dead?" "Week of the Dead" even? "Vernal Equinox of the Dead?" "Three-Day Weekend of the Dead?" There were a lot of viable choices here.

Anyway, here's a quick rundown of the plot: Dennis Hopper and some richies live up in a big tower, everybody else has to make their way through life down on the streets, poor, but protected from zombies by electrified fences. The richies have given them bread-and-circus-style activities to keep them occupied. A member of a group of semi-mercenaries that gets supplies from the outside for the richies decides to rebel, steals a huge tank-style thing, and threatens to blow up richie tower. Meanwhile, a group of zombies led by the coolest character in the movie, Awesome Black Zombie Gas Station Attendant, heads for the city and revenge for their re-killed bretheren, apparently.

All in all, the movie was extremely pretty okay. Nothing to write home about, but reasonably entertaining, with some good gore moments. Romero doesn't even bother with subtlety with his anti-aristocratic social commentary (the most subtle moment comes when we see that fireworks, presumably a symbol of blind patriotism, distracts the zombies from their goal), and there are some awful line deliveries of equally bad lines (mostly from Hopper).

The main character, played by Simon Baker, is affably forgettable. Not bad by any means, but not even in the league of someone like Ben from "Night of the Living Dead." Leguizamo manages to be reasonably un-annoying in his part as the rebellious supply-gatherer. Asia Argento does a pretty good job of being tough and hot at the same time, which is kind of her thing.

Not a bad use of an hour and a half. Not terribly memorable either. This one's outshined by Romero's previous zombie efforts (except "Day") and "28 Days Later," which remains a modern zombie masterpiece, but it's still better than that terrible "Dawn of the Dead" remake and most of the other schlocky horror stuff out there. C

War of the Worlds

Before I get into this review, I just want to say that I don't get why aliens in alien invasion movies always, and I mean always are these unstoppable creatures that only have one weakness. It's like every one of them is Superman, only insectoid and evil. I mean, come on, do you think any species smart enough to build interstellar ships would be that tough? Seriously, they'd be nerds. All you'd have to do is send out a couple of football players after them and they'd run home.

All I'm saying is, I'm gonna write a script for an alien invasion movie someday, and in it, the aliens' one weakness will be shotgun blasts.

Ah, Spielberg. It's hard to tell if you've just been phoning it in these past couple of years or really trying to push the boundaries of what you're known for. At the very least I can tell you really tried on this one. And for the first hour, maybe even the first hour-and-a-half, it shows.

That part of "War of the Worlds" is a great movie. An outstanding movie. There's humor, there's some real family tension, there's a real convincing feeling that this guy, Ray Ferrier, just has no idea what to do with his kids. But far beyond that, once the action starts, it's really something to behold. There's mystery to the Tripod ships that emerge, there's some great sound that kind of bumps you out of your seat, and most importantly, there's a real, urgent sense of outright panic. People are rushing through the streets and you're right there with them. There's a riot scene where you pretty much understand why people are doing this dangerous and more or less insane stuff to steal a van. It's amazing.

And then...well, then it's somewhat obvious that nobody knew where to take it. The scenes with Tim Robbins, where everyone is holed up in a basement kind of slow the pace to a crawl. There are some beautifully shot bits near the end that lapse into the realm of just a little too convenient to believe. And then there's an ending that basicaly just doesn't fit in with anything else, really.

The closing narration, sort of an epilogue, comes right out of the H.G. Wells book, so that part of the ending is relatively similar, but Spielberg just went the extra mile with the sappiness. That said, the ending doesn't ruin the rest of the film, and it's actually pretty watchable, even if it's kinda hard to know why it's there. I imagine a group of studio executives just sitting around and saying, "So, how do we end this movie in which lots and lots of people are killed and it seems pretty well hopeless through the whole thing?" And because no one could come up with anything, this is what we got.

Tom Cruise is actually a somewhat believable loser dad, and his kids, played by Dakota Fanning and Justin Chatwin, are very well-acted up until both characters apparently lose all sense of reason near the end. Tim Robbins is crazy as balls, though I'm sure that's not too surprising.

Is there some way we can get someone else to direct Spielberg's endings? 'Cause if we did, I wouldn't have to give this one an A-.

Subject: One-Year Review

2005-07-04T00:43:00.000-04:00

Dear MW:

I have my one year review coming up on July 18. At this time my bosseseses will offer me a raise [or not, or fire me, one of the three]. I know that if they offer me a raise it will not be big enough. What are some good ways to negotiate a higher raise?

Sincerely,
LM

Honestly, I don't get this whole "one year review" idea to begin with. I mean, if you're doing your job adequately well, you get to keep it. If you screw up really badly, then you get fired. If you save the company or something, you get your pay doubled. That seems simple enough. Do they really have to schedule some kind of meeting or evaluation exactly a year after you started to see if those things happened or not? I mean, you would think your bosseseses would know how you were doing your job since they, I don't know, work where you do and all.

Anyway, now that I've completely demonstrated my lack of understanding of the business world, here are some tips for you to have greater success in it and get a bigger raise:

1. Threaten to kill your bosses.

Now, I know this may not seem like the best idea in the world. I understand that. But listen to my logic here. We can reasonably assume that your bosses don't want to die, right? So, if you threaten to kill them, you'll be putting them in a situation that they probably don't want to be in. This will give you the upper hand, as only you will have the ability to give them relief in this uncomfortable circumstance. That is, if they give you what you want.

I'm sure you're thinking, "But won't they just fire me after the ordeal is over? Or worse, press charges?" Not if you negotiate well enough. If the entire season of 24 I watched this weekend is any indication, the only way to get people to do much of anything is to either torture them or threaten their or their family's lives. Seriously, trust me on this. I'm your Kiefer Sutherland, LM. Listen to my silky-smooth, yet gravelly voice of reason. This will work.

2. Feign abject poverty.

For the week or so before your evaluation, wear less and less appealing-looking clothes to work. Discuss with your co-workers, particularly your bosses, about how little you've had to eat that day. These stories can vary over time from a little comment about how all you've had is a fun-size Snickers to a comically tragic story of how you tried to eat a boot a la Charlie Chaplin in The Tramp. When someone asks you how things are going, tell them, "Oh, I'm fine," but then look away, biting your lip in such a way that everyone knows you have too much pride to say you can't make the rent. Then, just to make sure, look the person in the face and say, "Actually, I'm not fine. I can't make the rent."

Work everyone's sympathy up to the point that they can't help but give you a huge raise. You know the feeling of accomplishment people get because they sent thirty bucks to a starving kid in Africa? That's the feeling you want to give people here. Have some flies go around with you everywhere, that'll help.

3. Adopt some kids.

Only as a temporary measure, mind you. Just bring them to the office one day, tell everyone the daycare was closed and you didn't have the cash to hire a nanny. You really only have to do this once to see the money start to fly in.

Then the next day, it's right back to the orphanage with them. Keep in mind, however, there is one ethical concern, here. You may have to lie to your co-workers later on about how well young Brandon is doing in school. Trust me, he's a moron.

4. Snitch.

Surely there's someone in your office who's doing something that your bosses wouldn't approve of. Probably a lot of people. So tell on them. There's no way this could possibly backfire on you. Your bosses will appreciate your candor and loyalty, and the co-worker you snitch on, sometime down the road, will realize the error of his or her ways, find you, and thank you for helping him or her through this dark time, possibly with a lovely card or pleasantly arranged fruit basket.

In the event that nothing is really going on in your office (and, seriously, somebody's gotta be fudging on their time card), just go ahead and make something up. Not only does this work just as well as if you were telling the truth -- the person will still say, "But I didn't do anything!" when they're being dragged off to employee prison, which makes them look guilty as hell whether they did anything or not -- it also allows for greater creativity. So just talk about how Janine from accounting has a machine that controls the weather and she uses for evil, or how Steve from marketing has secret meetings with Satan, Saddam Hussein and the damned soul of Goebbels, as well as other non-company people, during office hours. If you can keep a straight face, you're golden.

5. Make insane promises.

Offer to work like, 130 hours a week. Tell them you can have that project you've been working on for September done in seven minutes. Tell them a raise in your pay will be the first step in saving their immortal souls. Tell them the wars in Iraq and Vietnam will be erased from history with your gigantic raise. Say these things are your eyes bat around the room and you swat at some kind of imagined, giant beetle that keeps flying around you.

Tell them anything, really. Once the dotted line is signed, you can just go right back to your desk and read crummy blogs for the rest of the day and forget about all that crap you said. Odds are, they'll probably forget about it too. Seriously. They'll be so scared of your apparent schizophrenia, they'll do just about anything to get you out of their office.

Happy reviewing!

Got a mailbag question for MW? Send me an e-mail or head over to the message board!