Subject: Question

moniker wrote:

Dear MW,
Will I get into graduate school?
If not, what are some good jobs that I should look into instead?
Thanks for your help,
Uncertain Future

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute here. Are you sure you want to go to graduate school? Let me enlighten you by telling you something about school after you graduate. It's no walk in the park. No, it's more like a swirling, unstoppable vortex of loneliness from which you can never escape. Or maybe that's just my experience, I don't know. Anyway, let me get out my ol' crystal ball to predict how things are gonna go for you.



Hmmm. That's...annoying. In the meantime, I guess, let me suggest a few professions you might want to look into if you're not interested in the whole loneliness vortex thing.

Pro Bowler


Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. "MW," I'm hearing via telepathy, "how could I possibly be a professional bowler? I'm not a very good bowler at all!" And you're right, you're not. But none of that matters, anyway. All pro bowling is about anymore is the style. Just show up to the tournaments in a pair of badass sunglasses and a leather jacket or something and start calling yourself "bowling's biggest rebel." Nobody'll care that you roll a gutterball every frame, because that'll just be another way you defy the man. Of bowling.

Cowboy/Firefighter/Astronaut


Ask any four-year-old what they want to do and most likely they'll tell you that they want to be a cowboy or a fireman or an astronaut. But I say that those kids aren't trying hard enough. The real goal is to be all three, and the only way to teach them a lesson is to lead by example. Show those little punks what real, American hard work can do.

Undisputed Monarch


You don't have to be overly ambitious for this one. You can vie to take over and rule just some tiny Eastern European country if you want, as long as you make sure you rule it with an iron fist. Make a lot of pronouncements in which you refer to yourself as the "Great, Divine and Benevolent..." and make sure you have lots of people around to grovel at your feet. Oh, and always, always make sure the peasants are constantly covered in filth. You would be no real monarch if you didn't.

Transformer


Two great things about being a Transformer:

1. You are more than meets the eye.
2. You are a robot in disguise.

I'm sure there are other good reasons, but do you really need anything else?

Okay, now that that's taken care of, let's see how grad school fares for you:



Dammit!

Look, I'm just gonna have to get back to you on this.

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Got a question for MW that won't really be answered at all? In a loneliness vortex? I feel your pain. Shoot me an e-mail or check out the message board!