Thursday, March 09, 2006

At least the URL is much easier to remember.

Hey errbody.

I've got a pretty big announcement, I guess, and that's that I'm no longer going to be updating this site. It's done for.

I'll give you a moment to mourn.

But keep that chin up, because I've simply moved to much fancier digs over at http://mw.cracked.com. That's right! No more of that "themwwebsite" business that led to so many unfortunate and accidental hits at "www.themmwebsite.com," the home of a Portuguese manufacturer that makes counterfeit M & M's.

All of this site's archives are up over there, and all my new stuff from this point on will be posted over there. The message board will stay alive, for now at least. Also, I'm going to keep everything that's already up here in place, only because I wanted to keep everyone's comments intact. If somehow you're responsible for every comment ever made here and you don't mind if they go away, let me know and I'll scrap the whole thing.

Anyway, here's hoping for more reasonably amusing material and a doubled readership (12!).

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Awards Show Time-Killers

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In honor of tonight's Oscars broadcast, here are a few things you can do while watching the show so that the lengthy musical numbers with the love theme from "Munich," the thank-you speeches full of names you've never heard before and the sad, but sappy and overlong montage of people who died last year can only serve as background noise while you do something actually kind of entertaining.

The Potato Chip Competitive Eating Face-Off
Take a friend to the grocery store before the show. There, buy at least 10 to 15 bags of potato chips. Any flavor or style is allowable. Wait for the show to start, at which point you and your friend(s) will begin eating chips, and will continue to do so non-stop through the entirety of the broadcast. Beverages are allowable, but sips must be taken quickly. You are only allowed to stop eating during commercial breaks -- any time the awards show is actually on, you have to continue scarfing down chips. The last person to stop eating is the winner, and is also probably a loser.

Imagine the Genitals
You can play this alone or with a friend. When a random audience member/celebrity pops up on screen in one of those ubiquitous reaction shots, take a few moments to grab a piece of paper and either describe or draw what his/her genitals might look like. Repeat throughout the show. If you want, find someone to act as a judge of how accurate your depictions are. This would most likely be a friend or family member who you think might have the greatest amount of knowledge regarding Judi Dench's vulva.

Kill the Kidder
Invariably, at least one person will make a standard, tired joke about the statue. You know the type -- "I'd like to hold her Golden Globes!" or "That Oscar appears to be very phallic!" or "Grammy? More like Shammy!" Beat this person into a quivering puddle of bones and pus.

Make it an NFL Film
At various points throughout the show, try to narrate what's happening in the voice and style of that way-overdramatic announcer from all those old NFL Films. For example: "Giamatti charges down the carpet, sweat now pouring into his eyes. Fans chanted his name as he took hold of the trophy, making a move toward his agent, the rookie. Finally, this was his year to shine." It would really help if you had that hilarious horn music playing in the background.

And the Winner is...BloodRayne!
As each winner is announced, everyone in the room should scream out over the presenters with the name of someone who played a part in the film BloodRayne (or for best picture, the movie title itself), as if BloodRayne has swept the Oscars. Then have a good, hearty laugh about it. Find the names of everyone involved with the movie here.

The "Metal Gear Solid" Time Challenge
While you watch the award show on one TV, play the PlayStation game "Metal Gear Solid" on another TV set up right next to it. Start from the beginning, and try to finish the game before the show ends. The thing lasts four-and-a-half hours, so you should have time. If you don't, you're pretty bad at Metal Gear. Jeez, dude.

What Else is On?
Check around to see what's showing on other channels. Find something you enjoy watching. Watch that. Find the names of the winners online tomorrow morning. There, I just saved you a night's worth of torture.

Good Oscaring to you!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Movie Re-Cuts: Oscars Edition!

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Friday, March 03, 2006

Images That Popped Up When I Did a Google Image Search for "MW" in Like, Mid-2003

MWapostles.jpg
Although I'm not particularly associated with the Reinassance as far as I know, this image impresses me a lot. Despite the fact that I don't have large spires in my architecture and the very real possibility that I'm not made of stone (only my resolve is), I would't mind somehow becoming a cathedral someday. I could even have a slogan. "The MW Cathedral: Bold new look, same great faith!" And even if I don't actually become a cathedral, maybe I could just try to become a saint and try to get one named after me. I could be the patron saint of Plus 5 bullets.

MWgirl.jpg
Oh, this is trouble. Not so much because the subject of the picture is not me or that it's a girl -- I can imagine that there are a number of people or businesses out there that have the initials "MW." My problem here is more with the similarities to me. For one, the hair looks a little to close to how mine looks right now for me to be happy, and the shirt is kinda the same color as my leather jacket. Actually, I kinda feel like this is what I would look like if I was female (although I think I'd probably have a beard, and there would have to be the glasses). Honestly, with that in mind, I feel sorry for this person. Almost as much as I do for myself. Minus 7 bullets.

MWflag.jpg
I've actually thought about what I would do if I had my own country, including spending some time deciding what my flag would look like. Really, you have to think about these things ahead of time. My ultimate decision ended up being that my flag wouldn't have the following things: a sun, or bars of color. This flag (it's actually the flag of Malawi) breaks both of those rules. In fact, when I considered it even more I decided that the flag was pretty much just going to have to be a big picture of me with a caption underneath reading: "The MW country: Mediocrity in Action." And this just doesn't say that to me. Minus 4 bullets.

MWoldman.jpg
I suppose that this picture is trying to tell me that this is what I'm going to look like when I get older. For the most part, I'm okay with it. The suit's pretty nice. I like the checkered tie. And it looks like I might look to the right all the time. The only problem I really have is that the guy's bald. I guess that if I do actually go bald one day (maybe next week sometime), I'll live with it, but I've just always wanted to be one of those old guys with the really wild hair that looks like it's just kind of hovering over his head. You know, the ones whose hair looks too fake to be a toupee. With some aviator glasses. Yeah. That'd kick so much ass. Minus 2 bullets.

MWmath.jpg
This is neat, because I looked it up and this is the actual equation for me. No, seriously. This function actually comes out to equal my exact value. As you can see, the final answer is negative 1.7. In actuality, my exact value is negative 1.711, but I'd say they got it pretty close. Interestingly enough, this is apparently also an equation for a portion of the process of measuring the magnitude of an earthquake or seismic vibration. Since I have been known to make the earth shake at times (or so the ladies tell me), it seems pretty appropriate. Plus 3 bullets.

MWbabe.jpg
This picture has nothing to do with me at all. But let me make this clear: I don't care. It came up when I searched for MW, and in case you couldn't tell that whole earth-shaking thing was a lie. So the fact that searching for MW yields this picture can only mean one thing: some sort of ironic fate machine has taken over Google Image Search and decided to play a devious trick on me. "Look at them ta-tas!" the machine says in its taunting, metallic drone. "You ain't never gonna get a hold of those!" But then again, seriously, look at them ta-tas. Plus 10 bullets.

Heh. Ta-tas.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Renowned Child Psychologist Dr. Helmut Weller Introduces His New Disciplinary Technique in a Late-Night Infomercial



Hello, America!

Over the past few decades, it seems like every psychologist or behavior specialist in the country has come out with a supposedly "new" and "innovative" technique guaranteed to make your children behave. And just because those people have college degrees and have actually spent time with children, they think they know everything about them. Well, I want you to know that I, Dr. Helmut B. Weller, Ph.E. (that's one more than Ph.D.!), have got a plan to help your kids be less... What's the word? Crap-assed? Let's say crap-assed.

And I want you, the American consumer, to know that my program is different.

Why? Because it works!

In past years, many psychiatrists have supported the idea of treating children as little adults, creating such preposterously ineffective strategies as "time out" and "talking to each other." My technique, however, rests on the three key principles of the childhood mind, which I discovered through thoroughly performed laborotoric science-tests:

PRINCIPLE 1: Kids Are Dumb
And how. On average, 98 percent of four-year-olds failed a basic quiz in trigonometry. Nearly three-fourths had no idea what the Underground Railroad was. Almost half couldn't find Latvia on a map. Of the Baltic states! I mean, seriously!

PRINCIPLE 2: Kids Are Gullible
They'll believe anything. Like, this one time, I told this little kid that Rocky III was better than Rocky IV. And he believed me!

PRINCIPLE 3: Kids Scare Easy
Even the most harmless items, like a butcher knife, a pitchfork or a meager chainsaw will make your average child quake in his boots. Chasing your child around with your car is almost like having obedience medicine, if such a thing existed. And if such a thing does exist, I'd suggest using that also.

TESTIMONIAL
" Dr. Weller's program helped me to whip my terrible kids into shape. Now, they go to bed on time, help around the house, and I barely even got any jail time! Thanks, Dr. Weller!"
-Rose Heartpunch, Peoria, IL

You may be asking, "Doc, how does your system work?" And my answer to that would be, "Easily...is how." All you need to do is remember three easy steps toward ultimate obedience!

1. CONSTANTLY DISCUSS THEIR SHORTCOMINGS
Children are very competitive. Give them some initiative to achieve! Take some time to make up stories about other kids who achieved really cool stuff. "Do you remember Timmy Butterworth?" you'll ask. "Who the hell is Timmy Butterworth?" your kid will ask. "He's the kid who cured cancer!" you'll say. "Terminal cancer! Why can't you cure terminal cancer?" As soon as your child stops answering with a smart-ass answer like, "Because Timmy Butterworth already cured it," you'll know you've made some progress.

2. THREATEN THEIR IDOLS AND HEROES
When your son or daughter breaks a rule, tell them that you're going Pokemon hunting in the backyard. If they backtalk, remind them that you have the Power Rangers tied up in the basement and won't release them until they apologize. Hire some derelicts to dress up as Dragon Ball Z characters and make your kid watch as they knife each other for a turkey croissant. That'll teach him not to make anymore B-minuses in gym class!

3. TELL THEM THEY'RE BEING REPLACED WITH A UGANDAN KID
This never fails. Ever. If it does, go adopt a Ugandan kid. Just giving them a bowl of rice every couple days seems to keep them pretty calm.

Happy parenting!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Three Records Released Last Year

They were released last year, but as usual, I've only gotten around to listening to them.

Sufjan Stevens, "Illinois"


Probably the most critically acclaimed record of last year, Sufjan Stevens' lengthy ode to the Land of Lincoln is certainly an impressive accomplishment, especially considering the guy played basically every instrument. Upon the first few listens, the whole album is nothing less than astonishing -- the songs very complex, the instrumentation intricate, the singing sweet, but not so twee you have to leave the room.

But sit with it for a few weeks and the luster starts to fade a little. Not that the album turns bad by any means, but a lot of the cute factor of several of the songs, notably "Jacksonville" and "Metropolis," gets a little tired. The anthemic "Chicago" kind of loses its impact after a few days of listening, too. In the end, the songs that hold up are the ones that seem the most genuine. "Casimir Pulaski Day" is just a heartbreaker, "John Wayne Gacy, Jr." is simply beautiful, and "The Predatory Wasp of the Pallisades Is Out to Get Us!" actually kind of grew on me.

Was this the album of the year? I can't say I know for sure. It's quite good, and incredibly easy to pick up, listen to and enjoy. It certainly wasn't like anything else that came out, and it definitely is a technical feat. And Stevens is clearly going to put out some great records. But as far as this being a milestone or a masterpiece, that may be hyperbole. A-

The New Pornographers, "Twin Cinema"


I don't know why everybody gave The New Pornographers such a hard time over their second album, "The Electric Version." It had some of the catchiest power pop songs ever recorded, I say. Critics have said that this record was the Pornographers' return to form and the first sign that these guys have formed some sort of cohesive unit.

All I can say is, it's pretty good, but I liked their other stuff, to be honest.

There are some excellent songs on here -- "Sing Me Spanish Techno," "Jackie Dressed in Cobras" and "Falling Through Your Clothes" are standouts -- but nearly half the record is kind of, well...sleepy. Yeah, it seems that all the band members were all in the same room when they recorded this stuff, but it also sounds like they were all kind of depressed.

I will say that part of the problem is that this group has just set a standard for themselves that is almost too high to meet. From any other band, this would have been a breakout record. For The New Pornographers, making only 7 out of 14 songs so infectious I can't stop humming them seems like a disappointment. B-

Wolf Parade, "Apologies to the Queen Mary"


I think Montreal may be the new Seattle. That city pumps out a new, really cool band like, every week now. I mean, really all you have to do is take a look at these guys' name to know they've got to be good. Wolf Parade. I mean, come on.

And even beyond the name, this is a pretty damn good debut. The album comes right out of the gate with the best song on the whole thing, "You Are a Runner and I Am My Father's Son," a revenge tune that's almost all drums and that almost rocks too hard. It's also the least derivative song on the record, as, like many bands' debuts, Wolf Creek's album wears its influences right on its sleeve. There's a series of songs in the middle of the record that might as well be titled by the bands they sound like. Songs 3-8, retitled: Modest Mouse, The Pixies, At the Drive-In, Nirvana, Spoon, Interpol.

Not that that's bad, necessarily. I like all those bands. But when they put all that together and every song sounds like it came from the same band, hopefully in their next record, that's when Wolf Parade will finally live up to their unbelievably cool name. B

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Subjects: race war and 7 days to quit smoke

T. Morgan wrote:

Dear MW,

I am an eager young man looking to start a good old-fashioned race war. I've got countless troops who are ready and willing to rise up against the White Devil, but I'm a little stumped on how to get this whole thing started. Do I need to set up some kind of international incident? Or is it as simple as hiring a controversial comedian?

Eagerly awaiting the start of the bloodbath,

T. Morgan

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T.,

Let's get one thing straight right off the bat. Race wars are not simple, and they are not fun. They require a lot of hard work and dedication. You can't just start up a race war and leave it in the closet like that guitar I bought you for your birthday last year. You've barely even picked that thing up. If you want to have a race war, you're going to have to prove to me that you're responsible enough to deserve it.

You heard me, young man!

Anyway, I think we both know pretty well the best way to start a race war. It's the same way you go about starting up a religious war: with vaguely offensive cartoons. Just to get you started on your way, I've made up a few examples for you in the most offensive of all image creators, MS Paint.







Those are sure to get people worked up into a lather in no time.

Good luck!

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charynel11 wrote:

you want to quit smoking in just for a couple days? or in just 7 days only? its amazing right? but its true, try our product its a nosmoq product...
you can call me at [SOME NUMBER. -MW]

visit my site and you can directly order in this site:
[SOME WEBSITE. -MW]

mail me at [SOME EMAIL. -MW]

_______________________________________________

Hold on here. You're giving me the option to either call some number, go to some website or send you some email so that I can quit smoking? Let me tell you something about smokers here. Never give them a choice. Because if you do, they're just going to get all anxious and light up. You have to be tough with them. Jam that disgusting gum right between their ashy jaws if you have to.

Anyway, I've decided that I wouldn't like to stop smoking in either two or 7 days. I'd actually rather do it immediately, as almost all my hair has already burned away already.

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Got a question for MW? Disappointed in that last joke as I am? Then let me know already in an e-mail or over on the message board.